A Lunatic

I wish I didn't sound like a lunatic every time something happens in my life. I just can't think when I'm upset. I say and do stupid shit. I pour my heart out again and again. Not because I want to ramble until everyone goes deaf but because I always think of something else I wish I'd said. I know I should wait until I've collected all the thoughts before saying anything. But I'd just forget the most important things. My brain doesn't work the way it should. It's fractured and broken. I'm too sensitive to the world around me, but I just don't see what everyone else sees. The world I live in teeters between reality and my own little thing. 

And I can't stop thinking about him. 

I don't mean to be a lunatic. I swear I don't. I think sometimes I blow up because I try to keep my feelings bottled down. I want to try and open up, but every time I try, I just get hurt. It's getting so hard to see the point. I just want to be happy. For once in my life. I just want to spend time with someone who makes me feel lighter. Someone I'm excited about and look forward to. You know, the way I did with him. 

I'm sure it'll all work out. I am. But, I'm trying to let myself just be sad. If there's one person worth expressing myself to... Ah, it could have been you. It could have been many things, but, I'm sure. Or not. I can't see the future. And I always said if I had that power, I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise. I'm hoping with the more I write, the more the aching in my chest will subside. I don't know how to deal with this kind of thing anymore. I thought I was a robot, remember? 

But seriously. Despite my intuition leading me right into pain, I'm not giving up on myself just yet. Things will always work out in the end. I have no doubt. I can't. If I start losing that certainty that everything will work out for me I think I'd lose my whole reason for getting out of bed in the morning. It's hard enough as it is, I don't need to cause myself more pain. 

I know, I did this all to myself. I'm using men the way I used alcohol. Or I really fell this time... I don't know. At least I can say I tried. 

A Lunatic A Lunatic Reviewed by Ali Larsen on September 12, 2020 Rating: 5

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