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Thursday, December 27, 2018

I Miss Your Voice


"I miss your voice..."

The words sound ridiculous as I type the letter in my head. It's been 6 years, maybe longer. We never spoke in all that time, even when we briefly met eyes at the terminal that cold night in March. I almost remember it like yesterday, but I know how flawed memory can be. Mine, worst of all. I haven't remembered anything accurately in years. I can't think of a better reason to question why I would want to reach out to him. He wasn't a great guy from the beginning, but in the end, he only cemented to me how he was nothing more than a waste of time. A joke I played out on myself for entirely too long. But the same could be said about life. While the meaning is unknown, it may not exist. Like Schrodinger's cat. We, as human beings, long to find meaning. A purpose to life and a meaning to this existence. We are so desperate to find a purpose that we will ignore the truth if it stands in the way of our beliefs. It's getting too philosophical now. I could just listen to him sing if I miss his voice that much. There are a handful of videos on his old YouTube channel. Videos that were posted shortly after the last conversation we had. It may be hard to watch him singing his heart out while standing in front of the couch I bought. It's just not the same as hearing it in person. I could have learned to love the constant serenading he was guilty of. I could have learned to love him too, I think. I thought I did, at the time. But it was clear after only a few weeks apart that he was nothing more than a name to fit at the time. It seems ironic that his name would become an echo in my head now, after so long. God damn my dreams, always bringing up old memories I can't remember. Faces I've forgotten and can't describe. Names that sound so foreign they could be spoken in another language. I'd hate to say Freud was right, but he may have been onto something.