Monday, March 2, 2020

Water On The Wheels

The world is changing and I'm just not sure I'm ready for it. Everything is different, inside and outside. On a small scale of only my life and in the larger scheme of the world at whole. I feel so often like I'm struggling to keep my head above the waters as I try to fight against the currents pulling me in. I've been off the boat so long now that I don't know anything but the water. Sometimes it feels like I have to be the only one to get a hold of me. I don't know me. I don't know anyone who resembles me. I couldn't see myself in a crowd. I can't even see myself in my own reflection. Every day it feels like I'm drifting further and further away from who I wanted to be. Like that side of me is nothing more than a pipe dream. A dream I only keep because letting goes only leaves me with despair. I'm struggling, fighting so hard that every muscle in my body aches. I tried letting go, sinking to the bottom of this ocean I call life. But we all float. Even when we want to give up. But I can't just surrender. I can't sit still and just let things happen naturally. I'm always trying to jump to the finish line or at least control the journey. I thought I gave that up a long time ago. I thought I gave up caring about other people. I thought I gave up on any hopes of being alive. Something has the gears turning in my head. They make such an awful sound, like any machine would after being neglected for so long. I don't know what to do with myself. I'd say I'm beside myself, if I weren't worlds apart by now. 

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