Wednesday, July 2, 2014

This Boy

The snow sparkled like little diamonds. Each one calling for attention of the viewer. It was especially beautiful in the moon light. We were the night owl kids. Insomniacs, and the like. I'd tug on his hand, beg him to come make snow angels with me. He'd say it was juvenile. Childish. I'd remind him life was no fun if you weren't living it. I'd manage to convince him, every time. There was still a child at heart in him, and I wanted to give it every opportunity to play. So he'd cave, we'd roll around in the snow, and we'd laugh until our lungs were sore. Then, we'd lay in the snow, looking up at the stars, twinkling even brighter to adequately compete with the snow. He'd talk about the world as if there were endless possibilities in the vast Universe. Both for himself, and for us. But he only ever dreamed about the future for himself. It wasn't that he didn't want to see me in his future, just that his mind had been set that he'd die alone. How do you change someones mind when they were born with that impressive? You don't. You love them for who they are, regardless of the blocks and challenges they face within themselves. This boy had so many challenges set aside for himself. Every time he'd overcome one, he'd drop another one down, or put a wall up. Anything to keep himself on his feet. To keep himself miserable. To, in the end, die alone.

This boy truly fascinated me. Not just in the way that someone does when you're getting to know them for the first time, but in every way possible. An obsessive way, almost. He fascinates me, even now. I never tire of getting to know him all over again. He's the reason I can never truly be happy with anyone who doesn't fascinate me. I need that fascination in someone to remind me of that fascination in him. To remind myself of a time more innocent, and simple. A time more beautiful. Yet, a time more complicated than any in my life. Because a boy that fascinating, is also that complicated. Falling in love with a boy that complicated, closely resembles an art museum rendition of Hell. But, admittedly, I'd take Hell with him over Heaven with any one else.

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