Just Thinking Outloud

I didn't know the universe liked to joke, I have a sense of humor too, but, come on. I was told I needed to be patient, I didn't know why I was waiting. I still don't. I'd be stoked if I thought this meant I'd be able to get him out of my every thought. But I don't have faith in that. I don't have faith in much. It's getting harder every day to see the point of fighting an endless war. I can't go outside to the places that make me feel alive. I can't come down from this anxiety riddled existence. No, can't isn't the right word. I just don't know how to get control of the way I'm feeling. That's better. I want to try and avoid the negative statements. I mean, I'm losing faith in everything, but I'm still trying to hold on to a glimmer of hope. I get to see Shane's face, that's something to be happy about. I get to snuggle with my cats. That's always soothing to a degree. I mean, when they aren't stomping on my bits. I think there may be people I can reach out to, should I be so inclined. I'm still in the position that I don't like to bother people with my problems. I don't like to complain, except here. I feel like everyone who does come here expects a bit of my problems thrown into the mix. But I wouldn't want to converse about the misery. The monster inside me... I prefer not to talk about it anyway. Talking acknowledges something that is best ignored. It rages either way. Oh, I remember the days I gave in. I like to think a lot has changed since the "wild days". Though, I did learn recently that it only takes a few too many drinks to bring back every part of me that I hate. So I guess that's an issue again. I remember when I lost Him to my drinking. That feels like it was only yesterday... It's been 8 years since then. I can't believe the way time has gone, on without me, or so it feels. Nothing feels real. It hasn't in a long time. Maybe that's why I fell for Matt so hard. It was because he made me feel something and I've grown so used to being a robot. I don't know which side I like better. Being alive and feeling and human comes with so much confusion... I'd rather be Tiffany. But even she had a heart of glass. Even she fell for the wrong guy, and right away. The only way she was able to move on was purging her memories. I wish I could too, like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

I used to be Clementine, but now, I'm more like Joel.

Just Thinking Outloud Just Thinking Outloud Reviewed by Ali Larsen on April 29, 2020 Rating: 5

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