Chapter 21

“Hey stranger.” James’s deep voice greeted from the door way. I was frozen in place, blinking rapidly. I couldn’t comprehend what my eyes were seeing. James stepped out and pulled me into an awkward hug, avoiding contact with the broken arm.

“It’s been a long time.” He commented softly. I nodded.

“Yeah.” Was all I managed to say. James stepped back and we briefly made eye contact. I quickly looked anywhere but his face. He laughed.

“I’m guessing you weren’t told.” He questioned. I shook my head, but didn’t say anything. He nodded.

“Well, for the sake of your anxiety, this isn’t random to me. I was expecting you.” He clarified. I raised my eyebrow. He was expecting me? What the Hell does that even mean? How could he expect me to show up on his doorstep after 15 years? Especially when I never would have expected it for myself. He motioned for me to follow him inside. Although my mind was racing, my feet knew what to do. He lead me down the hall, which was filled with pictures of him and his kids. He had three now, according to the photos. Two boys and a girl. I found myself staring just a bit too long at one particular family portrait. The boys looked exactly like their father. It was uncanny. James tapped my shoulder, drawing my attention back to reality. It was just as uncanny to look from the pictures of his kids to his fully matured face. I forced a smile and dragging my feet along behind him. We walked into the kitchen and he sat down at the island. The kitchen had a few of those wooden accents like a giant spoon and fork. There were also a few kitchen-related sayings on wooden boards decorating open spaces. It was cluttered, but in a well-lived in way.

“Was that your husband?” He asked casually. My eyes went wide and I shook my head aggressively.

“Absolutely not.” I argued. Maybe I was a bit more defensive than I needed to be.

“No spouse. No kids. Unlike you.” I mused, motioning at the walls. James nodded.

“The boys are with my second wife, Marie.” He added. I nodded.

“They look so much like you.” I noted.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” He smiled. I nodded.

“Well, you’re not bad looking.” I awkwardly commented. James laughed and motioned for me to sit down beside him. I slowly climbed up onto one of the stools.

“So, what have you been up to for the last decade?” He asked casually. I laughed, shaking my head.

“How does one summarize living a decade in isolation?” I questioned. James shrugged.

“Just like that.” He smiled again. I smiled back, still drawn to that infectious smile of his.

“What about you? Are you still a mechanic?” I tried asking casually. Somehow, everything felt casual even though it was the total opposite. He nodded.

“I work on planes now.” He bragged. I nodded.

“That’s cool. It must be intimidating.” I guessed. He shrugged.

“At first, sure. But you get used to it, like anything else.” He mused. I nodded along. I wasn’t the type of person to force myself into uncomfortable situations. I had been through enough. Now, when discomfort reared its’ ugly head, I put mine in the sand like an ostrich. It wasn’t the best coping mechanism, but it had worked for me for ten years.

“What are their names?” I asked, motioning to the portraits. James smiled.

“Hayley is my daughter’s name. The boys are Billy and Ted.” He answered. I smirked.

“Like the movie?” I questioned. He nodded proudly.

“They don’t mind.” He added. I shrugged. I guess those were normal names. It’s better to name your kid after something you love than something random or something unique.

“Names should always have meaning.” I finished my thought out loud. James nodded.

“Speaking of names, I was told you changed yours.” He commented. I nodded.

“I go by Morgan now.” I answered loosely. He nodded.

“Like Queen Morgana, Merlin’s sister?” He asked. I nodded.

“Exactly.” I answered. He smiled and nodded his head.

“That’s a nice name. I think it suits you.” He complimented. I looked down at the marble counter, trying my hardest to avoid making eye contact with him. My head was still racing. I had no idea what I was supposed to do in the situation I found myself in. The only real comfort to me was that I don’t think anyone else would know what to do in this situation either. This time, it’s not just because I don’t have the proper social skills to interact with people in civilized society. This was something above and beyond comprehension to me. Sitting here, making small talk with someone I haven’t seen in 15 years, like it’s no big deal. How? And more importantly, why? That wasn’t really a question for James though. It was a question for Gabe. How could he have thought this was a good idea? Sure, the conversation was flowing like we were two old friends catching up. But taking me in public is never a good idea. I was a house cat now. I couldn’t survive on the outside world. These thoughts all raced around in my head while we spoke about the collapse of his second marriage.

“I’ve learned that I kinda fall in love easily.” He chuckled at himself. I nodded.

“I’ve always had that problem. People always thought I was crazy, but, no, I’m just passionate. Or, I was. Once upon a time.” I reasoned. James nodded, smiling as he did.

“You drove all this way to see me.” He observed. I shrugged.

“Yeah, but I had no idea.” I defended. James quietly nodded.

“Would you have come if you knew?” He asked. I went to answer, but my mouth just hung open.

“Uh, that’s complicated.” I paused, then shook my head.

“No.” I confessed. James nodded.

“I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable seeing me.” He apologized. I shook my head again.

