Chapter 23

When James showed up, him and Gabe made small talk for a few minutes. It was all guy-stuff, like sports and stocks. I never paid attention to that kind of stuff. In his car, James told me what he had planned for the day. There was a local poetry group that got together to discuss ideas. He said he went once a month and it happened to be today. Then he wanted to get a light lunch and go for a walk around the pier. It sounded like a great way to spend the day with an old friend.

Although I tried to see this as a casual thing, there was no doubt in my mind that he was dressed to impress. He was wearing ironed black dress pants. He had on an off-white button down with light brown stripes. The first few buttons were left undone, drawing attention to the tuft of chest hair trying to fight his mother’s cross for attention. It was sweet that he still wore her cross. I admired people who could maintain their faith through their hardships. I know, that’s the point of having faith is to maintain it when no reason is given. To believe without any expectations. I guess mine wasn’t strong enough. At least now I know what God wanted from me. It turned out to be the same thing everyone else wanted. Myself included. I wonder what Gabe told James about my writing. It seemed odd that James would suggest a poetry group. Then again, I always knew him to be into creative writing. It was good to know he continued working on his poetry over the years.

I really should have asked Gabe what him and James spoke about. I mean, he had to have mentioned the accident. Other than that, I don’t really know what James knew about me. I knew absolutely nothing about him outside of what he had told me the day before. Maybe James knew nothing about me either, and I was just being paranoid. Gabe often said I was paranoid. But if my life had taught me anything it’s to never let your guard down. Change comes around when you least expect it. Everything can be taken away from you. Even you can be taken away from yourself on a long enough time line. At least, that’s how it worked for me.

“I was hoping we could get to know each other. I mean, it’s been 15 years. You’re not the same person. I’m not the same person. I think we should start today.” James announced. I looked over at him. It sounded exactly like something Gabe would say. I almost told him to shut up as an automatic response. Instead, I uttered something even dumber.

“So, are we just forgetting that you kissed me?” I asked under my breath. He smiled, almost with pride.

“I just had to know.” He hummed. I raised my eyebrow again.

“Had to know what?” I asked softly. James briefly looked over and smiled.

“I had to know if the feelings were still there.” He answered. My jaw dropped. I wasn’t expecting such a forward answer. But I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t skip a beat at those words. Actually, my whole system seemed to be going through some sort of shock. Nerves were waking up that had been asleep for years. Was he actually implying that he still had feelings for me after 15 years? How would he even know that? Had he thought of me recently enough to consider it? Was this all because Gabe showed up on his doorstep and asked him to do this? James put his hand on my shoulder.

“Breathe.” He instructed softly. I looked over at him and smirked.

“So, Gabe obviously told you a few things about me.” I huffed. He shook his head.

“He didn’t tell me anything about you. He told me how to respond to you and what to look for.” He corrected. I rolled my eyes. Back in the day, when Drew was my manager, it was his job. He had to warn people about me, go around behind me and apologize and generally just explain my eccentricities. Now, Gabe seemed to be doing it for free. Maybe I should have been paying him this whole time, instead of just watching his cats whenever he goes away. I owed him something really special for the effort he put into making all of this happen. Of course, I had my suspicions. Gabe generally had his own intentions in mind. I just figured it had to do with my writing. I knew eventually he was going to try to convince me I couldn’t quit. He was not going to let it go.

“I’m sorry.” I felt the need to apologize. James looked over.

“For what?” He questioned. I shrugged.

“I just always feel like I have to apologize to everyone. I guess for being me.” I mumbled. He smiled.

“Well, you don’t have to apologize to me.” He assured. I nodded.

“Okay.” I answered quietly. It wasn’t long before he pulled into the parking lot of a brown brick building. I saw the word “library” as we drove past. Of course he went to a poetry meeting at the library. Adorable. In another life, as another person, I would have loved something like this. We walked through the library towards an area at the back. There were chairs sitting around in a semi-circle pattern. There was a podium in the middle. A few people were already waving as we approached. Naturally, his colleagues greeting him, welcoming him to the monthly meeting. I would have felt right at home if everyone had ignored my presence, but, James made sure that didn’t happen. He introduced me as an old friend of his, but there was something in the way he said it. I saw one of the girls in the group give him a knowing look as she nodded. Maybe I would have felt more awkward if I had the social skills. Instead, I just said hello to whoever I was introduced to. I clapped after each person read their blurb. When it was James’s turn to stand up, I wanted to look more casual than I did. But when he stood up at that podium, regardless of how small, he commanded everyone’s attention. It was his posture. He stood with his shoulders straight, his back curved up. He spoke with confidence in that deep bass voice of his. He was sharing something he wrote about his daughter, about how sometimes he felt like he had failed her by letting everything fall apart. But that every time she smiled at him, he knew he couldn’t have made better decisions. Basically, he praised his bundles of joy. I was happy I didn’t pass on my genetics, but, I was a little disappointed I’d never know what it felt like to be a mother. At my age, with my prospects, I wasn’t likely to date again either. I was pretty much married to the idea of dying alone in my beach house surrounded by cats. Eventually. I didn’t even have cats of my own because I was afraid I couldn’t do the bare minimum for them. I mean, I couldn’t properly take care of myself, and it wasn’t just because of the broken arm. I stopped caring about myself a long time ago. So long ago, that I wouldn’t be able to retrace my steps and figured out where it all went wrong. But as I watched James sit back down and offer me that friendly smile, I think I had a hunch.

