Skip to main content

The Next Phase of Development

It's juvenile to say - but I think reading someones journal can tell you worlds about who they are as a person. You can only learn so much through conversations. You can ask questions and answer just as many. But to truly learn who someone is, you have to listen to their late-night monologues. You have to see through the tear-stained keyboard and into the mirror of emotion on the other side. You have to hear their words when they have the freedom of delayed reaction. A person is their most real when they are alone. Or when they are on the other side of a keyboard, hiding behind a veil of words that are often incomprehensible. That's when a person is the most raw, down to the basics. They are the most vulnerable, the most real.

That's not to say stealing someones journal is a good way to get to know someone. But if you know your friends keep a public journal, it's a good idea to check it out. Read, but don't judge what you've learned. Accept who they are as a person and use the words to inspire a stronger relationship. A stronger bond. If you have this opportunity, take it. But always respect the unspoken pact. The trust they place in letting you have access to this information. If someone is letting you see this side of themselves, they want you to get to know them. They want to connect with you. So learn to connect, with them and with yourself.

I take for granted the gift of a keyboard and an open text box. I internalize my feelings because I hate showing up to the party uninvited. I feel like that's what my journals are. I'm a party crasher, bringing down the whole house the second I walk through the door. So I turn around and leave to avoid creating anymore drama. But if you've already ruined the party, might as well dive head-first into the pool out back. If you can't be life of the party, learn to be the laugh. Start with laughing at yourself. I need to learn how to laugh at myself. Laugh at my own imperfections. Laugh off the way other people see me as nothing but a burden. I can't change their opinions anyway. Why waste my brain power in thinking of ways to complete mission:impossible? Defeat makes even the beautiful look ugly. I'm sick of feeling like a troll climbing out from under the bridge. Always to be chased back under by people chanting "go back to where you came from". Then to overhear "I wonder why he doesn't come out more often" in words exchanged from familiar faces.

I feel like a clam at low-tide. Pluck me out of the waters and throw me to the sky. I'll dry out or be eaten alive - either way, I'll find myself in a different situation. But do I really want a change? Does anyone? Change so often comes unprovoked and unwanted. Showing up whenever it wants, like the world revolves around it. Oh, wait...

I want to feel the tide turning, to feel the water rushing in. Overthrowing the relics of the past that the shores around me have long since clung to. I want to see a blank canvas. An empty slate. Nothing, nowhere. I long for the chance to start over, somewhere fresh. Somewhere no one has ever heard of a troll and wouldn't think to chase away the unknown. Does such a place exist? If I live inside my head, I can create any reality other than this one. If I live inside the box, I can change this reality. Create and destroy. Destroy and create. It doesn't matter which order you're doing it in, as long as both are done. You can't build on a faulty foundation. You can't make changes when the cement is already dry. You have to blow the old version out of the water.

Catch me if you can. You can always find me laying in the sands. If I never see you again, just remember you're my best friend. Even if I start again, some things can never change.

I love my friends. 
The outrageous ideas. 
Open arms. 

You are all so important to who I have been as a person and who I am growing into. I hope for your continued support as we move into the next phase of personal development.