Chapter 26

In the morning, neither of us made any real attempt to get out of bed. It had been a long time since I slept beside someone else. I forgot how nice it felt. When he started humming into my hair, I got the impression he felt the same way. We were both awake for a while before either of us spoke.

“I haven’t slept that well in years.” He stretched, slowly covering me with his body. I smiled.

“It’s a nice bed.” I mused. He nodded.

“The bed, the light, the temperature. Everything about this place is tranquil. I don’t see how you have nightmares here.” He complimented. I smiled, wrapping one of my legs over his.

“To be fair, I sleep on the couch.” I corrected. He nuzzled into my neck.

“Maybe I can change that.” He cooed. I smiled, digging my fingertips into his arm. We stayed in that position for a few more minutes before he stirred.

“Ugh. Nature calls.” He groaned as he got out of bed. I rolled over and looked around. I didn’t really remember getting in bed with James, or snuggling up to him. I wondered if it had happened after I fell asleep or before. He obviously didn’t mind, but, I was curious for my own reasons. I’d like to know exactly how desperate I was coming across. I noticed the bed felt empty as soon as he left, like it felt perfectly natural to have him laying beside me. It felt weird to think something like that, but I could feel myself smiling. When James came back out of the bathroom, he looked around. He was taking in parts of the room he had missed in the evening dark. When I looked over, I noticed he was looking at the wall of paintings behind the bedroom door.

“You painted all of these?” He asked without looking over.

“How did you know?” I pout, pretending to be offended it was obvious they were handmade. He laughed as he lifted his fingers towards one in particular.

“That’s Alice’s grave.” He observed. I nodded as he looked over.

“I paint moments that stick with me, as best as I can. I’m no artist, but it’s my own life gallery.” I explained. He smiled as he walked back to the bed. He leaned over me and kissed me deeply.

“I love that you’re artistic. And musically talented. I love that you read as much as you write. You’re really brilliant.” He complimented. I smirked.

“And I don’t even have my grade 12.” I joked. I had never been good at taking compliments.

“Really?” He raised his eyebrow. I nodded.

“My third year of high school, I dated a guy and got into heavy drugs. I dropped out of school. I technically ran away from home to live with the guy for a few months. When we broke up, it was because I met someone else who had better drugs. School was not even on my radar.” I confessed.

“That must have been hard.” He sighed. I shrugged.

“I made my own decisions. They just happened to be bad ones.” I dismissed. He nodded as he grabbed my hand. He gently squeezed it as he moved to sit beside me.

“I hope one day you can start to forgive yourself.” He coaxed. I smiled.

“One day at a time.” I hummed. He nodded.

“One day at a time? Did you go through the program?” He asked softly. I nodded.

“A couple times.” I answered. He nodded.

“Me too, but I think you knew that already.” He hinted. I nodded.

“I would have hoped, at least.” I teased playfully. James laughed.

“I’m not perfect. I never claimed I was. I’m still trying to figure this life thing out for myself. But I’m not closed to the idea of sharing that journey with someone.” He started. I nodded.

“That’s a really beautiful way of looking at it.” I complimented. He leaned in and kissed me again.

“Everything here is beautiful.”

We made love twice before getting out of bed. Being that we were covered in sweat, we decided to take a shower. We made love again while cleaning each others’ bodies. I had never successfully had sex in the shower before, so it was a first for me. I’d have to bring that up at a more appropriate time. After the shower, he made a point to run his hands over every inch of my body as he toweled me off. I had been toweled off before, but it had never felt so sensual. Normally, I would feel exposed and vulnerable. But I felt like I could let my guard down around him. I didn’t even mind when he watched me getting dressed. I was comfortable with him. Though I was a little uncomfortable with how comfortable I was. I didn’t want to get ahead of myself. I knew if I let myself become too invested, it would hurt even more when it eventually fell apart. Because everything in my life eventually falls apart. I was used to that outcome. That didn’t mean I wasn’t capable of enjoying the moments. I could actually appreciate them more because I recognized everything wonderful as temporary.

If I was being completely honest, I actually tripped over my own feet the minute he answered the door. I’d been stumbling along ever since. But I didn’t mind.

Later in the day, James told me that there was a berry farm nearby that let you pick your own berries. I had never heard of such a place in my area. I agreed to go and check it out with him in the next few days. He enjoyed fresh berries as a treat. Of course he did. It satisfied nutrition and came with a sugar fix. It was healthier than binge-eating snack cakes or cookies. That would be my go-to for a sugar fix. I could see how having James around would be an improvement to my nutrition. Among the many other improvements he could make to my life. I tried not to think about those.

