Chapter 30

The first weekend, it was just the boys who came over. Hayley had plans with her friends. The two boys were dropped off Friday after school. We ordered pizza, because weekends were the only time James ate junk food. We decided to have a movie night. There was a new horror movie out that the two of them wanted to see, but their mom wouldn’t let them. It wasn’t too outrageous, so James said it was okay. We sat together in the living room watching movies and eating popcorn until everyone eventually fell asleep. I woke up at some point after the boys fell asleep and turned everything off.

In the morning, they were up and out the door. They were on a hockey team together and Saturday was practice. After James dropped them off, I got the idea in my head to make a macaroni and cheese casserole. I figured that was pretty boring alone, so I thought about sprinkling crunched up chips on top. At first, I thought of Nacho Doritos because they are cheesy. Then, I realized how good a casserole would taste with Cool Ranch Doritos instead. So I went out and bought everything I needed to cook the boys a Mac and Cheese casserole. I didn’t really know how, as it wasn’t something I had ever made before. But I felt inspired to try. I guess I was trying to make a good impression on the boys.

When they got home from practice, Billy was a bit grumpy. He said something had happened at practice, and that he didn’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t anything serious, because Ted was shaking his head. It obviously bummed Billy out, since he immediately went to his room. Ted stayed in the living room and started scrolling on his phone. James tried to ask about it, but Ted insisted nothing happened and he’s being overly dramatic. James left Billy alone until dinner was ready, then called him downstairs. I could hear Billy dragging his feet with every heavy step he took. I was plating up the food when Billy sat down at the table beside his brother. He was mumbling to himself.

“It’s just one goal. Let it go.” Ted whined. Billy looked over at him angrily.

“It’s a big deal.” He argued. Ted kept shaking his head. James chuckled.

“It’s important to him, that’s what matters.” He corrected. Ted rolled his eyes.

“What’s for dinner?” Billy asked, looking over at me. I smiled, holding up one of the plates.

“Macaroni and cheese casserole.” I answered. His eyes lit up, which made Ted laugh.

“With a Cool Ranch Doritos crust.” James added. That caught Ted’s attention. Both boys immediately sat up as I put the plates in front of them. They both dove into the cheesy mess on the plate. It was a little rich, and definitely fattening. They must have thought it was good because they both inhaled their food. When they were finished, they said thank you and waited until James said they could leave the table. We ate at a normal pace. It was pretty good, considering I had never made a casserole before.

On Sunday, it snowed heavily so the boys wanted to go snowboarding. I helped James load up the car with all their stuff. At first, I had no intention of going with them. I didn’t own a jacket and my shoes weren’t snow-friendly. But seeing how excited all three of them were made me want to tag along for the experience. So I hopped in the backseat with Billy. Ted had already called shotgun. We went to the biggest hill in the area. The boys got fully dressed in their gear before taking off on the hill. James did the same, but a little slower. I just stood around and watched, mostly. It was chilly, but, I felt like there was a warmth in my chest that seemed to be doing the trick.

I was disappointed when Maria showed up for the boys. I had enjoyed spending time with them. Of course, I had never really been worried about the boys. They had no reason to dislike me. It was Hayley I was worried about. I definitely spent all week worrying about the weekend, about meeting her for the first time. I couldn’t imagine what she must think about me. I didn’t really know the depth of what she knew either. James said he never told her, but that doesn’t mean Amanda hadn’t. She would have had every right to tell Hayley to hate me too. James assured me that wasn’t going to happen, that Amanda was happy with her new husband. My insecurities always got the better of me though. Growing up didn’t change that I was always second-guessing myself and worrying about every potential outcome. I exhausted myself. I really did. I couldn’t imagine choosing to put up with me. I mean, I didn’t exactly have a choice. But what was James doing? What was Gabe doing? These people were even crazier than I was. I know, I drove myself to Crazy Town. I really didn’t expect to see so many familiar faces though.

I even asked James if he thought I should apologize to Hayley. He didn’t understand what I would need to apologize for. He always maintained that there were many issues between him and Amanda, and that I was not the cause of the divorce. I knew he was just trying to make me feel better though. I had every reason to feel guilty, and apologetic. I had done enough damage to warrant a lifetime of trying to make it better. But that’s what I was aiming for now. I knew I couldn’t take back the past, but I was in control of the future.

Hayley wasted no time asking me questions. It felt a little bit like an interview, but much heavier. She asked about me and my life, not me and her father. She wanted to know what I did in my spare time and what I brought to the table. The minute James left the room, she took the opportunity to tell me that she read my book. The one I wrote about the affair.

“Dad doesn’t know. I borrowed his copy.” She clarified. I nodded, not really sure of what else to do.

“I was curious.” She added. I was quiet for a minute.

“Did you have any questions? Can I clarify anything?” I asked. She was quiet for a minute.

“Why? If you knew it was wrong, why did you do it?” She finally asked. I let out a deep sigh.

“I made a lot of mistakes because I was being selfish. I only saw the moment, I never cared about the aftermath.” I answered. She nodded.

“If you could take it all back, would you?” She questioned. I was quiet.

