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Vision Board

TW: Depression

One of the ever illusive goals I have is to put together a vision board. I know that it's recommended by literally everyone: therapists and counselors, bloggers, entrepreneurs, etc. A vision board is, by description, is a visual representation of the goals you want to achieve. Some people put them into time frames and others just craft a mosh pit of things they love, want, etc. I've seen some pretty crazy vision boards and no two ever look the same. Largely, the style and design of any vision board is a reflection of the creator. How they see themselves and how they want to see themselves. Goals, dreams, aspirations. A dream home, a dream car, money love, etc. A vision board is always filled with the elements we want in our future that are missing from our present. Mostly, these boards are created to instill a sense of inspiration. Ambition. Determination.

I want to create my own vision board on a sheet of card stock. The problem, for once, isn't the lack of motivation, but the lack of any goals. Measurable or otherwise. I have not been able set myself goals since... To be honest, I can't remember a time in my life that I considered having a future at all, let alone setting goals. My depression has always convinced me that there is no future in anything. Unfortunately, I still believe this is true in my heart. I know that depression lies. All the time. I know that I can't believe anything this disease tries to tell me. But my heart, my soul... I can't believe anything else, either. And who do you trust when you don't know who to trust? You stick to what you know. For me? That's a blackness in place of a future. That's minutes, where other people may see years. I'm incapable of seeing tomorrow because I still dread the idea that there even is a tomorrow. I focus on today.

There's not a lot to put on vision board when you feel that way.

If I did create a vision board for myself, I think the only thing that would be on it is a smiling yellow emoticon. You know the one. My goal would be to one day feel like everyone else. I want to be able to set goals and be motivated. I want to be the entrepreneur, blogging for fun and pushing my books. I want to have viral pins and social posts. I want to have followers who love and share my posts. I want to build myself an "empire" (nothing big - just enough to leave behind a little mark on society). But I can't put this onto card stock and I can't call it a start. Why? Because I don't BELIEVE any of this is possible. I don't know if I'll ever rise to the challenge. If my past patterns are any indication of my future, I'm a lost cause. Seriously. I don't have any motivation because I don't have any dreams or goals. I have nothing I'm working towards because I have no hope for my future. I wish I could say I'm lucky to be alive, but that's not exactly something I rejoice in. It's a pretty mediocre existence if you ask me.  I've been trying to change my mindset. My habits. My personality. My life. The more I try to change, the less I feel like I'll ever succeed. I end up resorting to my typical "why bother" theory of existence.

I know it's dark. Dismal. That's how it feels to me too. But it's all I've ever known, since childhood. The building blocks of my entire life were placed on top of this monster's cage. No matter how much time has passed, I can still hear the snarling. It's just become a static lullaby to me now.

Speaking of lullabies... I don't want to close out on such a negative thought, so I want to share this adorable video of my cat. The internet was made for this.


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