Mad About You
I'm dreaming about you again. I thought I had this under wraps, that it was finally out of my head. It only took 1 thought to bring you right back in. Now it feels like drowning all over again, fighting to stay afloat. Though I know I'll never win. After all this time, I can't believe I'm here again. So I'm weaker than I believe. I had to look you up again. I had to see it for myself, see the life you're blessed to live. The kids, the wife, the picket fence. Everything you always wanted. It's not even like I don't think you deserve it, because you do, and so much more. If only for having to deal with me. And it's not like I'm not happy. I have everything I could want and more. I just can't seem to let you go, no matter which way the wind blows. I'm always finding your name hidden in places, always seeing your face when I start thinking. I see your smile so often it's starting to burn itself into my memory. But not how I remember you. I don't see you as I used to. I see you as you are, now. I see the proud father, doting husband. That smile though, it's just perfect. And I know how crazy it sounds. It's been almost 2 decades now. Not a word, not even a view. But here I am, still thinking of you. And sometimes, yes, my thoughts do wander. I think about how we'd be together. If I could stop, believe that I would. I know this kind of thinking doesn't do me any good. I've tried to rip my mind apart to figure out where these thoughts are coming from. But I've had no luck. It seems you're just stuck in my head. I wish I had a better clue about what to do. I've tried and tried and tried again to try and keep you out of my head. There's no trigger or catalyst, you just pop back in. It's insane. I want to clean out my brain. I've often thought of ways to write you out or wipe you out. But every method I try only seems to emphasize what I can only imagine are the underlying reasons that I can't seem to get you out of my mind. I think I miss you, for some reason. Even though it's been so long that our universes aren't even the same. I seriously need to vacate my brain. If I could dump all my thoughts out and sort through them, maybe I would understand. Maybe there would still be no answers. I think I'm afraid of finding that out. I have literally no idea where to even begin with an end. But I know it's not healthy. I know it's not good. I know that I think about you entirely more than I should. And I know I've never crossed your mind since the time I went crazy and made up those lies. And I tried to sabotage your happiness because I was jealous it wasn't me you were with. That's not the issue now. I'm not jealous anymore. I'm not so selfish that I would think that anyone else was lesser than me. I've made many mistakes, with you, with everyone. At least I'm humbled, or, just beaten down. I wouldn't curse anyone with me. But I'm happy for you, genuinely. I'm happy in my own life too. But you're like a maze I can't seem to get through. A puzzle I can't fit together. A road that I can't stop traveling. Honestly, it drives me crazy too. I wish I didn't think of you. There's no point in holding onto someone who has been gone for so long. And again, I can't say I miss you then. I wish that we were friends. Now, I mean, who you are now. Who I am, much more gentled down. I don't know what we'd even have in common. I don't know if we could be friends. I have no idea what my brain is thinking when it wants to be in your life again. I want to break this, I'd say cycle. But there's no rhyme or reason to this. Every now and then you rush back into my head. You've never left. Maybe it's because of my regrets. I wouldn't go back and change anything, except maybe you meeting me. I'd hold the memories close, but make sure you never had to suffer. But every mistake and every lie brought you there, and here, I. I don't know how different your life would be if you had never met me. I hope I played a part in the way your life has shaped out. That sounds a little egotistical of me. I guess everything I'm saying does. I don't even know what I'm rambling about anymore. I just wish I didn't feel so strong. I wish you weren't lingering inside every hope and dream. Creeping up on every thought. I kind of wish I never fell in love. But then I wouldn't have these memories, or thoughts of how things might be. In another dimension, another life. Who knows? Maybe I'd be your wife. These are the thoughts that swirl in my mind that I wish I didn't have all the time. It drives me crazy to think of you the way that lovers do. We're not lovers, we never were. You were just a boy and I was just a girl. Children can't fall in love, can they? No is what most people say. But others say "you always remember your first love". At what age is that adage from? When is a "first love" considered real? Because I'm pretty sure that love is what I feel. And maybe, I always will. I hope I can learn to accept it, still. If I can't escape these thoughts of you, I have to hope that there's no reason to. And I know that's insane, even as I type. I know we have different lives. I know you'd cringe at the mention of my name. I know I'll never see you again. If I did, you'd probably cross the road and hope that I didn't notice. It's not like you'd want to catch up, to chat. That's not where we're at. Strangers, I know that's what we are. I know that in my head. But my heart, well that's a different story. That keeps pumping out the worries. It keeps thoughts swirling in my head. When I'm awake, when I'm in bed. In my dreams and in my nightmares, I can almost always find you there. So often you're just waiting for me to reach out and say something. And it puts these thoughts in my heart, my head. I know that it's ridiculous. I know, I know, I can't say it enough. I know that I sound deranged. I know how crazy this all is, how mad, but... I guess I'm just mad about you.