The Shape I'm In

Today, I got a letter in the mail from myself. It was part of the behavior course I finished in May. In the last session, we wrote letters to ourselves and left them behind. The facilitators were going to send them out at a later point. This gives us just enough time to forget what they said, so it comes as a surprise. I knew it was coming in soon, so I've been watching for it. I didn't remember word for word what the letter said, but I remembered the theme: keep in touch with your inner voice and don't strain yourself to "change".

If you're new to the experience of me, you don't know the history. You don't know the years of struggling with my mental health. You don't know that I knew something was wrong with me even as a child. I did, for the record. While other children had fun just playing around , I always struggled with finding a reason to smile. I was bullied sure, but it never struck a chord because I was always more cruel to myself than the children at school could ever dream of. I fell victim to self harm at the age of 12. But it would take almost 20 years to get a diagnosis that something was wrong. I lost dozens of jobs and have never been able to make friends or maintain a relationship. I'm always so exhausted from fighting this war with myself. I isolate because it's easier than trying to explain my moods.

In August of last year, I started to process of therapy, medications and cognitive therapy.

A year later, I feel no different. In fact, I feel worse. I feel like I've only been creating distance from myself instead of getting to the root of the problems. I don't task any anything that matters with my therapist. Part of that is my fault, because I'm not willing to open the can of worms that is my mind. Part of it is her fault, too. When  my cat died in January, her advice was to get a new car. When I told her I was eating better, she criticized my greasy hair. I know she's only trying to help, but I find she makes me feel worse about myself. I'd get a new therapist, but there seems to be slim pickings around here. Most people only get the chance to see a therapist once a month, at best. I'm thinking of looking into Better Help, which will cost me. But if it actually helps, I'm more than willing to pay.

This journey I've been on, though completely new, lead me to a familiar place. I feel like change isn't what I need at all. Medication and therapy are solutions for many people, but many, they don't work for me. Mental health isn't a one size fits all. I think that's one of those things that people don't understand well enough. Even if something works for 99% of the population, there are still going to be some people it doesn't work for. When that's the case, the approach has to changed for that 1%. That's where I am. These methods haven't been working for me. So it's time to adjust my approach.

For the first thing in my life, I feel like the people in my life will be supportive of any changes I want to make. Whether I keep struggling on this path that doesn't seem y less anywhere or I create my own path, I am confident I have the support I need. That's why I was willing to start on this path in the first place. Maybe I wasted a year trying to fit into the "right" shape. But this last year showed me more of the shape I am and the shape I want to be.

The future is about the shape I want to be in.

Don't worry, I don't be sharing the journey publicly. I'll share pieces with you. I'll answer questions and offer my advice. But I'm not going to force anyone to sit through these changes expect for myself.