“It’s not that. I’ve just, never let myself think about this.” I corrected. He nodded.

“You mean, seeing me?” He asked. I shook my head.

“You. Just, you.” I mumbled. He was quiet.

“I know I hurt you, but,” He started. I was quiet.

“We’re adults now. And, I want to get to know you again. Not who you are in memories. Not who you are in fantasies. I want to know you. Who you are now, who you’ve grown into.” He finished. I raised my eyebrow as I looked over at him. There was a warm smile on his face.

“I apologize for my skepticism, but no one wants to know me. Even I don’t want to know me. Everyone thinks they do, until they actually do. Then they run. Eventually, everyone leaves because I don’t have anything to offer another human being.” I rambled. James watched me carefully.

“Are you sure you’re not afraid?” He asked cautiously. I looked over at him.

“Afraid?” I was almost offended. James nodded.

“I mean, maybe you’re afraid to let anyone get close enough to see the real you because you think they’ll leave when they do. Maybe, somewhere out there is someone crazy enough to not only want to know you, but want to be with you too. I’m speaking generally.” He explained.

“It would explain the years of isolation.” I shrugged. James laughed.

“I went through a few years of that after Maria divorced me.” He confessed. I nodded.

“It must have been hard to go through that twice.” I offered. He nodded.

“It was easy with Amanda. There was a clear line of where everything went wrong. With Maria, it just stopped being a relationship and we drifted apart. I don’t think either of us blame the other. We just, didn’t work. I’m happy I got my boys though.” He explained. I nodded. I liked hearing him talk about his family. It was weird, because I had always wanted to talk about kids with him. Our kids. The ones we would be raising together. Living in a nice house, stable jobs, and a family. In another life, that would have been my own paradise. In this one, it felt like being on a TV show, surrounded by things I want and could never have in reality. At least I was used to that by now. I had developed less and less expectations about how I should be living my life. I was just getting really sick of all the negativity in my head. So I decided I would be openly crazy. I had Gabe. He was even crazier than me. We pushed each other to be better people. We called each other out when our responsibility was lacking. Of course, I don’t know if Gabe ever chose to be around me. It was a series of circumstances out of either of our control that brought him and his cats to my doorstep. I just accepted it when it happened. So what was so hard to accept about this? Why was my mind doing anything other than asking why am I here? There was a knock on the front door that drew my attention to the end of the hall. James came back.

“Gabe’s here.” He announced. I couldn’t believe it had already been an hour. Since I got here, time had not worked in any way I knew it to. It was confusing and disorienting. I stood and plastered on a fake smile as I followed James to the front door. He had his hand on the handle, but didn’t open the door. Instead, he leaned in and kissed me. It was anything but casual. His lips ignored the boundaries of my own and his tongue took my mouth prisoner. When he pulled back, my jaw was still hanging open. He had a smile on his face. He nodded to himself. I was down the stairs before James hollered at me.

“I meant what I said.” I half waved and climbed into the back seat of the SUV. I laid across the back and curled up in a ball. Gabe looked over his shoulder at me.

“How was your visit?” He asked casually. I shook my head.

“This is a weird fucking dream.” I groaned, throwing my left arm over my head to cover my eyes. I just needed out of the situation. My head had started spinning and no matter what I was thinking, it would spiral into a million other thoughts. It was out of control. It was exhausting. I don’t know if I could have been ready to see James again, but I certainly wasn’t this time. 15 years I kept his name out of my head. 15 years I pretended he didn’t exist. 15 years, the only way it stopped hurting was to stop thinking about it. I never wanted everything to fall apart. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to see him through his tough times. I wanted his advice through mine. I wanted to be integral to each other without being detrimental. Like a healthy relationship. That’s what I wanted. At the time. Being alone with myself for so long, I had started to realize I was the reason none of my relationships were healthy. I didn’t care about myself enough to offer anyone else anything. I don’t know why I said that to James, but it just came out. I groaned out loud as I thought about all the stupid things I said or didn’t say. I thought about him sitting on his couch, thinking about the person he knew. Happy he never had to see what became of me. It’s not like I could lie and say I was doing great.

We drove back to the hotel in silence. Gabe left the car unlocked and me in the backseat. After 10 minutes, I finally pulled myself up and headed into the hotel room. I immediately dropped down on the bed facing away from Gabe. He asked if I was mad at him, but I really didn’t know how to feel about anything. I knew if he had warned me, I’d never come. I would never have agreed to this. He knew me well enough to know that. This whole trip was planned behind my back. Now he wants me to trust he’s doing it in my best interest? How is any of this in my best interest? Seriously.

I spent 15 years consciously pushing this guy out of my head. Day after day. Night after night. Eventually, the only thing that started to help was drugs. I had a bad period when I first moved to the beach house. I still knew a bunch of celebrities. I hit up a few people, got supplies, then moved to start my life of isolation. It turned out that ignoring reality entirely was a great way to get over someone. Now, here I was, faced with him again. And I knew, deep down, this was not going to help.