Chapter 22

When Gabe ordered dinner, I finally got out of bed. He ordered real food, so I figured I had to put my best foot forward. I went and sat at the table beside him. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around myself. I watched him unpacking the food like this was just another day for him. Like nothing completely bizarre and otherworldly just happened. For him, I guess it was just another day. That kinda pissed me off. The longer he went without saying anything, the worse it got.

“I don’t understand.” I finally spat out. Gabe looked across the table at me, then he smiled.

“I’ll explain. Just be patient.” He insisted. I shook my head.

“I’ve been patient. Now I’m angry.” I corrected. He shrugged.

“What do you want to know?” He asked calmly. I threw my hands in the air.

“Everything!” I screeched. Gabe laughed again. He never took me seriously.

“I don’t know everything.” He dismissed. I rolled my eyes.

“Tell me what you know then.” I instructed. Gabe put his finger on his lip, then shook his head.

“It’s not time.” He dismissed. I dropped my head back and groaned.

“Gabe.” I dragged his name into the groan. He nodded.

“Let me ask you a question.” He started. I rolled my head over to look at him.

“What?” I barked. Gabe was quiet for a second.

“Can you honestly tell me, after seeing him, there’s nothing there?” He asked. I went to reply, but no words came out of my mouth. I shook my head.

“You didn’t need to drag me all the way here. I knew.” I dismissed. He nodded.

“But you don’t know the depth of what it’s doing to you.” He corrected. I laughed.

“Neither do you Mr. University drop-out.” I scolded. Gabe just shrugged.

“I thought it would be helpful to finally face your feelings about this.” He continued. I shook my head.

“We could have gone to counseling.” I suggested. Gabe shook his head.

“You’d never agree.” He quickly dismissed. I shook my head.

“I’d never agree to this either.” I groaned. Gabe picked up his phone and smirked. He put it back on the table facing down. I went to reach for his phone, but he took it away.

“What was that?” I barked. Gabe shook his head.

“It doesn’t matter. You’d never agree to it anyway.” He dismissed. As soon as he had finished unpacking the food, he started eating. There was no hesitation. I watched him eat, taking a deep breath.

“Gabe, what was the message?” I asked again. He shrugged.

“He wants to see you again.” He answered casually. My jaw dropped.

“What?” I screeched. Gabe shrugged.

“It’s up to you. If you’re fine never having closure and suffering from nightmares for the rest of your life, we’ll leave tomorrow. But if you’re willing to trust me, I think this could be exactly what you need to finally let go.” He explained. I didn’t really know what to say.

“So, what exactly do you want from me?” I questioned. Gabe shrugged.

“We have a few things planned for tomorrow. Well, he does. I’m not going with you guys. I’m going to that informal client’s house and hoping for the best.” He joked. I rolled my eyes.

“When exactly did you two start talking?” I asked, crossing my arms. Gabe sighed.

“You told me you only have one regret. I always thought maybe there was a secret child or something out there. But, when I said his name, your reaction told me everything I needed to know.” He started.

“And?” I nodded.

“So I figured out who he was and made arrangements to visit him. I wanted to see if he would be open to seeing you before I said anything to you. I knew what your reaction was going to be, that wasn’t a variable.” He continued. I shook my head as he spoke.

“I can’t believe you went behind my back like this. It’s almost impressive that you had to dig into private details of my life that I had never shared with you. And for a reason, by the way. All to drag me out of my safe space and physically force me to confront my past like it wouldn’t bring up all those feelings I had been trying to push down. The good, the bad, and the really bad. There’s a reason I never spoke about him, Gabe.” I rambled. Gabe was quiet.

“You’re right. I should have learned more about why he’s your biggest regret. But, you won’t talk to me about it. You made it very clear that we would never discuss that life. I figured if he had hurt you, then he would be a fear. I didn’t think of the extent you may have hurt him.” He sighed. I nodded.

“And now you’re forcing me eye-to-doe-eye.” I dropped my chin onto my knees and wrapped my arms back around my legs. Gabe was quiet for a minute, then casually shook his head.

“He agreed though.” Gabe added. I raised my eyebrow.

“What?” Gabe nodded.

“Even if I did overstep, and even if I had been completely wrong, James wanted to see you. So, doesn’t that mean he may need closure too? Maybe this isn’t just about you.” He spoke confidently. I rolled my eyes. Gabe had a unique way of never being the problem. No matter how many times he pulled out that trick, it caught me off guard. I stared at him with my mouth hanging open until he started laughing.

“You should eat something.” He insisted. I reached over and grabbed scoop of mashed potatoes. I put them in a disposable foam cup and grabbed a spoon. Gabe shook his head.

“Wow.” Was all he could comment. I looked at the cup, then back at Gabe.

“This is why I never leave the beach house!”

After dinner, Gabe put sports on the TV. I wasn’t really paying attention, so I didn’t care. My mind was racing with the possibilities tomorrow would bring. It could be the worst day ever, and that would completely ruin so many of the good memories I have. It could be the best day ever, but what would that mean? I could tell when I walked into his house that we were very different people in very different places in our lives. He had a growing family, participated at school events and was active in his local community. I hadn’t left my house in a decade. I didn’t even have the basic social skills to fake it through an entire day. I had no idea what I was going to do. I was more nervous about tomorrow than I had ever been about anything. Even when I was waiting to hear about the movie deal, I wasn’t this anxious. It didn’t feel as, monumental. I knew I was overthinking. It was just a catch-up date with an old friend. It would mean nothing in the long run. Maybe Gabe was right, and it would help to confront some of the issues. If history was any indication, we were just going to re-open old scars and hurt each other yet again. At least I’d have new stories to tell no one.

