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What An Ugly Ride

Wow. What an ugly ride.

Of course, I took the previous post down. If you read it, cool. If not, you're not missing out on anything but extended family drama, if you can call someone like that family. It's funny, to me, that she said this family is poison. I've always said the same thing, but I've never been on the receiving end of the ordeal. It does seem like the crazy gene STAMPEDES through this bloodline, from my grandmother to my siblings and every extension in between. Some of us have learned to accept that we are flawed. In doing so, putting ourselves one step above the rest. Well, theoretically. I don't believe anyone is "better" than anyone else. We learn at different rates, even when it seems like a snail's pace. No matter what journey we embark on, each and every one of us ends up at the same destination. So, nothing really matters when you look at it that way.

I don't need to grow up in order to understand where crazy comes from. I know it well. I've lived around it, inside and outside. I also learned about managing those impulse control problems. Let's break it down to what it really is. Her rapid responses indicate no thought was put into the replies. Her string of messages indicates her own inability to think before she speaks. She taps the "send" button faster than the speed of light. There is so much left unsaid when you don't take the time to articulate your responses. Or any communication for that matter. Yes, some of us over think a simple email to the point we don't even send it. But there's a balance between thinking so hard you never send something and taking a few minutes to make sure it's really what you want to say.

I don't ever say anything with the intention of hurting other people. That's not my style. When my ex-boyfriend told me to kill myself, I didn't stoke the fire. I didn't answer at all and I let him come to his own conclusion that it was entirely too harsh to say that to someone. I am critical. I know that. It comes across as judgment in EVERYONE'S eyes. I'm basically paving the road to my own hell. I mean well, I do. These "judgments" are actually a concern. I know it's a touchy issue, but, I do think that sometimes people need to be shown their flaws in order to improve themselves. I just think that some people don't realize the way they act or treat people is actually toxic. People like her are being true to themselves, sure. But you can't hurt other people just because it's too hard to be nice. There's a balance between being an asshole and just taking care of yourself. Do you follow?

If you don't follow, I don't blame you. Truthfully, I've ranted so much today that my fingers are sore and aching. I guess something like this really puts things into perspective. I can safely say I am grateful, probably for the first time since we moved here, of the distance I have from the drama. I am 600 miles away. All I have to deal with is angry emails and hearsay over text. That means I can still sleep easy because the drama is so far away. It definitely helps that after the initial shock of the horrible things she said and the way she said it all, autopilot kicked back in. I am also grateful for my disassociative state of mind, even if it is toxic in the long run. It certainly helps at times like this.


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