Monday, March 30, 2020

Worth The Ride

March 30, 2020 0 Comments


Sometimes the person you love more than anything
Can be the same person who drives you insane.

The love-hate, I want you near, but want you out of sight.
Addicted to passionate sex and fist fights.

Bipolar romantics, and screaming at midnight.
It doesn't always have to be a bad thing, if you can see it in a good light.

And you always looked best standing on my porch in the moonlight.
I remember how you wore those sad puppy dog eyes.

And I thought to myself you were just full of shit.
But I was addicted to believing what you said.

And you always said you loved me but I "fucking drive you mad".
And I always knew I'd never replace what we had.

Now you're in the same boat that I'm in.
We're sinking down fast, and neither can swim.

But I'm not afraid of drowning with you at my side.
We may have been fucked up, but we were well worth the ride.

The Perfect Girl

March 30, 2020 0 Comments

I'm the kind of girl you've always wanted to wake up beside.  
I am your dream girl coming to life.
You may not know you've been looking for me, 
But it won't take you long to see
I'm everything you want and more
I'm a 10, the perfect score. 
I can be a trophy wife, 
Looking like I'm just a prize. 
I can be one of the boys, 
Watching sports and making noise. 
I can be shy and cute and small
I can be anything at all. 
Someone who blends into the background. 
Or I can be loud and proud. 
I can be whatever you want me to be
Without sacrificing anything. 
I'm a sponge, I'm flexible. 
I can get along with anyone. 
The perfect girl to bring home to mom, 
And the easiest to get along.
I don't need to work at all, 
I truly am the perfect girl. 
Open your eyes and you'll see it, 
I'm as real as a girl can get. 
I have flaws, of course I do. 
Perfect is flexible too. 
But what I lack in skills
I make up for in well. 
What I lack in education, 
I make up for with information. 
I'm funny, maybe too sarcastic, 
But I'll always keep you laughing. 
There will always be a smile on your face
Because my goal is to please. 
All you have to do to have me
Is show me that you really want me. 
I don't need much, I'm not picky. 
Just tell me that you love me. 
Make me your one and only
And you'll be the one to hold me. 
I come with bragging rights. 
I'm never one to start a fight. 
I believe in communication. 
So what's keeping you waiting? 

Saturday, March 28, 2020

The Age Of Casual Dating - How To Keep Your Heart From Getting Hurt

March 28, 2020 0 Comments


I've pulled this out of the archives, given my current relationship status. I thought it might be helpful to me, and possible to you. As Spring fever is coming up for many people, I imagine we're all looking for someone to spend our time with. Likely hoping for a date to the beach this summer and someone to sit around a campfire with. If you're not looking for love, it's helpful to get a clear view of exactly what you're looking for before you head out on a mission to find someone. - March 28, 2020

(article written May 2016)

It's hard to find a serious relationship in this day and age. Everything is online. Swipe left or right. A text message that says nothing more than "DTF?". It's hard to avoid. I know we've all been there. So you say to yourself, well, let's give this casual dating thing a chance. But how do you prevent getting attached to the person you're seeing casually? Well, there are some criteria in choosing who that person is that's going to be a major help there. Here are some tips for casual dating that will keep your heart from getting hurt.

1. Choose a partner you can't stand.

You may think I'm joking, but I'm being totally serious. There are so many reports on casual dating that suggest going for someone who is sexy but intolerable is one of the best ways to avoid getting attached. Obviously, you want to feel the flame for the person you're choosing. So, you want them to turn you on physically. But you want them to turn you off intellectually. Maybe it's someone obnoxious, or egotistical. Someone who drives you absolutely crazy. Every time they open their mouth you want to rip your hair out or scream. Good. As long as they're good in the bedroom, that's all you really need. When it comes to casual dating: find someone you can never see yourself falling in love with.

2. Make sure to communicate your needs.

Every relationship, regardless of commitment level, requires communicating. You need to talk with your new partner about the boundaries you're both going to have. Whether or not you're going to be exclusive to one another. If you aren't, what are the outside limits? What happens if either of you develops a stronger interest in someone else? Stuff like that. You want to make sure you're going to be on the same page. Make sure you're both *really* looking for something casual. Many people enter a casual relationship with the hope that it will develop into something more. This is exactly what you're trying not to do. If you've already agreed to a relationship with no strings attached, you don't want to end up tangled in the strings that weren't even supposed to be there. If you start developing feelings for the other person, it's time to call it quits. While some casual relationships do develop into more serious ones, it's very rare. It's more likely to turn into a messy disaster if you let it progress too long. You're trying to protect your heart after all.

3. Don't act like a couple.

This means that you shouldn't go out to public places together. In order to avoid developing any type of romantic feelings for someone, avoid being in any romantic situation with that person. That just feels like common sense, yet it's a mistake everyone ends up making. Sometimes your casual relationship is with a friend or coworker and you often hang out together. If it works for you, fine. But as a standard rule, being in an intimate location starts to develop intimate attachment. You want to avoid that if you can. If you are going out together, make sure it's in groups, where the atmosphere is less intimate. Intimacy in the bedroom is the only thing you're looking for. Try and keep that in mind when you're making connections.

