What Can I Say


I'm trying to think about what I'd say if I ever had the luxury of talking to you again. As a writer, my brain comes up with all these speeches. None would make sense. I ramble on, that's a bad habit. I can't let go, I'm even worse at that. I know the decision has been made (with you and every other man): I'm no good, I wouldn't fight that. I've never believed I should be given a chance. I think that love and happiness are for people who deserve the best. I'm just selfish and asking too much. But enough about that stuff... 

There's irony in you, this situation. You're the opposite of everything I believe in. For one, you subscribe to a whole different world. But I've always been curious about the other side. I don't date people with criminal records unless they are from political outbursts. My exes mail had to come in a zip lock bag because the government went through everything he'd been sent. I heard about yours and I didn't care. Even without the details. And I've always been one to play it cool and act like I wasn't invested. Ask anyone who ever met me - I'm a cold and heartless queen. But I felt warm around you. I felt expressive. I felt energized instead of restless. I didn't feel like I had to keep you at an arms distance. I felt like I could let you in. You have issues, sure, but no one is perfect. I saw something in your eyes the said you were worth it. "A heart of gold," you said if yourself. I honestly didn't believe you at first. It grew on me though, as I came to see that many of the problems were just me. Along with being cold to most, I've always been the first to let go. I walk away from almost every problem. I don't fight. I don't try harder. At the first sign of resistance, I'm gone. That makes it even more curious why I can't move on. 

I want to reach out, but I know I can't. I don't have anything to say even if I did. Moments run rampant through my mind. I can't control them even when I try. I'm losing my distractions bit by bit like the universe wants me to think about this. I don't know what I should have learned from this. I realize opposites really do attract. I guess that's an epiphany that I can take to the future with me. Truth be told, I'm just really sad. Not because of the fantasies I had. I know it wasn't realistic to think of "us", but there was something between us, more than lust. Or maybe I was hallucinating and none of this meant anything. The universe was playing tricks on me and showing me things I wanted to see. Now my heart is hung up on a fictional thing, I can't let go of and I can't embrace. If this is some practical joke, I don't get the punch line.


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