Never Signing Off

The next day, when she woke up, Hayden went straight to Rob’s. Anne said that he wouldn’t be able to socialize for a while. Hayden was there to speak to Anne. She needed to know if there was any chance Anne believed Jessica. She wanted to set the record straight that Rob wasn’t that kind of guy. If anyone knew, it was her. Rob would die for Hayden, but wouldn’t let her touch him. She would know if he was a piece of garbage. Hayden truly believed anyone who forced another person into something was trash, aside from those who may not have understood themselves. Anyone older, wiser, and knowledgeable was trash. Anne led her into her bedroom, which was supposed to be the living room. Rob had two younger siblings who needed the other 2 bedrooms though. Anne and her husband slept in the living room. Anne was the only person Hayden knew who had a computer. Except Elizabeth’s dad. He had a computer for work, though Hayden never knew what that meant. “How can I help you?” Anne asked softly as ...

When Hayden woke up in the morning, she was really sore. Her entire scalp felt like it was peeling off. She knew it was just because she was sensitive. Jessica had a really tight grip on her. She checked her arm, where Jessica had grabbed her. Sure enough, there was a bruised hand print. Hayden didn’t know what she was going to tell her parents. They were going to ask. She couldn’t tell them it was Jessica. No one would believe her. Unless Hayden came clean about the tree house. That would mean she’d have to tell her parents about her and Rob. He’d never be allowed back in the house if they knew what him and Hayden had been doing. She was certain of that. All day Sunday, Hayden was thinking of the awful ways Jessica would try and get them back. She was likely to make a scene at school, where everyone would favor her version of events. In the few years she had known Jessica, she had seen a wide array of reactions. It depending how angry she really was about the two of them dating. ...

Hayden loved when Halloween landed on a Saturday. It gave her all day to get ready. She needed the extra time to mentally prepare this year. She felt like she would be walking into an ambush and she wanted her own weaponry. She could only use her words, so she kept practicing different things she could say when Jessica tried to make a scene. There was no doubt in her mind that Jessica was going to make a scene. Hayden only hoped it could be contained. Hayden was already in her costume, she was just doing her make-up. There wasn’t a real purpose. She was only doing eyeliner and a gray eye shadow. It wasn’t anything flashy, but it was enough to say she made an attempt. She wasn’t really into make up and being girly. It was fine for the people who enjoyed it, but Hayden wasn’t one of them. The only reason she knew how to do her make-up at all was because Samantha had shown her how to do “smokey eyes”. That was all Hayden knew how to do. It always worked, no matter what the situation ...

I've been using a blank notebook for this project since I started flipping my bedroom around. It's a bit more challenging because I can't write as fast, but, it's easier to stay on topic too. I find that typing makes it easy to get lost in the action. Writing by hand hurts. A lot. I'll still keep doing it for the Jason project. No sense in letting that see the light of day. It's filled with things I wish I could have said to him. Everything I wanted to tell him. Everything that didn't make it into the fictional work about the very real way I feel about him. I'm still pretty sure that he is transference for something I can't face yet. I sound like a broken record repeating that sentence. But it's true. It's not like I'm still in love with Jason. I haven't seen him in years. But, he represents something in my mind that I am still attached to and need therapy to overcome. I think. I don't know if I actually need the therapy. I think ...

 Hayden couldn’t stop thinking about what Rob had told her. She had told him a long time ago about her uncle Tommy. It happened when she was 8 or 9. Tommy was young too. He was only 19. But he should have known better. Hayden didn’t. She didn’t see anything wrong with what happened at the time. It was only looking back that she could see there were boundaries that were crossed. Boundaries she wasn’t aware she even had. No one had really told her about that stuff at the time. She was too young. By the time she had the words, Tommy had already overdosed. She didn’t feel like she should mention what happened and ruin other people’s memories of him. She only shared that information with Rob. She couldn’t explain it, but something felt off. It felt like he was lying about something. But she had never known Rob to lie, especially to her. If he did, he would have to have a pretty good reason. All Hayden knew about the situation was she had unintentionally made him uncomfortable. She was g...

I've heard that you've settled down And I want to wish you all the best,  I'm keeping my distance from you, Out of something like respect. I know that I'm one of your greatest regrets. But I can't help that I'm crazy about you, kid. I know it makes no sense, the way I feel, To me, you'll always be better than the real deal. I don't blame you for being you, But sometimes the only way out is through.  I think I'll always feel this way. I've always been fighting it, But I think I need to just accept These feelings are never going to fade. Congratulations, what else can I say? I really do wish you all the best.  If what I think about you is true, You deserve it, you really do. But if I'm wrong, just humor me. Let me hold onto this fantasy.  It's not like I'm hurting anyone else; I'm just hurting myself. I promise I won't hold on forever. I'd like to have my own future. But these feelings are here for a reason, I aim to find ou...

Hayden was right that people were treating her differently. She came to realize it was because they felt sorry for her. Everyone was convinced Rob was a serial dater and that he just manipulated women into being with him. Simply tossing them aside when they were no longer useful. Hayden hated hearing people talk about him like that. He was the absolute opposite. He didn’t seem to care what other people were saying. He never did. Hayden admired that quality. She cared too much about what other people thought. If she didn’t, she never would have been civil with Jessica in the first place. They never had anything in common and they were very different people. On Thursday, Rob came to school with his hair cut. It was styled different, with highlights too. Hayden was happy he listened to her. He said it was because his mother demanded it. But Hayden didn’t think Anne really cared how long his hair was. She had never said anything as far as Hayden knew. Brent used to have longer hair to...

Rob came over again on Sunday to work on the new fort. Hayden wanted to finish it, even if it wasn’t necessary. Rob didn’t know that yet. Hayden wasn’t going to tell him until enough of the foundation was built that she could finish it. Her siblings seemed really excited about the idea and she would feel bad if it didn’t get finished now. She humored Rob, passing him different tools when he asked for them. She mostly moved between screws and screwdrivers. Her father owned a drill, but Rob preferred to use screwdrivers. Hayden didn’t question his methods, as long as the fort was built. Suddenly, he stopped fidgeting with the screwdriver. He sat quietly staring at the ground. Hayden put her hand on his shoulder and leaned closer. “What are you thinking about?” She asked softly. He briefly looked over at her, then bit his lip. “Kissing you.” He confessed, immediately looking away. She put her chin on his shoulder, letting her hand slide to his back. She gently tugged at his shirt. When ...