4. Get a freak in the sheets.

Find someone who is just a little bit crazy and exotic. Someone who pushes the limits in just the right ways. Act out strange and crazy fantasies with this person. Things you would never tell anyone else you've ever done. Things you'd never consider asking a boyfriend to do. When you look at your casual relationship, see it as a dirty little secret. Play with that. See your partner as nothing more than an object of desire. This will prevent you from doing things like picturing a relationship with this person. Or seeing anything long term. A little shame can sometimes be a good thing. But, I'm not suggesting you put yourself in dangerous situations here. Unless you want to, of course.
Keep in mind that while you may be willing to give it a chance, casual dating isn't for everyone. Some of us just aren't meant to have a no-strings-attached arrangement. Some of us want someone to hold us after sex. Or someone to go to the movies with. Someone to hold our hand and tell us they love us. But if you don't, then casual dating is right up your alley. So have fun with it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Anchored

March 25, 2020 0 Comments
After you've spent enough time swimming through memories, you start to lose grip of reality. You begin thinking of possible futures with faces that no longer look the same. Your mind is playing tricks on you, convincing you of possibilities that never existed to begin with and certainly couldn't be created out of thin air. Time distorts our memories of even the things we are most sure of. Fact or fiction all blurs into itself in a beautiful dance the two perform on stage together. There is no reality. There is only perception. Perception changes with the way we grow as individuals. Each day, our trials and tribulations combine to create a wiser and older version of who we were yesterday. Tomorrow, you will not be the same person you were today. If you are stuck in stagnation it's only because you're not learning or growing. You don't need a change of scenery or new faces to be a new person. You only need a fraction of new information to change everything that has been. You will not remember today the way you are experiencing it. You will remember yesterday as the person you are now, with clear changes to the way you perceive each event. A mistake you made yesterday might have been the start of a beautiful tomorrow and you'd never know it. Today, you're filled with regret, pain, and a constant sense of the unknown. A week from now all the pieces could fall into place. Will you still see yesterday as a mistake? No. We remember everything only in terms of how the future allows us to see actions/words/thoughts of the past.

Yesterday you were a beautiful moment. Tomorrow you will be a secret. Today, you're just another regret on a long list of those that have come before you. How was I to know the action-reaction? How was I to avoid a mistake I didn't know I was making yet? We can't. We can't avoid what we don't know and we can't let the fear control our lives. Whether we have a future together or not is irrelevant to today. Tomorrow and yesterday mean nothing. Today is all that matters. The feelings and the plans and the actions and the reactions. Only of today because no one knows what version of themselves tomorrow is going to bring.

If you're questioning a decision, a part of you has already made up your mind. We don't walk in random directions, even it feels like we're going blind. There is always a purpose. Maybe not to who we are today, but who we're going to become. Nothing we are today is a reflection of the decisions we made yesterday. The past doesn't have that kind of power until you allow it to be the deciding factor of your future. The joy of being a new version of yourself every day is you can make a different choice today. Yesterday, you may have let the past control your actions. Today, you don't have to. You can take control. It doesn't take weeks, months, or even years. It takes today. So before the day is gone, use your wisdom wisely. Use your voice to speak the unspoken words. Use your senses to experience the world around you. Use your memory to store those moments. Use today to forget yesterday and prepare yourself for tomorrow.

If we truly do only remember in terms of how the future worked out, how do you want to remember today? Was it an anchor or wings?

Saturday, March 21, 2020

Diner

March 21, 2020 0 Comments


I called Jason when I got to town. He said we needed to talk. I wouldn't have called if part of me didn't want to see him, so I agreed. We met at a quiet cafe. The kind with the small tables and high, almost backless, chairs. I asked what he had been up to, even though I already knew. He asked if I went to New York for school, but I told him I had given up that dream. He made a comment about "our" dreams, and how different they turned out to be. I bitterly replied that I had given up dreaming when he gave up on "us". We had both been quiet when he reached for my hand. As he did, I felt that rush. That spark. The same electricity I had felt every time his skin touched mine. We didn't bother with words from there. We went back to his parents. Thunderstorms made less sound. Tornadoes did less damage. The time between this encounter and our last didn't matter in the moments our skin was together. It didn't matter who had been me on nights before. Or who had been him.

In the morning, we went for coffee. We went to the same diner we had our first date. He sat across the table from me and traced his finger around the coffee stain left from the person before him. There was a look in his eyes that said "don't take this personally" and a glaze over them from conversations like this with girls who were me on mornings after. He was rehearsed. An Emmy award winner. At least sitting across from anyone else. But he was dumbstruck sitting in front of me. He couldn't bring himself to recite those lines. They had no meaning to me anyway. I didn't need the words, I read his body language, and he made his intentions clear. He looked down at the coffee stain, letting out a sigh. He said he never wanted it to be like this. Followed by silence. It's funny how conversation dies right after a bombshell comment. But isn't that why they call it a bombshell in the first place? I didn't believe a word he kept to himself, but I couldn't stop listening to his silence. We were completely disconnected now, There was too much distance traveled. Too much mileage.

