Never Signing Off

Hayden walked over to Amy’s house after her talk with the girls. She was confident that Amy would be able to give her better guidance than the girls. She already tried asking her mother and she didn’t want to wait to learn at school. She wanted to be prepared. She took a deep breath before knocking. She knew that Amy was off work, but wasn’t sure she was going to be home. She was happy when the door opened and Amy motioned her inside. “I need to know about sex.” Hayden blurted out. Amy raised her eyebrow. “And why would you need to know something like that?” She countered. Hayden sighed. “Come on, no one else will tell me and I feel like it’s something I should know. What if there are social cues I miss because I don’t know what they are?” Hayden rambled. Amy nodded, motioning for her to have a seat on the couch. Hayden dropped down dramatically. “What do you know?” Amy pried. Hayden shook her head. “Nothing. We’re built different, those parts go together and that’s how babies ar...

I owe you an apology, but I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I should start by apologizing for the way I am. I always said I never would, but age has made it clear that I’ve always been the problem. It was one of my greatest fears. I never wanted to look too closely behind the mirror. I knew exactly what I was going to see. The truth is ugly, but it was painfully clear: I am a total fucking train wreck. I owe an apology to every single person I’ve ever met. I can’t count on one hand how many lives I’ve improved. I’ve known I’ve made a bad impact on any that I’ve swooned. I can’t maintain a healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. I’m too wrapped up in the delusions that exist inside of my mind. I don’t know if it’s funny or kind of sad, I only wanted to make you happy and give you the entire fucking world because I believed it was what you deserved. I’ve sent so many well wishes your way, I guess I hoped it would be reciprocated someday. I know that I wanted you to think a...

Hayden couldn’t focus throughout second period. She kept thinking of Rob. This wasn’t the first time Jessica threatened to kill herself. Rob didn’t act this way the last time she did it. Hayden had no idea what had crawled under his skin, but she wanted to scratch it out. She missed her best friend. When the bell rang, it pulled Hayden out of her thoughts. Class was over and she had no idea what the lesson had been. It was a good thing she was such a good student, she could afford to miss the occasional information without it hurting her grades. She scrambled up, collecting all of her stuff from the top of her desk. She walked with a quick pace towards the cafeteria. She was hoping that Rob would already be there. He was, but he wasn’t alone. Jessica was draped over his shoulder like nothing was wrong. Rob looked no better than he had during first period. Hayden was slow in approaching the pair. Brent was already at the other end of the table with his dumb and obnoxious friends. Hayden...

Hayden put her binders out on display on her bed. She checked that there were four, and that all of them had paper inside of them. She shoved the binders into her backpack and looked around for her pencil case. She should have had her books packed before this morning, but she used the pencil case every day. At first, she couldn’t find it. When she found it, it was on the floor behind her desk. She knelt down on the floor and grabbed the pencil case. She tossed it into her bag, then grabbed her bag and flung it over her shoulder. She headed down the stairs and into the kitchen. Her mother was preparing her lunch already. Hayden put her bag on the kitchen table. She went into the living room to say good morning to her beagle, Daisy. She had been with the family for about 4 years. She was one of Hayden’s best friends. Hayden lived in the Grennon housing complex. It was a neighborhood for low-income families. The townhouses were in the shape of a “C”. Hayden called it the seashell house....

I feel like I've been losing my mind.  I've taken a twisted ride in time.  Back to the days I didn't remember,  Forward to future I dismembered.  I know that my chances were low,  If I had tried, at least I'd know.  Maybe I'd even be able to let go,  Look forward to what the future holds.  Instead you're just another regret On a list that just keeps growing.  I don't even know where to start,  But I'm all in, following my heart.  It might get messy, it has before.  But I need to do this, fuck collateral.  I'll deal with the aftermath,  It would be the first time I stick around.  My signature move has always been Drop the bomb and do my spin.  Middle finger in the air Walking away, flipping my hair.  No one likes that side of me,  But I'm working on integrating.  I have to explore each of these parts If I ever want a healthy start.  I'm coming back to life again,  Like a Phoenix from ...