For lunch, we went to a quiet salad bar. It was the first time I had been around that much fresh food in months. I got the impression James really cared about all aspects of his health. He was actively improving his mental health with groups. He went for regular walks. He ate healthy. He took really good care of himself. Of course, he also had three kids to keep up with. The three of their opinions held more weight in James’s life than his own. Family had always been important to him. I wasn’t surprised that didn’t change as he grew his own. Half way through the meal, James started to shed some light on his conversation with Gabe. He obviously reached out after the accident.

“He didn’t really tell me what was going on, he just said that you had been having issues, and he thought you needed closure.” James went on to explain. I nodded. Having some issues? That was putting it lightly. But, that was Gabe’s style.

“So Gabe basically showed up on your doorstep and begged you to see me? That’s so lame.” I asked, starting to laugh. James quickly shook his head.

“He didn’t need to ask.” He corrected. I raised my eyebrow.

“I tried looking you up, but I never had any luck. I wanted to see you, Morgan.” He clarified. I didn’t really know what to say, so I just awkwardly stared at him with my mouth slightly open. He laughed.

“Is that hard to believe?” He asked. I nodded.

“Yeah. I ruined your life. Twice.” I groaned. He shook his head.

“Maybe. But maybe I need closure too.” He suggested. I shrugged.

“Okay. Fair. But, how would that even work? Logistically?” I questioned. He laughed.

“Gabe suggested we try spending a month in each others’ lives. Basically, to see if we’re compatible. He suggested we start with your life, because it’s simpler.” He explained.

“Simpler? That’s a nice way of saying I live a shallow and empty existence.” I laughed.

“Hey, I didn’t say that!” He argued. I shook my head.

“No, I did.” I agreed.

“You don’t have many external influences though. We can actually get to know each other this time. No one else whispering in our ears, no one reading and making judgments about our relationship. Just, you and me.” James mused. I laughed.

“That’s fucking terrifying.” I confessed. He nodded.

“We can call it quits at any point.” He assured. I nodded.

“I mean, it makes sense. There’s no better way to get to know each other than to spend a month in a beach house unaffected by time and space.” I joked. James smiled.

“I’ll have to come back on weekends.” He corrected. I nodded.

“Yes, I imagine being a dad still has to come before getting closure.” I agreed. He was quiet.

“Do you think that is going to be a problem?” He asked softly. I raised my eyebrow.

“The kids?” I questioned. He nodded.

“Yeah. I know you don’t have much experience.” He noted. I shrugged. I really had no experience with children. My siblings never had kids. I didn’t know the siblings I had that did have children. There were really no children around me growing up. That became a theme in my life.

“Don’t send me in blind or anything. Give me something to work with. Favorite dinosaurs, sports, song, something.” I rambled. James laughed, nodding his head.

“You’ll be fine.”

After lunch, we took a walk around the boardwalk. The leaves were changing colors and falling from the trees. They crunched underneath our feet. The smell of autumn was in the air. It was beautiful. There weren’t many trees in my area, but I did miss the autumn vibe. It was permanently summer around my place. As we walked around, he told me about his second wife and a few of the girls he had dated. He wanted me aware that his kids had met women other than their mother and it wasn’t going to be new to them. That was a little reassuring. But I had to ask,

“Does Hayley know? I mean, who I am?” James gave me a sympathetic smile.

“Yes. She knows who you are to me.” He confirmed. I nodded.

“Great.” I muttered. He shook his head.

“She doesn’t know the details. But she knows that you’re part of the reason I’m no longer with her mother. But you’re not the only reason, and she’s aware of that.” He tried explaining. I faked a smile.

“That’s nice of you to say.” I mumbled. He laughed.

“It’s true. I wasn’t happy with Amanda. I mean, I thought I was. But I realized throughout the divorce that I had been trying to convince myself. It wasn’t her though. I was unhappy with myself, and I just couldn’t see it at the time.” He continued. I nodded.

“That’s usually what happens.” I agreed. We were both quiet for a few minutes.

“I think about that day, more than I’d like to admit.” He broke the silence. I nodded.

“Me too.” I mumbled.

“I never got to apologize.” He sighed. I shook my head.

“You didn’t need to. I’m the one who owed you an apology.” I argued. He raised his eyebrow.

“How do you figure?” He scoffed.

“I made a lot of bad decisions James. Worse, I knew I was making them. I saw how it would all unfold, and still, I pushed you into a really uncomfortable situation. If I could do it over, I would have been gone when you got home. Fuck, I never would have said hello. I could have saved you from so much bullshit. Mainly, me.” I insisted. He nodded slowly.

“I wouldn’t take back a second. You know that right?” He asserted. I nodded.

“You are one of my most cherished memories. I just wish it didn’t have to be so painful.” I agreed.

“Maybe it doesn’t have to be this time.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his arms. He slowly leaned down and kissed me. Like a drug, he sent my entire system into overload. My heart was overwhelmed and racing. My mind couldn’t focus on a single thought. The only thing in the world was him, his lips… Just like that, I was hooked all over again.