Chapter 18

“Dude, there’s a guy behind the shed.” I pointed to the screen. James nodded, looking down his sight. He fired and got a head shot on the guy. He kept on the path and killed three more members of the other team. He was good, so I didn’t mind him playing on my account. He was really improving my kill-death ratio overall. I was excited to use the new weapons he unlocked too. This had become the daily routine. It had been two weeks since James showed up and Nicole left. I spent the day watching James play on the Xbox. When he went to bed, I would try to write. Most of the time I was just staring at a blank white page and mumbling nonsense to myself. I honestly felt like I had writers’ block since the last project I was working on came to an abrupt halt. I thought about all of this as I stared at the flashing colors on the screen. My attention was demanded away as the front door to the house opened. I looked over the back of the couch to see Nicole coming in. She took one step and froze, looking around. I followed her eyes as she looked around the house. It had probably been a few days since I bothered cleaning. Everything got messy again right away. I didn’t really see the point.

“Hey.” I greeted, offering a small wave. She suddenly shook her head.

“I came by a few days ago. You weren’t here.” She observed. I shrugged.

“We were probably out.” I dismissed.

“Where? It doesn’t look like you’ve left the house in weeks.” She argued. I looked around.

“It’s not that bad.” I tried dismissing.

“Not that bad? Look at this place! It’s a disaster!” She screeched loudly.

“It’s just been a rough week.” I reasoned. Nicole had a look of disgust on her face as she swatted a fly.

“Kitchen, now.” She demanded, stomping through the garbage on the floor. There were a few take-out containers laying around. I had no idea when or where those were from. I followed her into the kitchen. She opened the fridge before making another disgusted face. She put her hand on my shoulder.

“I knew you weren’t going to take care of yourself, but I expected you to take care of my house.” Her voice trembled as she put her hand on the top of the island. I crossed my arms like a toddler in trouble.

“I’m sorry.” I half-apologized. She rolled her eyes.

“Doesn’t he have a job?” She motioned towards the living room. I shrugged.

“He’s using his vacation days. I think.” I mused. Nicole shook her head.

“You think? You don’t have any control of the situation, do you?” She crossed her arms. I sighed.

“I’ll clean up tomorrow.” I assured her. She shook her head.

“Charlie, this is going to take a professional cleaning service. I may even need to get the house fumigated!” She shouted. I rolled my eyes again.

“You’re being a bit dramatic.” I accused. She shook her head.

“If you think I’m overreacting, you don’t see the real issue here!” She yelled. I took a step back so her voice wasn’t so deafening in my ear. I looked around again at the garbage piling up all over the house. When my eyes finally found hers, I could see flames shooting out.

“I want the two of you out of my house by Monday.” She spoke loud and clear so there was no way I could say I didn’t understand her instructions. My jaw dropped.

“You’re kicking me out?” My voice cracked. Nicole motioned around.

“You kicked yourself out.” She corrected. I didn’t really know what to say. I stood in stunned silence as Nicole packed up another bag and stormed out. I bit my lip and looked at James.

“Fuck.” I muttered. I went and sat back on the couch beside him. He turned the game system off.

“I’m sorry Charlie. I didn’t want to ruin your life too.” He apologized. I shrugged.

“Like you said, we’re both to blame.” I exhaled. He nodded quietly.

“What are we going to do?” He asked under his breath. I should have been more worried about the uncertain future we were facing. Instead, I found myself caught up in the word “we”. That word meant so much to me, and I know he didn’t even do it intentionally. But it meant he was thinking about it.

“I guess I have to make arrangements?” I questioned, mostly just to say it out loud. I looked around the house and bit my lip. I had really grown to love Nicole’s house. It was private, but still close to town. It was modern and chic while providing a cozy charm. I wasn’t going to miss the floor to ceiling windows that covered every wall, but, I was going to miss the rest.

I spent the next two days calling every apartment in the area and going to view them. There was one apartment close to his work, but it was in a bad building. The hallway carpet had a musty smell. There were cracks all over the walls. I swore I even saw something scurry across the hallway at some point. We couldn’t get out of there fast enough. There was one we both liked, but it was a bit out of our price range. Finally, we found a place that was roomy, clean, and affordable. I gave the landlord two post-dated checks and he handed us the keys.

