Monday, March 23, 2020

Like Everyone Else




I wrestle with the thoughts that I should be like everyone else. If I were normal, maybe my life would be different. Maybe I'd be working, employed and heading towards a goal. Maybe I'd have a social circle, get togethers and the like. Maybe I'd be in love, with someone who reciprocated the feelings. Maybe I'd even have a family, kids and a place to call home. If I were like everyone else, I wouldn't be facing a future alone. Not lonely, but maddeningly silent. Echoes is thoughts floating around the air of a cozy bedroom filled with only the companionship of cats. A future as a crazy cat lady because only animals can tolerate me. If only I were like everyone else... I'd be loveable.

But I wouldn't be me.

I could try and be like everyone else to appeal to the "greater picture" - but I'm not like everyone else. I wasn't designed to fit into a cookie cutter mold. I wasn't designed to blend into the background, colorless. I can't smile, feeling empty inside. I can only smile when my heart is full. And it is full. Full of life and full of love. Full of hopes and dreams, even when it seems like I have my head in the sand with the ostrich. If there wasn't still a glimmer, a flickering flame, I wouldn't be here at all. It's not only a promise keeping me here, but that feeling that I was meant for so much more.

Delusions of grandeur, I know.

I'm third-floor crazy. I'm walking back and fourth on the Brooklyn bridge. I'm jumping in front of the lights on a subway headed anywhere. I'm taking every pill in the bottle just to try and feel something. I'm at the bottom of the bottom, spitting fire and going wild. These aspects of me will never change, and I can't say I mind.

It was the world telling me to be someone else. 

Of course it's reinforced at every turn. I'm "too much" or I'm "not enough". I can't be a sheepish employee who follows orders. I have to rise above, looking for more innovative methods of operation. Best suited to being my own boss. I can't be the vapid bimbos on Instagram that I secretly wish I was. I can't be the girl you'd bring home to your mother. I can't even be the girl you'd only call when you're lonely. I'm too full of endless love to give a heart that beckons me. I'm too outspoken and unafraid of consequences to worry about "being clingy". I need my brain power for the greater good and worrying about what I do, say, think, feel, whatever, is not a good use of my mind.

I can't be anything but me.

You either like me, or you don't. I can't change your mind, nor would I try to. I'm not going to chase after people anymore. I know that when someone wants to be around someone, they are. There are no excuses, no reasons that life should keep people apart. I have put so much effort into certain people, only to realize I'll never see it in return. I'll never be appreciated for everything I do. I'll never see reciprocation.  Affection, companionship, support... It's all a pipe dream, never to be returned by those I've given so freely to. 

So Fuck Them ALL. 

I'm taking care of myself from now on. I'm doing what feels right to me, regardless of the perception of other people. I'm the only person who is stuck with me, so I may as well work to make myself happy. 


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