Wide Open (Apology)


Do I need to write an open apology letter to the world?

They say we're judged by our intentions, but if that were the case - I'd be held in a much higher regard.  Never as selfish as I've been made out to be. Never as malicious. I've never set out to hurt anyone, even if pain is all I've ever caused. I never meant to hurt you - I was only trying to hurt myself. You just got caught in the crossfire and for that, I am sorry. All the apologies in the world can't make up for the mistakes that have already been made. But I'm trying. If you would only open your eyes, you would see that. You know would I've put in the effort to make a conscious change. Haven't I?

Or am I only fooling myself into believing I've learned from past mistakes? In a constant struggle to be better than yesterday, you can easily lose sight of tomorrow.

I try not to focus too much on what you meant to me, or what I did to you. There's no sense getting worked up over something that happened so long ago. But when it's not as distant as one would like to hope, it's harder to see past. You can't look around the present obstacles and see the future. You have to overcome what stands in the way to move on. To let go. I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. Or at all. Because you and I know there is no letting go. There are some things in life that tear us open, expose every fibre of our scared and frightened being. Some people, too. And when you've been torn open, it's hard to stitch the wound back up. I don't have the dexterity to fully close myself back up. So there are pieces that still see the light. Have hardened, but have never healed. You are one of those pieces. All the work I do on myself, in my life and for my future is invisible when it comes to you. With you, I'm still ripped open. Still that lost little girl you once knew, who once threw stones at the glass house you were living in. Not because I wanted to, but because the idea of losing you was so hard I couldn't cope. If you thought I was being overdramatic then, what do you feel now? Now, knowing, after everything, that the wounds are still as fresh as they were that first day.
But let me tell you - it's not for a lack of trying.

I have tried to move past you. I have tried to let go. I do well, until you slip into subconscious thought and that poor stitching just falls apart. I'm barely holding myself together. I understand if that would make you uncomfortable. But it's just the way I am. I'm sorry I don't try to hide myself away where you don't have to see me. But I didn't put myself on the center stage of your life, either. You'd have to look out into the crowd to find me.

I guess you did.

I wish you'd speak your mind, even if the silence filling the air says more than words. If you took the time to find me, see me in the crowd, you must have wanted something. Right? You didn't notice me standing in a room full of people without a purpose. Subconscious, or otherwise. We only see what we want to see in this world. So ask yourself, why did you see me standing there?
Wide Open (Apology) Wide Open (Apology) Reviewed by Ali Larsen on March 14, 2020 Rating: 5

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