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Wednesday, December 19, 2018

So, Um, Hi

I haven't posted in a while. There's no real surprise in this. I tend to let my depression get the best of me. Recently, my anxiety has been fighting for total control, so that's fun. I'm basically a ball of string that's wound too tight. I feel like any movement could cause the hold thing to fall apart. There's more to it than that. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of pouring out my soul only to have it ridiculed. I'm afraid even more of having my words ignored, of putting time and energy into creating something that is ultimately worthless. I'm afraid of trying and failing, so it's easier not to bother trying at all. Mostly, I'm afraid of looking too closely at myself.

I've always been the go big or go home type of person. But I've lost my Mr. Big and now I just want to go home. But I face the conundrum of not knowing what home is. Who home is. I'm so confused by myself and what I've become. I don't recognize the elements I wanted to preserve. I guess I couldn't success in keeping the things I liked about myself and changing the things I didn't. It was all or nothing, like everything else.

I can't work under these conditions.