Chapter 27

I never thought to ask James how he felt about cats. Since I didn’t have my own, it never came up in conversation. Gabe showed up that weekend while James and I were playing poker. I completely forgot I already agreed to watch the cats. This had been planned weeks in advance. I was just so swept up in everything that had been going on. Gabe could sense my hesitation.

“You didn’t tell him?” He asked, crossing his arms. I shrugged.

“I forgot myself.” I defended. Gabe shook his head as he pushed past me.

“Tell me what?” James asked from behind me. Gabe held the carrier up.

“I have to go out of town for a few days. She needs to watch the twins.” He instructed. James laughed.

“I have no issue with cats.” He directly spoke to me. I smiled.

“Okay.” I mymbled. Gabe busied himself setting up the litter boxes and food bowls. He didn’t trust me to do it in a timely fashion. His cats were very important to him. He was sweet talking both of them as he let them out of the carrier. One ran straight to the bedroom. The other went for the living room.

“Where is the tree?” Gabe asked, looking around. I motioned to a closet in the kitchen. He pulled out the cat tree and pushed it underneath the window.

“Okay. You should be good now.” He announced, proudly putting his hands on his hips. I laughed.

“I have done this before.” I reminded him. He nodded.

“Yes, but not since,” He paused and motioned to the cast. I rolled my eyes.

“I am still capable of doing things. Well, mostly.” I assured him, faking a smile. Gabe nodded.

“I’m sorry for dropping this on you.” He apologized directly to James. James also laughed.

“Hey, that’s what this whole month is about, right? I want to make sure I’m getting the full experience.” He put his arm around my shoulder. I smiled as I looked up at him.

“Well, you’re not getting the full experience.” Gabe groaned. We both looked over at him.

“You’re missing hours of her ignoring you while hunched over a computer and waking up alone because she’s up in the middle of the night working on something. But, other than that, I think you’re getting the full experience.” Gabe teased. I rolled my eyes.

“I remember those days.” James assured. There was a hint of nostalgia in his voice. Gabe nodded.

“Call me if you need me.” He pointed directly at me. I nodded. Gabe took one final look around before he left. I followed James back into the living room. One of the cats was sitting where I had been sitting. James gently scooped up the cat and scratched its’ chin.

“What’s its name?” He asked. I looked at the collar. I couldn’t tell their faces apart.

“The blue collar is Jay.” I introduced. James smirked.

“His name is Jay?” He asked. I nodded.

“Jay and Kay.” I added, motioning towards the bedroom. James laughed.

“Because they’re black?” He guessed. I nodded.

“Pretty much. I know, it’s not the most creative” I agreed. The cat squirmed out of his hands and ran towards the cat tree. I followed him with my eyes, then looked back at James.

“How old are they?” He continued. I had to think about it.

“We got them when we lived together, so, they’re about 14 now. Wow.” I exhaled. James nodded.

“Were the two of you in a relationship?” He questioned. My eyes went wide.

“What?” I squeaked. James shrugged.

“I’m just trying to understand the relationship dynamic.” He confessed. I shook my head.

“I don’t think I can explain it. I don’t understand it myself. Truthfully, I’ve never known what is between him and I.” I answered as honestly as I could. James smiled.

“You seem like an old married couple.” He observed. I shrugged.

“I guess, in a way, we are. I mean, neither of us date or even go out of our way to spend time with other people. We have had sex, but it’s not a regular thing. We’re both married to our routines, I think. We’re just, comfortable.” I tried reasoning. James nodded along.

“I completely understand.” He assured. I raised my eyebrow.

“How?” I questioned. He shrugged.

“I knew my second marriage was over when I realized we weren’t unhappy, but we weren’t happy either. We were together because we were comfortable. When we sat down and spoke about it, we both realized it wasn’t fair to the kids, or to each other. I’m grateful that co-parenting has been so easy for me.” He explained with a chuckle. I smiled, watching his eyes light up. They always did when he mentioned the kids. It was obvious he adored them. He spoke highly of all three. He spoke highly of his ex wives parenting skills too. Being a father was truly his pride and joy.

I started to get nervous the more I thought about the kids. I knew it was still a few weeks away, but I was the type of person to overthink even little things. This was relatively big in the grand scheme. I had never dated someone with kids. I mean, I hadn’t dated really since James. There was a fling here and there, but no real relationship. I guess if I really dissected it, I could have seen that I missed James so much I couldn’t be with anyone else. But I had him pushed out of mind. To me, I was happy being alone. I had caused enough misery for many lifetimes and the world needed to heal. Again, that was one of many mantras I had been repeating to myself over the decade. I knew my thinking was flawed, but I didn’t feel like I had the skills to correct it.

