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Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Follow Your Heart

I plan to commit to writing in the near future, since my freelancing career gone under. I can't really say I'm miss it though. It was hard with almost no pay out. I'd make $5 for an hour of work or more. Obviously, undervalued. Add in the pain caused by my CTS. I did it because it was pocket money. I'm grateful for every cent I've made. The reality is, I was hoping I'd make connections. I wanted a few clients I could work for that would keep me occupied and give me that and financial security. I may come out with those connections. I intend to reach out to those few clients once I've finalized the decision to close my Fiverr account (it turns out they started taking extra money without telling anyone and I won't support that). But if I don't, I'm not at a loss. I believe the wax melts are my "calling" for many reasons. It's much easier on my wrists. It's fun and calls for some creativity. And, the best part is, it can help people. I'm specifically creating wax melts that will help people suffering from a variety of issues. My "sweet dreams" at, for instance, is a "cure" for insomnia, using lavender essential oil to create a calming atmosphere and discourage the over thinking that keeps so many people awake at night.

I'm scared to start writing though. I can admit that. I'm scared because I feel like my last book was a flop. I'm scared I can't say anything that hasn't already been said (by me). I'm scared people will hate it. Most troublesome, myself. I hate all my writing. I always have. That's why it's so easy for me to start new projects and simply walk away. I lack commitment because I don't like what I'm doing. But I'm going insane from neglecting my not so better half. I'm courting insanity, as many published authors would say. Maybe I'm in love with the idea of writing more than the practice, but the idea won't help me work through my issues. I need to write to work out how I'm feeling inside and now more than ever.

I vaguely wrote about the changes I felt I needed to go through without touching too much on the details. But I think it's important that you know why I'm in such a bad place right now. Despite being told not to by my therapist and warned by my doctor, I quit my antidepressants. I can't say that they don't work in general, but they aren't working for me. All I felt was numb. I knew I was depressed and I knew I was still going through the same stuff, I just didn't feel any of it anymore. A part of me wanted to feel numb like that. Once upon a time, that desire to be numb turned into my drinking  problem. But drinking was, once, a controlled method of being numb. When life got too hard to handle, I turned to the bottle. It wasn't a great cooling mechanism, but it was what worked for a while. But then it became a problem. I drank too much, for the wrong reasons, and it stopped being helpful. You could find me, literally, on the sidewalk. I'd pass out wherever I was. I ruined relationships, especially the one with myself. There's nothing reasonable about that. That led me to understanding there was a much deeper issue and I needed to look for a real solution. I asked my doctor for these pills. I couldn't have known they would be the same kind of band aid as drinking. But that's the reality.

In no way am I advocating for alcohol or recommending anyone to quit medications they need, but the fact is, this kind of thing works different for everyone. The medication didn't work for me. Behavioral training only made me feel guilty every time I wanted a drink. As I launch my own wellness company, complete with life coach services, these realizations are heavy on my head and my heart. I want to help other people, I do. But I don't want it to be in any way that makes them second guess what they are going. Self improvement needs to be something your confident about. If you're asking "is this right for me" the answer is no. I don't want to ask those questions anymore. I don't want to over think so much I don't bother making decisions. I want to follow my heart, even if it leads to disaster. It's better than listening to my mind and going nowhere. Of course, there's a balance between too logical and too emotional, but I haven't learned it yet. Until I do, I'm going to follow the path that feels right for me.

I think everyone should.