I thought about the first time we sat in this diner. How I was hooked to his tragedy, and how he brought out my own. If only every disaster looked this sweet. We'd all crave tragedy more than we already do. Life is tragic, but we keep on living. Man kinds real addiction is death and we're all in a rat race to the finish line. It's in the fine print in the contract of life. God damned that fine print. I was too drunk to read it, yet somehow managed to sign it. It's the same with love. The only sure thing in life is the death of everything at some point. There, sitting in that diner, it became clear that everything we had ever been to each other was dead and gone. He confirmed this when the waitress walked over to us and handed him her number. He shoved it down to the bottom of his pocket with all the others. A graveyard of past and future conquests. This was everything he had become. This was what the world did to him. Or maybe, it was me. But personal responsibility had something to do with it, and it became clear, he was set on self-destruction.

He may have had a place of residence, but in every way, he was homeless. Even his body couldn't house his mind now. He was a drifter and the worst kind. He moved from bed to bed, body to body, heart to heart. All while keeping his locked up. I could see it in his eyes now. The boy I once knew, once looked at the stars and daydreamed with, was long gone. There was a hollow shell of a human being in his place. He relapsed on being a human in only fragments. The night before, wrapped in each other's arms, wearing each other's bodies, it was like nothing had ever changed. Now sitting across the table from him it was apparent that everything had. But I wasn't there for a romantic resurrection. I wasn't there for false hope. I was there for the same reason he was, and he knew it.

I broke the silence with his favorite line "might as well drop the bomb, because it ain't love that brought us here". He looked up, cocking a smile. He didn't have to say anything else. Neither did I.

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Affection

March 18, 2020 0 Comments


She calls for my affection
And it comes my attention
That she doesn't even mention
What went wrong.
She never says she's sorry
Which always makes me worry
And I can't get through this flurry
Of the things I've never said.

She's my weakness
And she knows this.
She takes advantage
Almost every single time.
She comes, she goes
I let her walk back and forth
Without asking her to stop
And just think twice.
Maybe I should take control of my life.
But I never listen to my own advice.

She's the blade stuck in my side,
But she's the apple of my eye.
If I were any other guy,
I'd be just fine with how things are.
But I can't be who she thinks I am
Over and over again.
I'm the best she'll ever have,
But she wouldn't know.

Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind.
When she shows up in the middle of the night.
I want to close the door and say goodbye.
But I can't take the tears that pour from her eyes.

There are so many fish in the sea.
That's what my friends keep telling me.
But they don't seem to understand
We're history.

(shut the door when you go
Before the sun has even rose.
I know that you're looking
For something more.
I'll always wish you the best,
Even if you don't deserve it.
That's just the way I am,
If only you cared to understand.)

Saturday, March 14, 2020

Wide Open (Apology)

March 14, 2020 1 Comments

Do I need to write an open apology letter to the world?

They say we're judged by our intentions, but if that were the case - I'd be held in a much higher regard.  Never as selfish as I've been made out to be. Never as malicious. I've never set out to hurt anyone, even if pain is all I've ever caused. I never meant to hurt you - I was only trying to hurt myself. You just got caught in the crossfire and for that, I am sorry. All the apologies in the world can't make up for the mistakes that have already been made. But I'm trying. If you would only open your eyes, you would see that. You know would I've put in the effort to make a conscious change. Haven't I?

Or am I only fooling myself into believing I've learned from past mistakes? In a constant struggle to be better than yesterday, you can easily lose sight of tomorrow.

I try not to focus too much on what you meant to me, or what I did to you. There's no sense getting worked up over something that happened so long ago. But when it's not as distant as one would like to hope, it's harder to see past. You can't look around the present obstacles and see the future. You have to overcome what stands in the way to move on. To let go. I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. Or at all. Because you and I know there is no letting go. There are some things in life that tear us open, expose every fibre of our scared and frightened being. Some people, too. And when you've been torn open, it's hard to stitch the wound back up. I don't have the dexterity to fully close myself back up. So there are pieces that still see the light. Have hardened, but have never healed. You are one of those pieces. All the work I do on myself, in my life and for my future is invisible when it comes to you. With you, I'm still ripped open. Still that lost little girl you once knew, who once threw stones at the glass house you were living in. Not because I wanted to, but because the idea of losing you was so hard I couldn't cope. If you thought I was being overdramatic then, what do you feel now? Now, knowing, after everything, that the wounds are still as fresh as they were that first day.
But let me tell you - it's not for a lack of trying.

I have tried to move past you. I have tried to let go. I do well, until you slip into subconscious thought and that poor stitching just falls apart. I'm barely holding myself together. I understand if that would make you uncomfortable. But it's just the way I am. I'm sorry I don't try to hide myself away where you don't have to see me. But I didn't put myself on the center stage of your life, either. You'd have to look out into the crowd to find me.

I guess you did.

I wish you'd speak your mind, even if the silence filling the air says more than words. If you took the time to find me, see me in the crowd, you must have wanted something. Right? You didn't notice me standing in a room full of people without a purpose. Subconscious, or otherwise. We only see what we want to see in this world. So ask yourself, why did you see me standing there?