Fuck This/It/Me/You

I hate when I get like this. Repeating words for repentance.
Only it's not mine I'm pounding out this time.
It's his.
I'm hoping in some fucked up way, to redeem him in the words I say.
To cycle through the bad and find the good times that we had.
But there's something missing in the batter I'm now mixing.
That says there's none to be found, and the cycle won't come back around.
That all that's here is memories, not so great of how things used to be.
And I'm only stuck living in the pastbecause there is no future to be had.
This whole journey was a waste of time, both of ours, not just mine.
Digging skeletons up in cemeteries, instead of leaving things just be.
Instead of accepting the way things were, I had to go and dig even further.
The answers to questions I never asked destroyed whatever we even had.
I've felt this way before, I know, and it was a mistake to let him go.
I know if I try hard enough, I can look past all of this.
But I don't know that I should, what else may come out of the woods?
What else do I not know about that may leave me full of doubt?
How can I trust in a future if, I don't even know the past.
Each step feels like a blindfolds on, and everyones chanting me along.
"Don't worry, just take the step", but what if it's one I'll regret?
I always say leave no stone unturned, but this is a lesson I've long learned.
If you've turned the stones but turned them back, the outcomes won't be any different.
Yes, new stones appeared this time, but out of context, they weren't mine.
Yes he's different, he has learned, but from the past I'm still being burned.
And I can't move on, I can't let go, I can't continue down this road.
Not when I don't know what follows, and what might show up tomorrow.
The future is not bulletproof, and the past so easily gets through.
The damage was done, long ago - but I can't forget if I didn't know.
And the wounds feel like their brand new. So fuck this/it/me/you.
Fuck This/It/Me/You Fuck This/It/Me/You Reviewed by Ali Larsen on April 20, 2020 Rating: 5

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