Never Signing Off

  Chapter 1 A Lonely Introduction There's a purple glow illuminating my work space. It's casting a shadow, though only slightly, over my shoulder. The way it's reflecting off the mirrored dresser lights up the whole room. Suddenly, I catch my reflection in the whiteboard calendar that sits beside the bed. I see the magnet on the date. I use a magnet to tell me what day it is because I'm too scatterbrained to circle the date, never remembering to circle the following date or erase the last. Forgetting to move time ahead. This way, pulling the magnet is the easiest way to keep track of the hours rolling into days. Pushing the magnet into the empty squares that should be filled with assignments. I've got post-it notes on every corner, some scattered across the board. These are goals. Mocking me. Things I intend to accomplish this month. But, it's the end of the month and all the pieces of paper scatter the empty white squares. Reminders. The things I need to s...

UPDATE: YOU'RE GETTING ONE DAY AT A TIME THROUGHOUT JULY/AUGUST/SEPTEMBER Because I've never cared about the monetary value of anything, I'm going to be sharing my autobiography throughout the summer. Much like my other books, it will have a dedicated page that can be found on the menu.  There is no point in writing text that will never be seen... I have a second autobiography that was written as a time capsule project for myself. I'm going to combine these two books and give you an edited version. I have to edit them before posting because I didn't bother with censorship or changing the names. The memoir mentions very few people by name; The keepsake book mentions everyone in vivid detail. I'd never share that kind of information. I made damn sure when I wrote The Series that I was not using any identifying descriptors. I only use the first names, then change them to random names when I'm finished writing. I CANNOT post the series online. It will only be av...

I'm sharing this movie. The particularly interesting segment is "Chess" - which suggests a way that human beings are going to be able to beat AI when the ultimate challenge comes. We have one thing the machines can never take away from us and that is what makes us human beings.  Emotions .  Additionally, if you're interested in hurting the way your brain works, I also recommend watching (they are all horror movies): Constantine (2005) The Cell (2000) Evolution (2001) Feardotcom (2002) Final Destination 1&2 (2000 & 2003) The Butterfly Effect (2004) Tokyo Gore Police (2009) R.I.P. to Yoshihiro Nishimura - The world has lost a true fucking visionary . 

I hate it when you face the wall and refuse to talk. I hate when you wake me up when you go for your 6 am walk. I hate the way you're always intentionally singing off key. But I love how you rearranged your entire life for me. I love how many things I've only done because of you. I love the way you held my hand and always saw it through. I love how brave you've been, even when everything went wrong. I love that it's because of you that I've become so strong. I hate the armor that you built having to deal with damage from me. I hate all the obvious abuse that I was too blind to see. I hate the way sometimes there's a bitterness in your voice, But I love when you remind me you've always had a choice. I love that you never hesitate when I ask you if it's changed. I love that you're so confident about making the same mistakes. I love that it never bothers you what other people say. I love how fucking strong you are, I'm always amazed. I hate that you...

I don't know where I'd be without you by my side. You are my inspiration and a constant source of pride. I don't know why I fought so hard to keep you at a distance. Since you've been around, everything has fallen into place. You are such a blessing, I'm grateful to have you in my life. It is because of you that I'm finally able to thrive. I know I gave you a hard time, I made you try and try and try.  Nothing was ever good enough. I had no sense of trust. I saw the worst in everyone. You knew that, but didn't run. Instead, you marched head first Into the disaster that has been us. I hope you never regret a second, Because I know that I never would. You remind me every single day In new and unique ways That my love for you will never change, I don't think I've ever felt this way. You bring out a different feeling. You leave my knees weak and my heart reeling. Sometimes it's all to much for me. But loving you is just so easy. We're always nit-...

 

 It's been too long to recall how long you've been around. I think I've known you in too many lives for me to count. I know when I'm awake in the middle of the night, There's no one else I'd rather have by my side. You entertain my ranting and listen to me talk. When it comes to you, I'll do anything but walk. I always considered myself To be a head-first kind of girl. You made it easy to fall in love. There was no such thing as going slow. The minute I met you, My heart was yours and I knew. It didn't matter what might change. That would always stay the same. Of course, I played hard to get at first. We've already established I have trust issues. I didn't know what you wanted from me, So I made sure to keep you wanting. You probably told me exactly what you wanted, But my insecurities always speak the loudest.  I translated every sweet nothing Into something disgusting. There were times I made you sound like a monster, But you persisted even whe...

I want to apologize For everything I said last night. I know sometimes I can be cruel. When I get into a certain mood. I'm snappy and I'm pretty rude. I completely lose my cool. You do the best you can do To navigate through. I appreciate that you talk to me Like adults, capable of communicating. I don't even have to second guess Exactly what it is you meant. You're always absolutely clear. I love you so much my dear. I never feel ashamed to Admit when I am wrong to you. You're always so mature about it. Even if I was being a brat. I know that I can be hard to handle. I'm not exactly a good example. You make me want to be a better person, You make a future seem worth it. You're so encouraging and supportive of me. I don't know how I ever got so lucky. Every day I see you smile, I know you're worth the struggle. I hope talking to you is always like this. I never want things to drastically change. I can handle bending with time, As long as you're s...