Never Signing Off

Hayden went straight home after school. Rob had told her to come around 5. She wanted to have a quick snack, as she was likely going to miss dinner. She was just going to tell her parents she was eating at Rob’s. She often did. There was nothing unusual about going to Rob’s. Somehow, she felt like she was doing something wrong. Like she was lying about where she was going, even though she wasn’t. Maybe her intentions weren’t entirely pure, but she wasn’t letting those thoughts settle in her mind. She kept reminding herself that this was completely platonic. She had no reason to be nervous. She was just going to talk to her best friend. Her best friend who kissed her in a drunken stupor. A friend she kissed because… Why did she kiss him? She didn’t have an answer for him, but she should have an answer for herself. She grabbed a snack and headed down to her bedroom. She pulled out her journal to panic scribble while she ate. She turned on the small black and white TV and let basic cable ...

The next morning, Rob was there bright and early. He had a bright smile on his face like nothing had happened. Hayden dragged him into the tree house in the back. No one was up there. She motioned for him to sit down on one of the pillows. “What the hell?” She barked. Rob raised his eyebrow. “What?” He asked, a slight chuckle leaving his parted lips. Hayden’s jaw dropped. “Are we going to pretend that nothing happened yesterday?” She asked. Rob nodded. “Unless you want me to kill him.” He threatened. Hayden shook her head. “No, that’s not what I’m talking about.” She screeched. Rob looked down at the floor. “Why did you kiss me?” She asked bluntly. Rob looked up at her and smirked. “Why did you kiss me ?” He countered. She went to answer, but her mouth hung open in silence. “I don’t know.” She answered. She sat down beside him, letting out an exaggerated sigh. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time.” He answered quietly. Hayden raised her eyebrow. “What?” She stuttered. R...

Hayden’s concern only got worse as the days went by and Rob wasn’t coming back to school. Finally, on Friday, he was waiting at the bus stop when she got there. She was excited to see him and threw her arms around him. He pulled away from her, like he was uncomfortable. She wasn’t sure how to react. He had never pulled away from her before. Now she was worried that she had done something wrong and she was the reason he wasn’t feeling well. She let out a sigh of frustration and stomped away from him. She waited on the other side of the bus stop. She sat down beside another kid, not giving Rob the chance to shun her again. She put her bag up on her lap and wrapped her arms around it. Rob walked past her without a second glance, taking a seat near the back of the bus. She could see him in the mirror at the front of the bus. He had his head rested on the window and he was just staring out the glass at the road below. In the quiet minutes before the teacher got into the classroom, Hayden de...

Hayden walked over to Amy’s house after her talk with the girls. She was confident that Amy would be able to give her better guidance than the girls. She already tried asking her mother and she didn’t want to wait to learn at school. She wanted to be prepared. She took a deep breath before knocking. She knew that Amy was off work, but wasn’t sure she was going to be home. She was happy when the door opened and Amy motioned her inside. “I need to know about sex.” Hayden blurted out. Amy raised her eyebrow. “And why would you need to know something like that?” She countered. Hayden sighed. “Come on, no one else will tell me and I feel like it’s something I should know. What if there are social cues I miss because I don’t know what they are?” Hayden rambled. Amy nodded, motioning for her to have a seat on the couch. Hayden dropped down dramatically. “What do you know?” Amy pried. Hayden shook her head. “Nothing. We’re built different, those parts go together and that’s how babies ar...

I owe you an apology, but I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I should start by apologizing for the way I am. I always said I never would, but age has made it clear that I’ve always been the problem. It was one of my greatest fears. I never wanted to look too closely behind the mirror. I knew exactly what I was going to see. The truth is ugly, but it was painfully clear: I am a total fucking train wreck. I owe an apology to every single person I’ve ever met. I can’t count on one hand how many lives I’ve improved. I’ve known I’ve made a bad impact on any that I’ve swooned. I can’t maintain a healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. I’m too wrapped up in the delusions that exist inside of my mind. I don’t know if it’s funny or kind of sad, I only wanted to make you happy and give you the entire fucking world because I believed it was what you deserved. I’ve sent so many well wishes your way, I guess I hoped it would be reciprocated someday. I know that I wanted you to think a...

Hayden couldn’t focus throughout second period. She kept thinking of Rob. This wasn’t the first time Jessica threatened to kill herself. Rob didn’t act this way the last time she did it. Hayden had no idea what had crawled under his skin, but she wanted to scratch it out. She missed her best friend. When the bell rang, it pulled Hayden out of her thoughts. Class was over and she had no idea what the lesson had been. It was a good thing she was such a good student, she could afford to miss the occasional information without it hurting her grades. She scrambled up, collecting all of her stuff from the top of her desk. She walked with a quick pace towards the cafeteria. She was hoping that Rob would already be there. He was, but he wasn’t alone. Jessica was draped over his shoulder like nothing was wrong. Rob looked no better than he had during first period. Hayden was slow in approaching the pair. Brent was already at the other end of the table with his dumb and obnoxious friends. Hayden...

Hayden put her binders out on display on her bed. She checked that there were four, and that all of them had paper inside of them. She shoved the binders into her backpack and looked around for her pencil case. She should have had her books packed before this morning, but she used the pencil case every day. At first, she couldn’t find it. When she found it, it was on the floor behind her desk. She knelt down on the floor and grabbed the pencil case. She tossed it into her bag, then grabbed her bag and flung it over her shoulder. She headed down the stairs and into the kitchen. Her mother was preparing her lunch already. Hayden put her bag on the kitchen table. She went into the living room to say good morning to her beagle, Daisy. She had been with the family for about 4 years. She was one of Hayden’s best friends. Hayden lived in the Grennon housing complex. It was a neighborhood for low-income families. The townhouses were in the shape of a “C”. Hayden called it the seashell house....