I may look like an angel, But I'm a devil in disguise. Much like the devil,  I've no need to tell lies. You've painted your own picture Of me inside your head. You've distorted reality, Both the good and the bad. I don't need to say a word, I haven't in a long time. I know my silence breaks you. I creep inside your mind. I would try apologizing If I felt there was any reason. But I know my words would be wasted; I know you're not listening. I hope one day in the future You can let go of who I was, Take the time to get to know me, Maybe then we'd have a fighting chance. But if history is a lesson, I know you're too far gone. You'll commit the worst me to memory, You'll never let go or move on. I really do wish the best for you, Even though it doesn't feel that way. My words have a mind of their own; I don't really get a say. I'm attached to something too, But it's not part of the past. I'm attached to reveries Of the future...

I bet you never knew this, But I’d watch you through the glass When you were playing drums In Mr. Piles class. I always thought of you, Even when we weren’t talking. Remember when I sprained my ankle, You helped me with walking? I wrote about you in the yearbook Ms. Monohan made her grade 7 class. I knew I’d always remember you, Even if it’s a pain in the ass. When I was in the music room, I’d watch you mowing the grass I assumed it was your punishment, Like dishes when me and Jesse skipped class. I remember watching Lord of the Rings Thinking about our relationship. I remember thinking that I’d Always be all on in this. I can remember just how much it hurt When Justy told me that you kissed. I wanted to be the only girl Who would love you like this. That’s why I wanted To be your very first girl. I wanted that experience, Before the rest of the world. My intentions were always pure, I loved you with all my being. Why do you think I always called you? Yo...

I can't stop looking at your picture. I keep hoping you'll get the message and want to return the call. I know you won't. You don't think of me the way I think of you. You never did. You never could. That information hasn't helped me to feel differently towards you. I know you're an unwilling participant in this crush. You told me yourself. But I guess I can't help myself. I think we belong together. I think we'd make each other better. I know that it would be weird at first. But isn't every relationship? It doesn't matter the history or lack thereof. The only thing that matters is this exact moment and the choices we make for tomorrow.  I wish someone would choose me. Sometimes it feels like I'm the most unlovable person in the world. What was it you said? Everyone loves me except for you? Yeah. Doesn't it just feel that way sometimes? You know I'm still reciting the same old lines. I'm not sure I'll ever flip this record ove...

  I have always admired you.  You have faced continuous challenges, and yet you never let them get the best of you. You never let anything hold you down, no matter what tries to. You always get back up. You always try again. It doesn't matter how badly you've been hurt in the past, you will go forward with a willing heart. You've never been bitter. You've never been resentful. You've just accepted the rotten things that life has thrown under your feet. We should all be as strong as you are. We should all aim to be as brave in the face of challenges. You even do it with grace. There is a reason I base so many of my characters off of you. You demonstrate the qualities that most people wish they had themselves. Myself included. I'm a cynic and I'm bitter. You're hopeful and eager and willing and open. I don't know how you do it, from your open arms to your open heart. You are the single most beautiful human being I have ever met in my life. I me...

I owe you an apology. I should have never reached out. At the time, I couldn't possibly see what an always position that might put you in. I never would have thought of it, until I was on the receiving end.  Don't get me wrong, I love when people reach out. I'm not saying I don't. I'm a strong believer in timing being everything. Something that was a disaster a year ago could seem like a miracle now. Or sometimes, out works the opposite. Connections that are meant to find a way will always find a way. Connections that are meant to fizzle out like stars before falling to the atmosphere and burning up.  I should have realized our lives were too different. I didn't really have anything to offer you.  When I reached out last, I was in the middle of intense therapy. I acted outside of my own best interest, even prompting my therapist to ask why I reached out. I couldn't give her an answer at the time. I didn't know why I reached out.  Over the last two years ...