Skip to main content

Personality Crisis

I like to keep people guessing, most notably, myself. I'm the kind of girl that tends to prefer constant change to stagnation. This is adamant in the way I change styles, change layouts and even color schemes even right here on the website. It doesn't stay in the screen. It applies to every aspect of my life. From careers to love to style - I'm always changing. It's one of the most predictable things about me. If something has been the same for a while, you can count that I'm coming around to shake things up. What can I say? I'm eccentric.

For most people, drastic changes is a sign of a mental breakdown or impending depressions. Sometimes, it's the same for me. A big change on the outside can often warn of a big change coming on the inside. I wish that was more positive, but it hardly ever is. Usually, it's a bad change. Something big and ugly, like a monster I can't wait to shove back into its cage. Only in times of weakness, when the depression has a strong hold, I don't have the ability to even get that cage open. Let alone try and shove something against its will into said cage. That's the best way I describe my depression: A wild animal looking to break free from the cage its been sent to. Like the Titans in Greek mythology.

The moral is: Sometimes, change is a good thing. It can also represent coming out. Sometimes a drastic change is exactly what a person needs to feel like they've found themselves again. Or better yet, have started to create a new version of themselves. Someone stronger and more aware than previous versions. Someone older and wiser. Someone with more talent and cunning and charm. Whatever other qualities lacked in previous versions, added and mixed into the new person. Sometimes, change is a sign of taking back control. Whether it's a boyfriend, friends/family or even just the Universe. We need to assert our dominance in some manner. Sometimes, it starts with the hair.

I know I just dyed my hair not that long ago. I intended to grow it back out to the length it had been before. Keep it dyed the split colors and joke about my personality issues. The problem is growing out my hair reminded me why I cut it all off in the first place. Although it went side-by-side with a depressive episode, there was a logical undertone. The hairs cling to my skin and drive me up the wall. It's not hard to irritate me, so I don't need any help. So in remembering this, I decided I wasn't going to keep growing the hair out. I find the split color style looks a little, lackluster, with short hair. So I decided to dye it. Do you see how this all spun into something? That's so me. One little thing triggers a whole drastic change.

And sometimes, it's as simple as hearing a song on the radio by a familiar sounding voice that reminded me of someone I used to know. Someone I used to be. Someone stronger, or at least using the weakness to get creative. Someone that isn't me anymore. But I miss that person I used to be.

I feel like in the last couple years, I've been sliding further and further into a hole. Maybe it's been noticeable. Maybe it hasn't been. For the people even the closest to me, the changes are subtle and it's hard to tell when the drastic ones are coming. There are people on the internet who know me better than I know myself. There are people miles away who know what I'm going through, even without saying a word. I'll take the blame for most of this: I'm not the most straightforward when I'm feeling an emotional crisis. I don't even talk to my therapist about most of my problems. I internalize. I hide. It's hard to try and step into the darkness to find me when you don't have a clue how deep I'm in. I truly appreciate everyone who has reached out and tried to get through to me. You have made the biggest difference, the way you always do. The smiles that always greet me. The warmth and friendly conversation. The people who have truly made a difference know who they are and how hard they tried. What they've had to sacrifice in their own lives to try and make a difference in mine. I feel pathetic half the time that I even need the help I need. That I even need people to reach out. But everyone needs help sometimes. Everyone needs someone to show how much they care. Sometimes it's as simple as a hello and how are you. Other times, it's like sticking your hand into acid to hold onto someone who is sinking. For those of you who put your hands in: From the bottom of my heart, I thank you.

Los Angeles is a different world compared to New York City. But the one thing they have in common is the veins that tie them together.