I did my best to clean the house. There were six bags of garbage when I left. I told Nicole to send me a copy of the invoice from the cleaning company too. I wasn’t going to make her fix my mistakes. I hoped we’d still be able to hang out once the dust settled a bit. To me, it was the same as any other fight we had. It was usually a sign we needed space from each other. When you’re around someone too often, you can get irritated more easily by that person. I knew she’d never welcome me back into her home, but I thought I’d still be a part of her life. Maybe if things had played out a little differently, that would have been true. I had already chosen a different path. I just didn’t know it yet.

I texted Nicole our address, mostly so she could forward my mail. She never responded to the message.

The first week living with James felt surreal. We had to buy a bunch of furniture for the apartment, including a bed. He liked a firm mattress, where I preferred the softer ones. I wanted to feel like I was sleeping on a cloud. He just wanted a bed to sleep in after work. We bought a TV and a small love seat for the living room. We had to buy dishes. We needed a coffee pot. There were so many little things that it was all a blur. I wish there was a master list somewhere of everything you need to buy when you move into a new apartment because I could have used that. Instead, we had to guess. We bought stuff we didn’t need. We forgot a bunch of stuff we needed. It was off to a rocky start.

But I was happy to be taking this chance, as scary as it was. I had always thought about James in a domestic way in my head. I never imagined I’d get the chance to make it a reality. Looking back, we never discussed being back in a relationship. I think that should have been an indication that something was wrong, but I missed the signal at the time. After moving in together, we started having sex. We cooked and ate meals together. We watched TV and played video games together. We were, in every way, a domestic couple in my mind. I didn’t need a title. I didn’t think it mattered. The situation was delicate enough, as neither of us were ready to move in together. Everything just happened so fast. I didn’t want to push him. I wanted him to take the space he needed.

By week 3, I noticed James had started drinking. It wasn’t in moderation either. He was going through a few bottles of whiskey each week. I tried talking to him about it, but any time I mentioned his drinking he said he had it under control. Then he missed a shift. Then another. His boss called him and told him the next one would cost him his job. This job he had been at for over 5 years. He said he hated it anyway, didn’t care if he got fired. To be fair, his coworkers had now heard of his living situation. Work had become a constant source of anxiety for him, and it was only getting worse. Of course, the alcohol certainly wasn’t helping his anxiety. I didn’t know that at the time. At the time, what I knew was my man was in pain and I was doing the best I could to be supportive of him. It was the least I could do after completely ruining his life. Again.

I was in denial at the time, but after two months of living together, I knew we were a sinking ship. We were always together, but he was never actually there. He was always lost in his own thoughts or in an alcohol-induced haze of everything is fine. He would go from indifferent to angry in a flash. None of it was easy to keep up with. He had lost all his passion, even in the bedroom. Our sex life felt forced. Neither of us really wanted to participate, we were just doing it because we were supposed to. I never thought we could reach that point, but it had happened right before my very eyes. Looking back, I really should have got him help. But I thought I was doing what was best for him.

James came home from work one night and handed me an envelope before going to take a shower. It was from Drew’s office. I ripped it open and unfolded the letter. He was writing to tell me that the publisher approved of the partial manuscript and I had a green light to finish the project. The project? I had absolutely no idea what I had sent for review. The last few months had been such a blur that I completely blanked. I pulled out my laptop and navigated to my writing folder. I started scrolling through the never-ending list of projects. I sorted them by date and looked for whichever projects had been started about six month ago… Oh. FUCK.

I think my brain short-circuited for a few minutes. It felt like I just blinked, but the screensaver had already come on and James was coming out of the bedroom.

“What are you doing babe?” He asked casually strolling past. He made his usual half-glass of whiskey before bed drink and started walking towards the living room.

“I did something I shouldn’t have.” I confessed. He stopped, turning to face me.

“It’s bad, James. Really bad.” I added. He nodded, slowly moving to sit beside me. He put his glass on the table and his hand on my lower back.

“Charlie, what did you do?” He actually sounded concerned. I took a deep breath.

“I wrote about the affair.” I sighed. He nodded.

“Okay, that’s not,” I cut him off.

“It’s getting published James.” I covered my face with my hands, but I heard him pick up his glass. After a few seconds, I heard the glass hit the wall and shatter.

“Fuck!” He shouted. I jumped instinctively.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” He slammed his hands down on the table.

“I wasn’t. Okay? I was hurt you wouldn’t leave your wife. I was angry the affair was over. I was angry I wasn’t your wife. I made a stupid decision, and I’m sorry.” I explained, finally looking at him.

