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I made a set of journaling cards a little while ago. I had them posted, then probably took them down. Among them was a "Make A List&quo...

The Problem With Second Chances

Most of us have been wronged by someone throughout our lives. For many people, we will never receive closure for the events that took place. Other people have the audacity to make a second appearance in our lives and want another chance. I have always believed that people who are willing to put effort into their growth have the ability to change. However, many people are stuck in a mindset that will prevent them from ever growing as individuals. It's impossible to tell which category someone fits into, or if they fit into another category altogether. It would be so much easier if true intentions were advertised by a sign above people's heads. Of course, it would be even better if people were just genuine. That isn't the way the world works, unfortunately. There are genuine people and there are dishonest people. But, there is another type of person who believes they are doing the wrong things for the right reasons. I like to call them the misguided.

For years, I would say I was misguided. I always did the wrong things, but I thought I was doing them for the right reasons. I would disappear randomly from the lives of people I knew. I would show up again when I thought I had myself "more figured out". At some point, I realized the most noble thing to do was just stay away from people. Not until a further time, but in general. I figured that was the only way I could be a good friend to the people I cared most about. I wish I could have taken my own advice or followed through on that decision. Instead, I went backwards, trying to repair damages of the past. That would have been fine, had I grown at all over the years or changed. But I hadn't. I only ended up making the same mistakes and hurting the exact same people. Now, I don't have (m)any friends. I have no social life. No social circle. No social media. No social skills. Years of trying to understand myself and how to interact with other people drained me of ever wanting to try. But I sit here, a 30-year  old woman, able to accept my flaws. I understand that every action has a reaction. I understand that an apology will not make up for the pain that I've caused. That doesn't mean I can apply the knowledge to my personal life and that's why I've limited any connection I have to the outside world. I still don't trust myself to not have outrageous rants. We're all guilty of posting nasty messages about people on social media in an attempt to hurt them because we perceived our feelings were hurt first. Most of the time, people just take the messages down and apologize. If you aren't usually like that, people will accept the apology. But if that's the type of person you are every second weekend, or for instance, every time you drink, no one is going to accept your apology. It's not genuine. It's dishonest. To everyone around you, yes, but mostly to yourself. At this point, it becomes crucial to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself: Why are you doing this?

Now, I am speaking directly to you - and you know who you are.

As a philosopher, I believe it's a result of trying to push the boundaries of both society and the people around you. You are trying to prove that people will accept you for who you are, despite your many flaws, if they truly care about you. Although people should accept you, you need to accept yourself first. You need to ask yourself how much you care about other people. If you care about the people in your life, you need to make a conscious effort to stop hurting them with your actions and behavior.

As a psychologist, I believe your behavior is the result of having your feelings hurt and not knowing how to communicate properly. Instead of trying to talk about the situation, you immediately resorted to throwing a child-like tantrum in order to get attention. You resorted to name-calling, public shaming and even attempted to manipulate other people to take your side. This is not a school ground dispute. This is not a war. There are no sides. You are merely fighting with yourself and imagining an enemy. You do not have yourself together and you never will. You blame the world around you for the problems that only exist within yourself.

From the opinion of a medical professional, it is a chemical imbalance within your body and mind. I advise you to seek professional help. You need to find a way to bring harmony to your body and mind so you don't feel this internal chaos that leads to acting out.

But as your niece... I can't believe that an almost 50 year old woman could possibly be so immature. You are the embodiment of everything that is wrong with society. You believe you are enlightened, but that is a joke with no punchline. You are as enlightened as a switch in the "off" position. You are selfish and manipulative. You are arrogant and have no reason to be. The people are you are cowardly for letting you get away with such demeaning behavior. But they are not to blame. You are. You are a problem and you need to fix yourself. I don't know what my mother was thinking by inviting you into our lives again, but I am not shocked that this was the result. You have ALWAYS been like this and no one has ever forced you to be accountable for your actions. You are forgiven by family and friends, but you are not deserving of their forgiveness. I wish I could dissect your brain to understand where you were coming from, but all I have to go by are the actions you've taken. The actions of a selfish coward, so wrapped up in blaming the world for her problems that she can't even see that she is the problem. YOU are the problem - no matter how much you try to blame everyone else. You are a black cloud of smoke. You are ugly, inside and out, and you make the world around you a worse place. You are toxic. Vile.

I would say thank you for the memories of all the good times we've shared over the years. Unfortunately, there are none. Every time you have entered my life, you have made it worse. You have left behind disaster and pain. You have never been a butterfly, but a shark. That is what I remember when I think of you, and I will think of you from time to time because above all: I pity you.

Peace be with you. 


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