Never Signing Off

  I have always admired you.  You have faced continuous challenges, and yet you never let them get the best of you. You never let anything hold you down, no matter what tries to. You always get back up. You always try again. It doesn't matter how badly you've been hurt in the past, you will go forward with a willing heart. You've never been bitter. You've never been resentful. You've just accepted the rotten things that life has thrown under your feet. We should all be as strong as you are. We should all aim to be as brave in the face of challenges. You even do it with grace. There is a reason I base so many of my characters off of you. You demonstrate the qualities that most people wish they had themselves. Myself included. I'm a cynic and I'm bitter. You're hopeful and eager and willing and open. I don't know how you do it, from your open arms to your open heart. You are the single most beautiful human being I have ever met in my life. I me...

I owe you an apology. I should have never reached out. At the time, I couldn't possibly see what an always position that might put you in. I never would have thought of it, until I was on the receiving end.  Don't get me wrong, I love when people reach out. I'm not saying I don't. I'm a strong believer in timing being everything. Something that was a disaster a year ago could seem like a miracle now. Or sometimes, out works the opposite. Connections that are meant to find a way will always find a way. Connections that are meant to fizzle out like stars before falling to the atmosphere and burning up.  I should have realized our lives were too different. I didn't really have anything to offer you.  When I reached out last, I was in the middle of intense therapy. I acted outside of my own best interest, even prompting my therapist to ask why I reached out. I couldn't give her an answer at the time. I didn't know why I reached out.  Over the last two years ...

The most frustrating thing about picking the names in Nashville Summer was that I couldn't use the one name that meant the absolute most to me. There was no way to incorporate that name without everything suddenly changing meaning.  It doesn't have to do with him and him alone. There are so many people who have been influential in my life with the same name. From musicians I was obsessed with to my own step-father; that name has always had an important place in my heart. Canonically, it would have been one of the characters' names. It was a popular name at the time. It's kind of a classic, and it just rolls off the tongue... There is one that outshines the rest, always has. He's my cellmate. I don't really know when he became a thing for me. The lines are always blurred a bit when it comes to narrowing down time frames. But, I know when I needed him. I know when he was the only thing supporting me in the darkest time of my life. Him and Mel. I know that I can le...

I've been thinking of you every time I close my eyes.  I wish I could keep you further from my mind.  Every time I blink, it's like a flash of light. I think I've loved you in every single life. I know it wouldn't make any sense to you,  I would never expect it to.  Really, I don't understand it myself.  I've tried so many things, nothing seems to help. I thought I'd be able to write you out, Leave you in the past, without a doubt. Instead it did quite the opposite, I'm thinking of you more because of it.  I'm hoping it's a temporary side effect Of being able to finally leave you in the past. You never wanted to be in my life, I wish I could respect that inside my mind.  I never should have reached out, I wouldn't again. After all these years, how could we be friends? I wasn't thinking it through, that's obvious. There's no possible future for the two of us. It was silly to think we could reconnect, But I had to take the chance, I...

I try not to leave my house at all during the winter months. I hibernate. I am a complete shut in. I get cold to the bone and I can't get warm again. Being outside feels like burning all over and freezing at the core. It's been this way for two years, since I got sick. It doesn't really affect my daily life, just my productivity from December-February.  This year, I think I've made good use of my hibernation. I've put my mind to work. Unfortunately, my emotions were put to work too.  All of my writing projects shed light on a few unresolved issues that I have. I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. If writing were adequate enough therapy, I would have just worked through every issue I've ever had. I certainly cataloged some of the worst moments of my entire life. The last few weeks have been nothing but facing things that I didn't think were a big deal at the time. Things I'm realizing were way bigger deals.  I can't help but think I missed a lot ...

2021 Where did my faith come from? In 2024, I was on my death bed facing a few harsh truths about my life. I never really recovered from that. I spiralled into a depression instead of sprouting wings and soaring over the obstacles. Falling into that depression is the reason I got rid of everything I owned, cut contact with everyone in my life, and started making a concrete plan to end my life. 2021 I did not find God at the edge of the cliff, when I was about to jump. When I managed to pull myself together and took a few steps back, God was there to pat me on the back. To congratulate me for overcoming it.  God is supposed to inspire us to be better people for each other, not for him.  I believe God is making me stronger. God is giving me a voice. God is cheering me on and motivating me on my journey. God is my cheerleader so that I can be a cheerleader for others. 2021 All I've ever wanted to do was help people with my words. I don't know why it took me this long to finally a...

I don't need to write my own allegory. You already wrote it for me. I wish you had given me the decency of anonymity. Instead, you put me on blast. You always said you'd take the pain and put it on a billboard. I said I hoped your plan crashed over the Atlantic. We were made for fashion, not function and we're more like beauty and the beast. But the beauty is only skin deep because we're both monsters on the inside. I wish I could have put your name in lights. Instead, I'm left your dirty secret, swept under the rug of your picture perfect life. But you'd still come to me in the middle of the night. You can say you wouldn't until you're blue in the face. You look so good in blue, I just might listen if only to see you struggle for an explanation. You were never good in person, better on the page by your own proclamation. You took the worst moments of our life and put them in type. I never thought I'd see the day you'd write a best seller about ou...

I finished putting together my keepsake book today. It's written like an autobiography that might be read by the public, but I didn't bother changing any of the names. I basically wrote the book for myself, retelling me my own history in case I ever forget. With how much I've lost of my mind already, I expect certain elements will fade with time. There are people and things I'd never want to forget and people and things I can't wait to forget. Now I just have to wait for the proof in the mail (not that there is going to be more than 1 copy made).  This is my birthday gift to myself. If my friends ever want to read it, I'd be happy to let them.

[This is an excerpt from "Your Favorite Broken Record", my memoir.] “Hey, could you grab me another?” John called from the living room. I turned around and grabbed a second beer from the fridge. I headed back into the living room and held one in his direction. He took it, popping the cap off with the corner of the coffee table. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a bottle opener. The TV was playing in the background. It was a soccer game or something, but neither of us were really watching. The TV was just background noise to the conversation we were having. “I’m surprised you’re not more upset.” I observed. He shrugged in his usual fashion. “You can’t worry about the future. It’s unpredictable.” He mused. I shrugged. “I think the country is filled with idiots and they shouldn’t get a right to vote.” I argued. He sighed. “You can’t limit people’s ability to have political differences. We need different opinions. It keeps the world moving and keeps things interesting.” He rambl...

For over a year, there has been a cat roaming around outside of my house. At first, we thought he was a stray. After a few weeks of watching him, we were convinced there was no way a human loved this cat. He was starved for attention more than food and he was trying to get into our house every time someone would go inside or outside. I contacted the local rescue because they have a TNR program. They were happy to come and scoop up the boy and bring him to get fixed. When they did, his owner showed up and made a scene. Her cat wasn't fixed, but was outside when that's not legal in our bylaw. Somehow, after they discovered this cat wasn't being cared for, the cat was returned to its' owner. It was back outside the same day. Even though his ear had been tipped because he was done as part of the program. His nose, raw from rubbing on the cage, wasn't healed either. It was still bloody. She let him back outside.  As the weather got colder, we started letting him hide out...