Sunday, July 31, 2022

Something About You

I had a dream about you again last night. It seems like you've occupied my mind for most of my life. It's like, just when I think I've kicked the thought of you, you're back in my head. It's always the same too. We're never lovers, but we learn to be friends. I wish that's the way it really was. I think my subconscious knows that. Those hopes and dreams are just too much to handle in the face of reality. You'd never give me the chance to bey our friend. I understand why. It's crazy that some girl from grade school is popping into your DMs like you spoke to her yesterday. But you didn't. You wouldn't. It was so long ago, it makes no sense. She's too much to handle. And there's no pay-out. What's the benefit of being my friend? Well, I'm kind, and I'm patient. I prefer listening to talking, though I always have decent advice. I can also just be a shoulder to metaphorically cry on. I can be supportive. Plus, I think I'm really funny and it's always worth a laugh. Sometimes, at my own expense. I'm willing to throw myself under the bus, poor phrasing, in order to help my friends out or make them feel better. I'm really devoted. And maybe that can be scary, sure. But I'm passionate. That's not a bad thing. You might know that if you gave me half a chance. But not in this life, I know. In another life, you and I were the best of friends.  In this reality, I'm just a pathetic schoolgirl trying to get my crush to notice me. Only, I'm an adult. And we stopping talking 20 years ago. It's insane that you still cross my mind. I know that.  I always wonder why. What is it about you that I can't let go of? I mean, I'm not even reliving the "good ole' times". I don't think about us in the time we actually existed. I think about us in the present. You and me, as we are, only friends instead of strangers. I help you out with relationship advice. I babysit for you when you're going on date night. I'm there for you. You're there for me. We co-exist in perfect harmony. And that's what I want. That's the dream, and almost every night it finds its way into my slumber. I want to let go, I do. I know how insane it all is. But there's just something about you. Maybe it's the sparkle in those eyes, or the way my heart melts for your smile... I don't know. I'm prone to over-romanticizing everything. That's the hopeful side of me that thinks everything is going to work out in the end. The rest of me knows I'm just digging up graves to find skeletons of people who no longer exist. No one stays the same, even if they try. We all change. I grew up, but couldn't let go. Oh well. I'm trying, and I'm hoping that writing will help. Though, if the past is any indication, it's just going to make you more prominent in my mind.

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