“We should watch the sunset outside tonight.” I suggested. James adjusted on the couch, turning to face me. Though he was looking past me at the sliding glass door.

“Isn’t it a little cold?” He questioned. I laughed.

“Maybe up North. But down here, it’s nice all year.” I corrected. He laughed.

“Let’s do it.” He agreed. I stood up, grabbing my coffee from the table. I lead him towards the glass doors and dramatically pushed them open. I stepped out onto the sand with my bare feet. He hesitated.

“It’s a private beach, James.” I assured him. He nodded as he stepped into the sand. I giggled as he wiggled his toes in the sand. I continued down the beach to the wooden patio chairs. I had two chairs set up with a secured fire pit in the center. James motioned towards the stainless steels prongs.

“I like to roast marshmallows on the beach.” I defended. James laughed and started nodding.

“Hayley would absolutely love this.” He cooed, still looking around. I smiled.

“I guess if things work out between us, you’ll get to bring her here sometime.” I offered. I felt silly immediately after saying it. I wished I could take it back, but it was already out there. I avoided looking at James. He reached over and grabbed my hand, gently squeezing.

“That would be awesome.” He assured. I briefly looked over at him, aware I was probably blushing. I couldn’t help it. He was such a sweet guy. It was almost overwhelming. Part of me was definitely suspicious. I mean, nothing about the situation was normal, so there was no way to be sure of anything. I had to follow my gut, which was telling me to lean into this. James. It felt crazy. I mean, it was crazy. Everything about the situation was crazy. But, a wise man once told me everyone has to go crazy once in their lives. Maybe it was time for a little reckless abandon. We held hands as we watched the sunset. When it finally got a little chilly, we went inside. I headed into the bedroom and turned on part one of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. James strolled in leisurely and sprawled out across the bed. I laughed as I adjusted to lay beside him. I had done this same thing many times before, but tonight, it felt like the room came to life with the movie. It was exactly as I had pictured it in my head. Everything was just better with him around. I let out a deep sigh as I nuzzled against him. He put his arm around my shoulder and tightly squeezed me in his arms.

“I love you Morgan.” He whispered, softly kissing the top of my head. I smiled against him.

“I love you too James.”

It was easily the best night of sleep I had in a long time. I woke up earlier than usual, and felt lighter. After I put on coffee, I walked over to the piano. I pulled the cover off it, letting a layer of dust kick up into the air. It had been a few months since I bothered touching it. I knew I couldn’t play one-handed, but I let my fingers run along the keys anyway. I mimicked the keys for Mary Had A Little Lamb. That was one of the only things I could practice left-handed. I hit a wrong note and shook my head. I would have to work on that skill if I wanted it back. I wondered how many other skills had I let waste away. Could I cook anymore? Would my first attempt to make something end up burning down the house? I never had that anxiety before attempting to drive again. Now, I worried that I was rusty. At life. In general. It felt like I hadn’t tried to live in a long time. Like I had become complacent in simply existing. I really did think I was happy.

Now that I actually was, I could see how deep my delusions had become. How far I was living in my own head. I could see how much Gabe had humored me over the years, allowing me to stay in this delusional world. But, he also chose to be around me. He didn’t have to. I wasn’t holding him hostage. He may have been invested in my well-being, but that was still a choice he was making. I really should have asked him why. The creaking floorboards brought my attention back to this reality. James was standing in the hallway in his boxers. I checked out his ass as he walked into the kitchen. He started making two coffees. He seemed to know where everything was, like he had been here for weeks already. He had certainly made himself comfortable. I’d be lying if I said I minded.

We never got a proper chance at this domestic stage. He was going through his divorce and I had my all-consuming deadlines. He still had places to be, but he had arranged his life around this month. The only person surprised was me. His kids even knew about his plans before I did. He really had put thought into doing this. He took considerations. He made plans. Yet he still decided to do this. It should have been easy for me to understand, considering I was on board as soon as I knew it was an option. I had no time to consider. Out loud.

I had written a thousand different endings for me and James. None of them felt right, because I never really wanted it to be over. I know I was young and foolish when I met him, but I saw forever in his eyes. As I watched him in the kitchen, I saw it everywhere. I saw it in the muscles of his shoulder blades. In the freckles that scattered his upper back. I could see forever in the curve of his lower back. In his firm ass cheeks. I bit the side of my lip as I made my presence known to him. He turned around and flashed a warm smile. I titled my head slightly as I stared at him. I knew nothing golden would last forever, but I was going to enjoy every second I was given. Indulgent as it was, I was all in on him.