Never Signing Off

The movie they went to see was called “Rush Hour”. Hayden wasn’t really paying attention to the plot. She liked how the movie was paced. She liked the random explosions. She just couldn’t focus. She didn’t really understand why she was having such an issue with focusing. She had always been scatterbrained. This was different. She was struggling to focus on anything other than Rob. He wasn’t paying attention to the movie either. He kept looking over at Hayden and smiling. Halfway through the movie, he grabbed her hand. She couldn’t help but mirror his dorky smile back at him. She had no idea what they were going to do about Jessica. She was just getting started. She had a twisted mind. Hayden knew that very well. The fire was her warning shot. The way Hayden saw it, she was threatening Rob to not be with Hayden. If they kept seeing each other, Jessica was going to take it to the next level. Hayden was admittedly a bit scared of Jessica. She never wanted to be on the receiving end o...

Hayden had never watched a hockey practice or even a game. She wasn’t a sports fan. No one in her family was athletic. She didn’t have much exposure. Watching Brent slide around on the ice was actually impressive. For the first time, Hayden saw a use for the trio’s energy. Danny was moving so fast her eyes couldn’t follow him. She was originally trying to follow the puck with her eyes, but that was confusing. It seemed to move too fast. Hayden wasn’t able to follow it for long. Instead, she started following Brent. She couldn’t tell which one was him, except for the number on his back. Chris was the goalie for the team, so he wasn’t moving around. But he had to focus on where the puck was at all times. Hayden knew that took a lot of energy because it was exhausting her to try. Rob looked over and laughed at the look of concentration on her face. “You don’t have to be so into it.” He teased. She shook her head. “Don’t mess me up.” She dismissed. She was still holding his hand, but her...

Hayden went straight home after school. Rob had told her to come around 5. She wanted to have a quick snack, as she was likely going to miss dinner. She was just going to tell her parents she was eating at Rob’s. She often did. There was nothing unusual about going to Rob’s. Somehow, she felt like she was doing something wrong. Like she was lying about where she was going, even though she wasn’t. Maybe her intentions weren’t entirely pure, but she wasn’t letting those thoughts settle in her mind. She kept reminding herself that this was completely platonic. She had no reason to be nervous. She was just going to talk to her best friend. Her best friend who kissed her in a drunken stupor. A friend she kissed because… Why did she kiss him? She didn’t have an answer for him, but she should have an answer for herself. She grabbed a snack and headed down to her bedroom. She pulled out her journal to panic scribble while she ate. She turned on the small black and white TV and let basic cable ...

The next morning, Rob was there bright and early. He had a bright smile on his face like nothing had happened. Hayden dragged him into the tree house in the back. No one was up there. She motioned for him to sit down on one of the pillows. “What the hell?” She barked. Rob raised his eyebrow. “What?” He asked, a slight chuckle leaving his parted lips. Hayden’s jaw dropped. “Are we going to pretend that nothing happened yesterday?” She asked. Rob nodded. “Unless you want me to kill him.” He threatened. Hayden shook her head. “No, that’s not what I’m talking about.” She screeched. Rob looked down at the floor. “Why did you kiss me?” She asked bluntly. Rob looked up at her and smirked. “Why did you kiss me ?” He countered. She went to answer, but her mouth hung open in silence. “I don’t know.” She answered. She sat down beside him, letting out an exaggerated sigh. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time.” He answered quietly. Hayden raised her eyebrow. “What?” She stuttered. R...

Hayden’s concern only got worse as the days went by and Rob wasn’t coming back to school. Finally, on Friday, he was waiting at the bus stop when she got there. She was excited to see him and threw her arms around him. He pulled away from her, like he was uncomfortable. She wasn’t sure how to react. He had never pulled away from her before. Now she was worried that she had done something wrong and she was the reason he wasn’t feeling well. She let out a sigh of frustration and stomped away from him. She waited on the other side of the bus stop. She sat down beside another kid, not giving Rob the chance to shun her again. She put her bag up on her lap and wrapped her arms around it. Rob walked past her without a second glance, taking a seat near the back of the bus. She could see him in the mirror at the front of the bus. He had his head rested on the window and he was just staring out the glass at the road below. In the quiet minutes before the teacher got into the classroom, Hayden de...

Hayden walked over to Amy’s house after her talk with the girls. She was confident that Amy would be able to give her better guidance than the girls. She already tried asking her mother and she didn’t want to wait to learn at school. She wanted to be prepared. She took a deep breath before knocking. She knew that Amy was off work, but wasn’t sure she was going to be home. She was happy when the door opened and Amy motioned her inside. “I need to know about sex.” Hayden blurted out. Amy raised her eyebrow. “And why would you need to know something like that?” She countered. Hayden sighed. “Come on, no one else will tell me and I feel like it’s something I should know. What if there are social cues I miss because I don’t know what they are?” Hayden rambled. Amy nodded, motioning for her to have a seat on the couch. Hayden dropped down dramatically. “What do you know?” Amy pried. Hayden shook her head. “Nothing. We’re built different, those parts go together and that’s how babies ar...

I owe you an apology, but I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I should start by apologizing for the way I am. I always said I never would, but age has made it clear that I’ve always been the problem. It was one of my greatest fears. I never wanted to look too closely behind the mirror. I knew exactly what I was going to see. The truth is ugly, but it was painfully clear: I am a total fucking train wreck. I owe an apology to every single person I’ve ever met. I can’t count on one hand how many lives I’ve improved. I’ve known I’ve made a bad impact on any that I’ve swooned. I can’t maintain a healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. I’m too wrapped up in the delusions that exist inside of my mind. I don’t know if it’s funny or kind of sad, I only wanted to make you happy and give you the entire fucking world because I believed it was what you deserved. I’ve sent so many well wishes your way, I guess I hoped it would be reciprocated someday. I know that I wanted you to think a...