I meant it when I told Gabe I was never picking up a pen. I know he wanted to poke at the issue. That wasn’t something he was going to let slide. I guess he figured that this trip might help undo that decision, like seeing James was going to inspire me to pick up a pen and just start writing. It was cute that Gabe thought it worked like that. It takes a lot more than just a few nice thoughts about someone to write an entire book. Especially when God made it clear I needed to quit.

In the morning, I woke up before Gabe. I figured I’d be nice and order coffee. When the guy got to the door, I asked him to put the tray on the table. He nodded and went on with his day. I sat down and took my coffee from the tray. I put my feet up on the other chair and started sipping at my coffee. I thought about what other people did in the mornings. Did they read the news with their coffee? Scroll social media? Read? I had no idea. I had a phone, but that was to appease Gabe. When he wasn’t physically around, he felt like he had to have another way to contact me. If keeping a phone gave him any peace of mind, then it was worth it. He did a lot for me, and he never asked for anything in return.

There had been a time I thought Gabe was coming around for nefarious reasons. We had been hooking up when he was my live-in bodyguard. So when he started coming around again, I thought maybe he was looking to rekindle that. He said it was because I “vibed with his crazy” and he had met so few people who could. He once told me he needed me in his life because I kept things interesting. I can’t see how. Most days, I didn’t get off the couch. I guess if he were walking through my mind, it would be interesting. Some days, I guess I let him. When we were having drinks or just sitting by the fire pit. I never liked to talk about the past, but occasionally pieces would come up. I wasn’t completely running away from my past, I just knew the weight of some of my decisions was too heavy to carry alone. Maybe that’s why I started opening up to Gabe in the first place. I never knew how to take him, but I always knew I could trust him. There was never a doubt in my mind. If he said it was a good idea, then, I had to take his word because he had proven it many times.

“Good morning sleeping beauty.” I shouted as Gabe finally rolled over in bed. He looked over his shoulder at me, seemingly confused. I waved with my cup in my hand. He groaned as he dropped out of the bed and dragged his feet across the room. He slowly took the other coffee.

“What’s this for?” He asked cautiously. I raised my eyebrow.

“Can’t I do something nice without raising suspicion?” I asked. He shrugged.

“You can, but this isn’t one of those times.” He dismissed. I rolled my eyes.

“It’s a thank you.” I mumbled. He raised his eyebrow.

“For?” I shrugged.

“I mean, I don’t know that this isn’t going to be a total disaster, but, I know what your intention is, and, thank you, for that.” I stammered. He smiled through my rambling and nodded.

“You’re welcome.” He lifted his cup up and headed back to the bed. I watched him drop down and grab his phone. He was the type to scroll social media with his morning coffee. He ran his own business, he had to be pretty active on the internet. I decided to look at my phone for the first time since yesterday. I noticed I had a new text message. I didn’t recognize the number. I clicked into the message.

“I was told you never check your phone, so I don’t expect you to see this. But I wanted you to know that I really enjoyed getting to see you, and, I hope you’ll see me again Morgan.” I knew I was blushing when I tried to put the phone down casually and dropped it. Gabe looked over.

“What’s up?” He questioned. I quickly shook my head and faked a smile.

“Just clumsy.” I dismissed. Gabe nodded, going back to his phone.

“Oh, James will be here to get you at noon.” He announced. I almost spat my coffee out.

“Here? He’s picking me up at the hotel?” I squeaked. Gabe laughed at my panic.

“Yeah. What’s the big deal?” He questioned. I motioned towards him.

“How do I explain you?” I barked.

“Are you ashamed of me?” Gabe asked dramatically, loudly clasping one of his hands over his heart.

“I don’t know what you are.” I corrected. He laughed.

“Neither did my parents.” He agreed. I rolled my eyes.

“What does he know about us?” I rephrased. Gabe shook his head.

“I’m your caretaker.” He chuckled. I shook my head.

“Did you really tell him you’re my caretaker?” My voice cracked as I spoke. Gabe laughed.

“No. I just wanted to see that reaction.” He confessed. He walked over and put his hand on my shoulder.

“I told him the truth? We’re friends. Right?” Gabe pressed for confirmation. I shrugged.

“I’ve never known what we are. You’re a pain in my ass, but I need you. That’s all I really know about us.” I rambled. He shrugged as he sat down beside me.

“We are whatever you think we are.” He leaned back, stretching his back against the chair. His arms were long, but he looked like a monkey when he stretched like that. I laughed.

“Good communication.” I mumbled. Gabe shook his head.

“It’s not about communication. It’s about perception. I don’t want to ruin your perception and I don’t want you to ruin mine. I’m happy letting us both think whatever we want to think. We work best like that.” He explained. I nodded. Somehow, everything made sense when Gabe explained it. I was almost sad he wasn’t coming with us. He could have kept me on track and made sure I didn’t look like a total idiot. Of course I was afraid of looking like a total idiot in front of my high school boyfriend. I know how ridiculous that sounds. It’s ridiculous that he still has that kind of power over my heart. I thought I was over this. I thought I had grown. Matured. Nothing I thought could have prepared me for reality…