The berry farm James wanted to go to turned out to be a giant greenhouse. They grew many different berries, all out of season. We were given buckets to fill. While we were picking berries, I shared some of my insecurities with James. I don’t know why I picked the berry farm to break down, but I did. It may have been because it was the first public place we had been together. I even started crying at one point because I was worried the kids weren’t going to like me. Worse, that they were going to hate me for what I had done. James reassured me many times that the boys did not know anything, and would not really care either way. He couldn’t make those statements about his daughter though. He already told me that she knew. She was old enough to have her own, very valid, opinions. That was the part I was scared of. I think I had a bit of a panic attack at the farm. We had to leave and the drive back to the house was silent. The silence felt sympathetic though. Maybe Gabe had warned him of my random panic attacks and existential dread. Maybe he understood the feeling himself. Either way, he handled it correctly. When we got back to the house, he made hot chocolate and peanut butter cookies. He used his mothers’ recipe, I could tell. So many emotions flooded through me, but the greatest was gratitude. I really felt like the luckiest girl alive.

It wasn’t luck at all. Each part of this was carefully planned to ensnare me in this dream and convince me that I deserved any of this. Which, I did not. But who was I to look a gift horse in the mouth? This was something I had always dreamed of. I was going to appreciate it while it lasted.

A few days later, James wanted test his memory on the piano. I sat beside him on the bench and watched as he flawlessly played something I didn’t recognize. I wasn’t listening to the notes though. I was watching his fingers stroking the keys. I must have been staring, because he stopped playing.

“What’s wrong?” He asked. I shook my head.

“I was watching your fingering.” I confessed. He looked over at me and smirked.

“Hey, I’ve never had any complaints about my fingering.” He defended.

“James! Behave!” I playfully scolded. He laughed.

“I believe you wrote my fingers could make you see colors.” He added. I shook my head.

“I wrote nothing of the sort. That book was PG.” I corrected. James smirked.

“The second one wasn’t.” He corrected. I looked over and my jaw dropped.

“You read that? Why?” I squeaked and immediately covered my face with my hands.

“At the time, I thought you chose your career over me. I think I wanted to understand.” He explained.

“I don’t imagine it shed any light on the situation. I told you I was going to ruin the story, and I did.” I reminded him. He laughed, shaking his head.

“I don’t think you ruined it at all. You wrote it how I wish it had happened.” He assured. I sighed.

“I wrote it how I felt it happened.” I corrected. James nodded.

“I thought it was flattering, for what it’s worth.” He added. I slowly shook my head.

“You’re being too sweet.” I insisted. James put his hand on my lower back.

“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.” He argued. I laughed.

“That’s something you should already know about me.” I teased. He nodded.

“I do. It’s just a shame you’re depriving the world of your wisdom.” He mused. I cackled.

“Wisdom? I don’t think so. My books are a waste of time.” I insisted. He shook his head.

“I thought the third one was brilliant.” He commented under his breath. I raised my eyebrow.

“You read all three?” I was in complete disbelief. James nodded slowly.

“You’re right, I got no insight from the second book. But, that third one…” He paused.

“I didn’t know how much you were going through, internally.” He exhaled. I nodded.

“I was never trying to get sympathy. I just felt I owed some sort of explanation after everything I put you through.” I explained. James half-smiled.

“So it was about me?” He asked softly. I nodded again.

“Isn’t everything?” I asked myself out loud. He smiled.

“What makes me so special?” He leaned forward. I shook my head, putting my hand on his cheek.

“I don’t know, but you are.” I smiled. He kissed me softly. I gently pushed him away.

“You’re supposed to be practicing.” I reminded him. He laughed as he rolled his eyes.

“Okay teacher.” He obeyed, putting his hands back on the piano. I watched him play through a few more songs. He only messed up one of them. Whether he actively practiced or not, he maintained his skill. I wondered if he would still remember how to play the drums if he sat down in front of a drum kit. I know I swooned over him playing in high school. I still would. I’ve always had a thing for a guy with passion. Of course, James was still as passionate, his passions had just changed.

It got me thinking about my own passions, or lack thereof. I didn’t really feel passionate about anything anymore. I used to have many hobbies that I was passionate about. Over time, it felt like my ability to be passionate about anything had completely faded. I thought maybe it happened with age. I didn’t know if it was even possible in reality. It seemed more likely that nothing inspired passion in me. But I was willing to blame anything other than being unhappy. I really couldn’t accept the fact that reality wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I was still carrying around guilt for the mistakes I made decades ago. I couldn’t be happy because I wouldn’t let myself. I really didn’t believe I deserved to be happy. I didn’t know if that was going to get better with time. I hoped it would. I wanted to believe in this fantasy more than I wanted anything. I knew I was emotionally invested, but I wanted to invest more. I wanted to invest everything. My heart, soul, mind, body. Whatever. I wanted to give all of myself to this relationship. I just didn’t feel like I had a lot to offer.

Any other time, I’d write to try and find my own answers. But since God was angry with me, I figured I had to find a new way to express myself. After dropping James at the airport, I made Gabe drive me to an art supply store. I bought a bunch of painting supplies, went home, and made a mess. When James got back at the end of the weekend, there were canvases sitting on every surface. Most of them were already dry, I just hadn’t done anything with them. None of them were great. They were more about colors and shapes. It was abstract, but it was something I could do to express what was on my mind. It was mostly hearts, wings, and spirals in a mix of pinks and reds. I looked it up. That’s pretty normal when you’re in love.