“No you’re not. If you were capable of feeling remorse, you would have learned last time. Do you have any idea how many people you’re going to hurt by publishing that garbage?” He barked.

“Garbage? James, that was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.” I tried reasoning. He covered his face with his hands. I watched as his breathing got more shaky. I knew it was coming. I braced myself as he grabbed my laptop and threw it against the wall.

“How can you be so fucking selfish?” He was so angry there were tears streaming down his face. There were tears streaming down mine too, but I think it was fear. I figured I was the next thing to go into the wall. I sat quietly as he made, and finished, another drink. I took a deep breath.

“I’m contractually obligated to finish this book. All I can do now, is make it more flattering and minimize the damage.” I tried to explain. He shook his head.

“This is my life and I’m sick of you using it to further your fucking career.” He barked. I looked at my laptop in pieces on the floor, then back at James.

“It’s also my life. I have the right to write about what happens in my life.” I reminded him.

“That doesn’t mean you should, for fuck sake.” He stood up and headed for the front door.

“Where are you going?” I called. He paused at the door.

“I can’t be around you right now.” He warned. I didn’t bother trying to stop him.

I got on the phone with Drew as soon as James left the apartment. He confirmed that the affair was the project the publisher was excited about. I told him I didn’t want to write it, that things had changed. I explained that I had moved in with James, that he was in the process of a divorce. I thought the book would be in poor taste and poor timing. I apologized for ever sending him the partial manuscript because the whole story should have stayed in my head. That was when I met a side of Drew I didn’t know existed. I won’t repeat everything he said to me because a good deal of it was incriminating. It was along the lines of “if you screw me over, I’ll ruin you”. He said after everything he had done to make me a success, he wouldn’t let it be in vain.

I had to tell him James smashed my laptop. Drew always kept a back-up of my writing. Partially because he was my manager and partially because I was prone to “episodes” of erasing everything. As my manager, he didn’t want to risk losing years of progress. He assured me he’d get a new laptop prepared and drop it off in the next few days. Then he asked me if I thought I was safe. I think I knew I wasn’t, but I lied and said “everything is fine”.

James didn’t come home for 3 days. When he came in the door, I could tell something was off. He was jittery and looking around at everything like it was the first time he had seen it. I didn’t know if I should approach him or let him approach me, so I stayed at the kitchen table. He walked past me and straight into the bathroom. After 20 minutes, he came back out and started pacing around the kitchen. I could see that his eyes were bloodshot. He looked like he had been wide awake for the past three days.

“Where have you been?” I asked softly, trying to gauge his mood. He ran one of his hands through his hair as he continued pacing.

“I, uh, needed to clear my head.” He mumbled. I nodded.

“And?” I poked more. James looked over at me and shook his head.

“I can’t do this anymore.” He blurted. I raised my eyebrow.

“You can’t do what?” I questioned. He looked at me, then punched the wall.

“This. Fuck. Charlie.” He grunted. I took a deep breath.

“Okay.” I spoke softly. James continued pacing.

“I thought I had cleared my head, and then, but I see you, and it all comes back in this fucking wave of rage. I just want it to be over!” He screamed. In a flash, he had me pinned against the wall. His eyes rolled into the back of his head as he pressed his thumbs against my throat. I stared at him wide-eyed. Confused. Afraid. Betrayed. Angry. Hurt. I could see all of it reflecting back in his eyes as he took a step back. I put my hands around my throat and gasped for air. James was frozen in place. He didn’t even flinch when the door opened unexpectedly from behind him. Drew stumbled into the apartment and looked around frantically. I gave him a dismissive wave, but he knew.

“Charlie, get your shit.” He commanded. I sheepishly went into the bedroom and grabbed the most important things to me. James was still in the kitchen as I followed Drew out of the apartment. He ushered me into his SUV and we drove in complete silence to his house. I’d later ask how he knew, and he told me he had been outside the house for three days.

The next few months became a blur. I had to live with Drew and his wife until I finished the book. I did what I said I would. I changed the characters completely. I changed the locations. I changed every element of the story that I could. It was no longer my story. It was just random words put together with no real meaning. The only element of truth I left were my feelings for James. I wrote him exactly as I saw him. He was my own Prince Charming. He could do no wrong in my eyes. Everything else was a fictionalized rendition of a life that never really had a chance to exist.

I never even got to say goodbye.