Thursday, February 20, 2020

The Chains



Can you see the bags underneath my eyes? Chain me to this nightmare and leave me for dead. I've been running so long I don't know anything else. I've been silent so long I've developed a linguistics problem. My heart is just as heavy as it was when we began. This journey has led to nothing that was promised. No self-discovery. No magical healing. I'm just as long as I was to begin with. Only know it feels so much worse than it did before. I'm not the guide, I'm just following along. I listen to what I'm told I have to do. I can't seem to think for myself anymore. I wonder how long I'll be able to hold on to this idea that one day everything will be alright. I've never believed the hype anyway. I don't have any more faith. This reservoir ran dry a long time ago. Back when I thought I could slow down. Now I know that slow is only an excuse for not being able to push yourself. I'm just so tired. Every step feels like a mile. Every day brings me closer to the end. I want the end to find its way to me, but I know I'm not ready. There's something I still have to do. The final door won't open until I've accomplished whatever it is that I'm still here for. I only wish I knew. I'd have an easier time figuring myself out if I knew what the hell I was supposed to be doing. What am I even here for? Who made this decision? It wasn't me, I can safely say that much. I'd have given up a long time ago. I've never really seen a purpose, just felt like I had one. But it's all delicious of grandeur. I know that I'm never getting better. It's not in my cards to heal these bleeding wounds. If I don't bleed to death soon, they'll start to heal. I know that and so does the rest of the world. There's no hiding from your destiny. From your calling. Even if I can't hear the phone, I know that it's ringing. I can't ignore the caller just because it's on "silence". I can see the flashing lights. I can see the little picture. I know that we're getting close to figuring this whole thing out. I open my eyes slowly because I don't want to face reality. I keep them closed longer when I blink than anyone else. I have to fight to stay awake. I have to fight to stay breathing. Everything is so heavy. Each breath, like an anchor pulling me under the water. I thought they were supposed to keep me alive. But it feels like I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to cease living. Like I have convinced myself every single day that there's a reason to see tomorrow. Each night, a part of me wishes I don't wake up. I don't want to see the light. I let go of a long time ago of the hope that I would ever come to see that day. Not that I think the light is any better than the darkness. We see only what we want to see in the long run. Light or dark is all subjective. Your light does not make me smile. My darkness makes you shudder. My my darkness is the most comforting thing I've ever known. The only constant in an ever-changing world. I can always rely on myself to feel miserable or to feel nothing at all. I never know which is coming, only that I'll never be surprised by the outcome. There are so few options that I've memorized them all. I can't introduce something new to this environment. It's not stable enough. The foundation will shake and crack and fall apart. Is it really worth the destruction of everything to try something new? I can't help but think it's all a waste of time. Living is a waste of breath. Healing is a waste of blood. Smiling is a waste of energy. It's better to try and avoid all of the above. But I can't make the decision to pull the trigger. I can't make the decision to open the chains on Pandora's Box. If I learned anything from the last time I tried, it's to never even look in the direction of where it's stored. I can't handle the contents and neither can anyone I know. There are no shoulders strong enough to support the world that lies inside that little box. Yet everyone coaxes like I'll feel better if I let it all out. Maybe so. But there won't be a world left to share that relief with. Everyone I love will leave. Everyone I know will feel like they've never known me. It's crazy how much could be destroyed by opening up and trying to heal. I think we're all better off with this fucked up reality. As much as we want to look towards a future because otherwise, there's no reason to get out of bed in the morning. The fact remains there really isn't a point to anything. Those moments that make life feel worth it are so few and far between. There's always a catalyst, too. Those moments never find their way into the darkest parts of your mind. You have to actively search and work to make them come to life. But is it really worth the struggle of trying to try? It's easier to lay down and pretend you're not looking for something bigger than yourself. You're not larger than life. There's no purpose for living. It's all a charade anyway. Something that society tells you that you have to do and shames you for not wanting to participate in. You can try all you want to shame me. I'm in the same boat as you. I can't look at my reflection because I only ever mock myself. I've had enough of everyone putting me down. Myself included as I'm the worst one for it. I need salvation, but I know there's no reason. I'm damned because I've condemned myself. I could just as easily redeem myself or validate my own actions. But I don't need validation or approval. I don't need acceptance and it doesn't do me any good to try. I need reality, and the strongest dose possible. So does the rest of the world. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Not because they are incapable of learning, but because they are too stubborn to try. That's the real secret if you didn't already know. Most people don't know the real reason behind anything. Most people don't know anything.

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