Sharing Myself, My Deepest Desires

(Only leaving this one up temporarily because it just shares too much of me. Worse , the side I never want people to see, that I do my best to deny is even there... Consider yourself lucky.)

It doesn't feel good to be used once and discarded, like a prom dress. I want to be treasured more than that. I want ty be the dress that gets um hung up and preserved because looking at it brings too much joy to throw away. I want to bring someone as much joy as those moments with him brought me. A smile so wide my face keeps hurting. I want someone to look at me with love-struck eyes. The way I misread that he just might. I want, I want, I want... I don't mean to sound demanding and prudish. I just feel like I'm getting older. I feel like it's harder and harder. I'm already attracted to so few people that it's hard to think there's someone out there. Especially when he made me feel so unreal.

"You'll meet someone else." 
"You're still young." 

Their words don't mean a thing when my heart believes it's found someone. It's not as easy as 1,2,3 - SNAP! I no longer feel a thing. It used to be that way. I had no problems shutting off my feelings. Everything was something I could shrug off. These days it's getting tough. 

I've had to face a few realities that I never thought were possibilities. I have thoughts inside my head that I wish I didn't. I don't know if I'll regret sharing them Outloud, but I want the universe to know what I truly want. So I'm going to take this chance, and, I'm ripping myself open. 

I want to be wifed up. I want to be a forever to someone. I want someone who loves me so much they just can't get enough. I know I'm not easy to handle. I'm crazy and that'll always be a problem. But I want someone who can simply love me until I'm me again. Someone who wants to kiss all the bruises and memorize every scar of my past. I want someone to wake up next to who let's put a deep sigh because they can't believe how lucky they are to have me. And I'll be appreciative. I'll do little things, like bring him chocolates. I'll dress up when he wants me to and do things that I'd normally never do. I'll scrapbook pictures of us together and decorate the walls with so much color. I want to create a life together. Not perfect - even better.

It's not just him that has me thinking about what the future might be bringing. I'm depressed, that doesn't help much. I don't feel like I can catch up. I mean, there are so many things I've missed. I never had a prom, I don't have my license. I've never traveled to another country, I've never stepped foot in the sea. I've got a bucket list that's miles longs, but there are so few things I'd regret not crossing off. 

I never wanted to settle down, or have a family. But he's brought that fantasy out of me. I could see being his wife, starting our own unorthodox life. We'd have hours of sweat-soaked passion, and even more time spent laughing. I'd bring lunch into his office and leave him with a kiss. One day, not too far off, there'd be another set of footsteps. So much smaller, yet larger than life. Our beautiful little boy. He'd be so curly and his skin would be dark. Just like his dad, he'd be a Heartbreaker. 

See what I mean about the insanity? I've never had these kinds of fantasies. Am I getting old or just going insane? Or is he really the one to blame? I think being with him, feeling the way that I did, has opened up Pandora's box - which I did my best to keep locked. But his eyes were as welcoming as his words and I lost myself in what we were. Yes, only momentary, but my brain didn't catch up with reality. And my heart swooned so badly it can't stand still. And my body is still under his will. Every thought in my head is of this man and everything we could have had. 

Sharing Myself, My Deepest Desires Sharing Myself, My Deepest Desires Reviewed by Ali Larsen on September 15, 2020 Rating: 5

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