Only Us

I always seem to find myself thinking of the people I left behind. Only I wish it was multiplied. I wish I thought of everyone, from the ones who made me smile to the ones who made me cry. I wish I thought of the "good old days" and could them the same. But I don't. I don't see anything rose-colored, don't look back with fondness. I look back with distance, hesitation. When I look back, I don't see the other people who lined the hallway of our memories. I only see us. You and me. The moments that surely had other people, were surely influenced by friends, families, curfews. Yet, I don't see those faces or hear their voices. I only see you. I wonder if I had seen it that way back then, would we have changed? Would the outcome be the same, or different? Would I have mattered more? Would you?

When I look back, I see the rest of the world faded out of existence. I see moments where nothing mattered but the way you smiled. The way you looked at the stars and the light behind your eyes. A light I was always envious of because I never had it myself. I was never as hopeful as you. Never as willing to experience life. I couldn't have sat beside my grandma, like you did, joyfully recalling all she meant to you while the dirt was still fresh.

I never truly understood you, either. How could I? We were from such different worlds, despite all we had in common. Because common ground doesn't start with the building blocks that make our lives. It starts with the building blocks that make our personalities. The moments that define us and ours couldn't be more different. Maybe even the same moments, but the experience impacted so differently. I look back and feel like I was a demon and you were an angel. There was never any way this could have worked unless I brought you down to my level. I'd like to think I could have risen to yours. Repent and be born again into something beautiful. But those building blocks I set for myself said to never get my hopes up. To never expect anything good to come out of anything at all. I tried to change those blocks. Time and time again, I tried. To this day, I never managed. Had you stayed a part of my life, I would have only turned you into me.

I am a walking disaster. The ground dies where I walk. The light goes out. I've had to live with that. To surround myself with people who are the same way. People who can't see the sun rising in the background of the cloudy sky and only focus on the rain hitting the ground. Unable to look up. Unable to look forward. Stuck in rotten cycles of self-sabotage in an attempt to keep ourselves from finding true happiness. People like you, you surround yourself with everyone. Good and bad. Because the worst people in the world couldn't steal the light from your eyes, even if they tried. And I tried. I know I tried. I can see that now, in hindsight. I was never truly happy and I only tried to make you miserable alongside me.

If I could go back to those moments as the person I am today, I'd like to think we'd have a fighting chance. But I think more realistically, I'd make sure you never had to experience me. That I was only someone you met in passing, never shared a moment with. Never shared memories with, or dreamt of a future with. A name and a face that faded as quickly as time itself. Is it selfish of me? I'd want to take away the pain I caused, but I know that is for my own guilt. To not look bad and feel the weight of the actions I never took. The words I never said. The person I couldn't be when you needed her the most. Is it selfish to take these moments from you? Are they held dear to your heart, or already forgotten?

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