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Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Knowing Your Own Limitations

I've spent the last week of my life playing video game, either on my phone or the Xbox. I could say I'm doing nothing but wasting my time, especially when I ignore my planner for days and days because I've lost them to a virtual reality. But that's just the point. I'm obviously trying to lose myself in worlds and lives that aren't my own. I can't stand my own. My own is a nightmare. I've been so depressed this last week that it's come across as apathetic. Or apathetic is just the step beyond depression, when you have no choice but to stop caring if only because you care entirely too much. There's no "reason" - and I'm certainly not saying there has to be. Depression doesn't always have a trigger, despite what many people claim. Depression is a silent stalker, creeping up when you least expect it and BOOM. You're trapped in a web of self-hate and doubt and misery until that stalker finally gets tired and the web breaks. But you know your freedom is short-lived. That's why people with personality disorders are so impulsive. We take advantage of the moments we're feeling good enough about ourselves and the world to do the things we normally wouldn't. That may mean leaving the bar with someone we just met. It may mean quitting the job that is draining us of life and immediately finding a new one to hate. It only seems impulsive on the outside. When you're living it, it's something you expect unexpectedly, meaning you never know when it's coming. It's a little nerve-wrecking when you think about it that way. We never know when the bad is coming and we never know when the good is coming. We only know that it is, in fact, coming. Why? Generally, you can say the law of averages. If it's happened before, it'll happen again (see: my last post about life being sh*t). I can't imagine being a friend or significant other to myself. Honestly, I don't know how anyone would put up with me.

The thing I am hard on myself about is that I know I could deal with (at least some of) this emotional roller coaster if I just sat down at my computer. That is literally all it would take to lift a HUGE weight off my shoulders and make my head and heart feel a little lighter. But I can't. When I do, I find I ramble and I can't focus on what is actually going on inside my head. I need a therapist. A good therapist. My current so-called-therapist makes me feel like garbage every time I see her. I leave that office feeling like I'm not even worthy of getting help. She's always trying to put me into programs, like she's trying to hoist me off onto other people instead of just listening to what I'm saying. I really never thought I'd want the type of therapist who sat around and went "mhmm, and how does that make you feel?". I've seen those dopes. I've sat in on sessions with other people. I always think they are such a joke - barely helping at all because all they are doing is sitting there. But you know what? Sometimes that's exactly what you need! When you don't have friends to listen to you (or you're the type who doesn't want to "bother anyone" with your problems), a no-talk talk therapist is the ideal. The real problem is that most of those people cost upwards of $200/hour to sit there and do nothing. Come on, guys. Make your practice a little more accessible to us broke b*tches. You know, we need help too.

If I could have picked one career and followed the path through (don't say "it's not too late", "I'm still young", etc - I know myself. I have accepted my personal limitations. Everything in my life is temporary.), I would have become a therapist. I wanted to help people. I still do. That is still one of the thoughts in my head on any typical day. I want to help people, but how can I? I can't even help myself. I can't take care of myself. I don't eat much. I don't sleep properly. I waste all of my time with mindless distractions. And you don't even want to know my personal hygiene routine... If I'm such a disaster, how can I show other people that life isn't sh*t? I believe that less and less each day that passes and nothing changes. The same routines, the same problems and the same people causing/whining about them. But in my heart, I guess I still believe there are rays of light. Even when they are DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE to see - there is light. Be it the smile of a child. The flapping wings of a monarch butterfly. Or even the comfortable silence, sitting with someone who wants to understand, yet knows there is nothing he/she can do to help.

We really have to find those moments, even if it means digging through the dung. But it's not easy. Some days, it's hard to even open your eyes or get out of bed. That's where I am right now. But I know it'll pass - law of averages, and the like. I know the "good" will show up whenever it wants to and I'll ride that wave until the next crash. That's depression. You never beat the wave. You never overcome the limitations. You simply learn to ride out the good or the bad. And you don't beat yourself up when you can't - because that's only going to make the feelings so much worse and that much harder to try and overcome next time. Learning your own limitations will help you to rise up and save you from crushing disappointment when you set your standards too high. That's my advice for you. Any of you.

Go on your own soul-searching journey and discover who you really are, what you really want out of your life, and what stands in your way.