Never Signing Off

Hayden loved when Halloween landed on a Saturday. It gave her all day to get ready. She needed the extra time to mentally prepare this year. She felt like she would be walking into an ambush and she wanted her own weaponry. She could only use her words, so she kept practicing different things she could say when Jessica tried to make a scene. There was no doubt in her mind that Jessica was going to make a scene. Hayden only hoped it could be contained. Hayden was already in her costume, she was just doing her make-up. There wasn’t a real purpose. She was only doing eyeliner and a gray eye shadow. It wasn’t anything flashy, but it was enough to say she made an attempt. She wasn’t really into make up and being girly. It was fine for the people who enjoyed it, but Hayden wasn’t one of them. The only reason she knew how to do her make-up at all was because Samantha had shown her how to do “smokey eyes”. That was all Hayden knew how to do. It always worked, no matter what the situation ...

I've been using a blank notebook for this project since I started flipping my bedroom around. It's a bit more challenging because I can't write as fast, but, it's easier to stay on topic too. I find that typing makes it easy to get lost in the action. Writing by hand hurts. A lot. I'll still keep doing it for the Jason project. No sense in letting that see the light of day. It's filled with things I wish I could have said to him. Everything I wanted to tell him. Everything that didn't make it into the fictional work about the very real way I feel about him. I'm still pretty sure that he is transference for something I can't face yet. I sound like a broken record repeating that sentence. But it's true. It's not like I'm still in love with Jason. I haven't seen him in years. But, he represents something in my mind that I am still attached to and need therapy to overcome. I think. I don't know if I actually need the therapy. I think ...

 Hayden couldn’t stop thinking about what Rob had told her. She had told him a long time ago about her uncle Tommy. It happened when she was 8 or 9. Tommy was young too. He was only 19. But he should have known better. Hayden didn’t. She didn’t see anything wrong with what happened at the time. It was only looking back that she could see there were boundaries that were crossed. Boundaries she wasn’t aware she even had. No one had really told her about that stuff at the time. She was too young. By the time she had the words, Tommy had already overdosed. She didn’t feel like she should mention what happened and ruin other people’s memories of him. She only shared that information with Rob. She couldn’t explain it, but something felt off. It felt like he was lying about something. But she had never known Rob to lie, especially to her. If he did, he would have to have a pretty good reason. All Hayden knew about the situation was she had unintentionally made him uncomfortable. She was g...

I've heard that you've settled down And I want to wish you all the best,  I'm keeping my distance from you, Out of something like respect. I know that I'm one of your greatest regrets. But I can't help that I'm crazy about you, kid. I know it makes no sense, the way I feel, To me, you'll always be better than the real deal. I don't blame you for being you, But sometimes the only way out is through.  I think I'll always feel this way. I've always been fighting it, But I think I need to just accept These feelings are never going to fade. Congratulations, what else can I say? I really do wish you all the best.  If what I think about you is true, You deserve it, you really do. But if I'm wrong, just humor me. Let me hold onto this fantasy.  It's not like I'm hurting anyone else; I'm just hurting myself. I promise I won't hold on forever. I'd like to have my own future. But these feelings are here for a reason, I aim to find ou...

Hayden was right that people were treating her differently. She came to realize it was because they felt sorry for her. Everyone was convinced Rob was a serial dater and that he just manipulated women into being with him. Simply tossing them aside when they were no longer useful. Hayden hated hearing people talk about him like that. He was the absolute opposite. He didn’t seem to care what other people were saying. He never did. Hayden admired that quality. She cared too much about what other people thought. If she didn’t, she never would have been civil with Jessica in the first place. They never had anything in common and they were very different people. On Thursday, Rob came to school with his hair cut. It was styled different, with highlights too. Hayden was happy he listened to her. He said it was because his mother demanded it. But Hayden didn’t think Anne really cared how long his hair was. She had never said anything as far as Hayden knew. Brent used to have longer hair to...

Rob came over again on Sunday to work on the new fort. Hayden wanted to finish it, even if it wasn’t necessary. Rob didn’t know that yet. Hayden wasn’t going to tell him until enough of the foundation was built that she could finish it. Her siblings seemed really excited about the idea and she would feel bad if it didn’t get finished now. She humored Rob, passing him different tools when he asked for them. She mostly moved between screws and screwdrivers. Her father owned a drill, but Rob preferred to use screwdrivers. Hayden didn’t question his methods, as long as the fort was built. Suddenly, he stopped fidgeting with the screwdriver. He sat quietly staring at the ground. Hayden put her hand on his shoulder and leaned closer. “What are you thinking about?” She asked softly. He briefly looked over at her, then bit his lip. “Kissing you.” He confessed, immediately looking away. She put her chin on his shoulder, letting her hand slide to his back. She gently tugged at his shirt. When ...

The movie they went to see was called “Rush Hour”. Hayden wasn’t really paying attention to the plot. She liked how the movie was paced. She liked the random explosions. She just couldn’t focus. She didn’t really understand why she was having such an issue with focusing. She had always been scatterbrained. This was different. She was struggling to focus on anything other than Rob. He wasn’t paying attention to the movie either. He kept looking over at Hayden and smiling. Halfway through the movie, he grabbed her hand. She couldn’t help but mirror his dorky smile back at him. She had no idea what they were going to do about Jessica. She was just getting started. She had a twisted mind. Hayden knew that very well. The fire was her warning shot. The way Hayden saw it, she was threatening Rob to not be with Hayden. If they kept seeing each other, Jessica was going to take it to the next level. Hayden was admittedly a bit scared of Jessica. She never wanted to be on the receiving end o...

Hayden had never watched a hockey practice or even a game. She wasn’t a sports fan. No one in her family was athletic. She didn’t have much exposure. Watching Brent slide around on the ice was actually impressive. For the first time, Hayden saw a use for the trio’s energy. Danny was moving so fast her eyes couldn’t follow him. She was originally trying to follow the puck with her eyes, but that was confusing. It seemed to move too fast. Hayden wasn’t able to follow it for long. Instead, she started following Brent. She couldn’t tell which one was him, except for the number on his back. Chris was the goalie for the team, so he wasn’t moving around. But he had to focus on where the puck was at all times. Hayden knew that took a lot of energy because it was exhausting her to try. Rob looked over and laughed at the look of concentration on her face. “You don’t have to be so into it.” He teased. She shook her head. “Don’t mess me up.” She dismissed. She was still holding his hand, but her...

Hayden went straight home after school. Rob had told her to come around 5. She wanted to have a quick snack, as she was likely going to miss dinner. She was just going to tell her parents she was eating at Rob’s. She often did. There was nothing unusual about going to Rob’s. Somehow, she felt like she was doing something wrong. Like she was lying about where she was going, even though she wasn’t. Maybe her intentions weren’t entirely pure, but she wasn’t letting those thoughts settle in her mind. She kept reminding herself that this was completely platonic. She had no reason to be nervous. She was just going to talk to her best friend. Her best friend who kissed her in a drunken stupor. A friend she kissed because… Why did she kiss him? She didn’t have an answer for him, but she should have an answer for herself. She grabbed a snack and headed down to her bedroom. She pulled out her journal to panic scribble while she ate. She turned on the small black and white TV and let basic cable ...