Golden Trash

I've been going through my writing, mainly to get posts scheduled up here. I just noticed today that it's been a year since I've written anything new. I can't even believe that. I haven't gone this long without writing my entire life. It's like I've completely abandoned my craft or something... Those of you who know me in person already know the love/hate relationship I share with my writing. Some of you who don't me that well may have picked up on that too. For those of you who don't know me: I have always felt like writing was a curse, a sickness. I had to write because my mind was so filled with thoughts and ideas that I had no room to think about anything else. I couldn't function on my day to day tasks if I wasn't writing the thoughts out of my head first. It's complicated to explain, but anyone who writes has some level of understanding what that means. 

Then I went to the doctor and I started taking pills. My creativity didn't go anywhere, but my ability to express my thoughts seemed to disappear. It was slow, at first. I almost didn't notice. Then all at once, it was gone. I just stopped caring. By the time I realized I had allowed this new behavioral pattern to form, I was too far gone. The racing thoughts will still keep me up at night, but there's nothing I can do about them now. 

I want to say I'll do better in 2020, that I'll commit myself to writing more frequently. But I know myself. I can't commit to anything. By committing to something, it becomes an obligation and I just don't want to do it. I know that ideally, in order to get back into writing as often as I used to, I have to make it fun. It has to be something I want to do and done with no real expectations. This means ignoring the perfectionist side of me that wants all my writing to be golden. I'm going to have to accept that some of it is just trash, and no amount of gold paint will ever change that. 

I have to try though. I do. I know I do. I have to find a way to start getting these thoughts out of my head, to let the words go where they want and do what they do best. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't know where I'm going to start. But if I don't start soon, I'm going to lose the lifelong war I've had with myself. I don't mind not caring, but I mind not doing anything. I've never been this lazy or unproductive in all my life. 

Seriously. I have no accomplishments for 2019. NONE. Can you believe that? I honestly can't. And I certainly won't let that happen two years in a row. I'm going to make sure I accomplish something in 2020 and I want it to be writing.


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