I feel like an idiot.

I had way too much to drink last night and went on a rampage. I haven't done that in... 6 years? I always hated myself for them. I'd wake up in the morning, see the messages I sent to anyone and everyone who would listen. I'd often eat outrageous things, just to get a reaction out of people. To push the boundaries. It was sick. Deranged. I thought I had come a long way. As it turns out, I never moved. I've been in the same place the whole time, refusing to acknowledge my problems. It's never been about the alcohol. I'm just fucking crazy.

It's such an ugly trait to have. I'm not one of those people who thinks "if you can't handle me at my worst...". Blah blah blah. No one deserves to be treated poorly unless they are behaving poorly. As such, I'm torn now. I'm torn between an apology to the universe and truly feeling I was justified. Not in the execution of my words, but in my right to verbalize what I was feeling. Everyone should feel like they have that right. If you don't, you're not in a good place and you need to get help. I can't be silenced. That's not a factory installed setting.

My exes all hate me. My name burns on the tip of every tongue that ever speaks it. I'm venomous. And the worst thing is that there's no predicting what will set me off. I'm like a broken fire alarm or something.

But I feel like I crossed a line and I guess that means I should etch out an apology. It'll have to be written in the clouds because I have no way of reaching him. I was confident in my actions until I saw he changed his Instagram name. Or erased his account. Either way, that's how I know I crossed a line I shouldn't have. It's one thing to stand up for yourself, it's another thing to threaten the happiness and safety of another human being. There's never an acceptable reason for that.

I wanted him to love me, but I don't know why. I can't even love me. I mean, I look in the mirror and I see a monster. At least now I have a better understanding of why. All this time I thought I was taming this demon inside of me... But she's going to eat me alive in the end. I can feel it. At least I won't die alone because this demon will be picking the meat off my bones.

You're not going to read this, but if you do: I am truly sorry. I'm not going to stalk you. I'm not going to pursue you. I am out of your life for good. I will never make another attempt to contact you, and this is a promise. 
Idiot Idiot Reviewed by Ali Larsen on March 31, 2020 Rating: 5

No comments:

Powered by Blogger.