“No. I’m sorry. That’s probably not the answer you want. I’d like to think we would have done certain things differently, but, I don’t regret a second I’ve spent with your father.” I confessed. Hayley nodded.

“That’s the answer I expected.” She sighed. I nodded.

“I’m sorry.” I repeated, though I didn’t really know why. Hayley sighed again.

“I know you love my dad. That was pretty obvious reading the book.” She started. I nodded.

“It’s going to be hard to adjust, that’s all.” She finished. I nodded.

“I understand. And I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to force you to like me or anything like that. I just want to make your dad happy, and you’re a big part of his happiness.” I explained. She nodded.

“He does seem really happy with you.” She noted. James smiled as he came back into the room.

“What did I miss?” He asked, dropping down on the couch beside me. We exchanged a look.

“Nothing.” Hayley assured with a bright smile. James raised his eyebrow.

“Hey, I know that smile young lady. Was she interrogating you?” He asked me. I shook my head.

“It was more like an interview.” I assured. He shook his head.

“I told you not to ask her a bunch of questions.” He scolded. Hayley shrugged.

“She said it was okay.” She defended. I smiled.

“I don’t mind answering a few questions. That’s how people get to know each other, right?” I asked, genuinely unsure of the answer. James nodded.

“I suppose.” He agreed. Hayley looked over at us.

“Board games.” She blurted. I raised my eyebrow.

“That’s another good way to get to know people.” She clarified. I nodded.

“I thought the younger generation wasn’t into board games anymore.” I questioned. She laughed.

“They’ve come back.” She assured.

“Well that’s fun! I’m always down to play board games.” I agreed. James nodded.

“I’ll go see what’s in the cupboard.” He volunteered. Hayley waited until he was down the hall.

“I read the other book you wrote too. Gone. Not dad’s copy, obviously. He guards that thing like treasure. I bought my own used copy online. I just thought that’s something you should know.” She whispered. I nodded. The thought had occurred to me that Hayley may have read the romance novel. It was a successful book, after all. The content of the book was praised, it was the controversy around me that made the book unsuccessful in the end. I never thought the third book would even cross her radar. I didn’t think anyone really knew about it either. I didn’t do any publicity. There was no big release. It went straight to the shelves, per my contract. It was my retirement speech. My apology to the world, before my final farewell. I only expected the true die hard’s to read it. I couldn’t have imagined that James was one of the people who owned that particular book. It was even more shocking to learn Hayley had her own copy. James came back into the room with a few board games, and we spent the weekend playing a variety of table top board games. The topic of the book never came back up.

Part of me thought James should know she had read both books. At the same time, she was a young adult and she was capable of forming her own opinions. She had every right to read about something that might be painful if that helps her to handle those emotions. So I left it alone. It really wasn’t my business anyway. It was between Hayley and her mother. I wanted to build my own relationship with Hayley that had nothing to do with the mistakes of the past. She seemed open to the idea, even half-hugging me when she left.

I was a little shocked at just how natural it felt to be around James and his family. It felt like, I belonged there. My old life felt like nothing more than a fever dream as time went on. I hadn’t settled in, I had melted into my new life. It was all-consuming now. But it wasn’t a dangerous consumption. It felt, satisfying. For the first time, in a really long time, I felt like I had a sense of purpose. It was nothing more than cleaning and cooking, the same things I had been doing for myself. It felt different being here, in this environment. I felt lighter on my feet. I was more flexible as I had gotten used to doing more physical activities. James was a huge improvement in my life.

It wasn’t just being around him that started the improvements. It was facing this part of myself that I had left behind. I gave him that piece of myself the first day we met. He was such an integral part of my life in such an important time frame. So many things happened in those years that stuck like cement in my brain. He was at the center of so many of those moments. It wasn’t hard to see that he was always going to carry around a piece of my heart, like an invisible key chain. We just clicked. Being with him again only showed me that I had a piece of him too.

By her third visit, Hayley had warmed up to the idea of me being around. The boys loved me, or at least my cooking skills. I had met Maria. I had spoke to Amanda. I was confident that his life had enough room for me. I was confident that I would be happy here, with him, I was confident that the life I was leaving behind wasn’t exactly one worth missing. I would miss Gabe, but I’d still be the one watching his cats a couple times a year. I’d just have to get used to planes, because it was much quicker. I wouldn’t be leaving him behind, not completely. He had become such an important part of my life, I really couldn’t imagine a future without him in it. I think he felt the same. Even if we weren’t heading in the direction he might have wanted, I was heading in the right one for myself. He knew that better than anyone else. That was why he set everything up in the first place. He wanted me to get closure. I got closure. He wanted me to be sure before I made any decisions. I have never been more confident of anything in my entire life.

I still felt like I didn’t deserve this life I was being given. I had done nothing spectacular to earn such a warm and loving welcome into another person’s life. But here he was, extending his home, his heart, his family. At this point, I knew he was even crazier than I was. That somehow made me want to be a part of it even more. Even if I didn’t really think I deserved it. It wasn’t the first time I went for something beyond my reach, and probably wouldn’t be my last. I always follow my heart, even when it leads me astray. I believe in my heart.

My heart told me that this was the beginning of something so much bigger…

Of course I still harbored guilt. Of course I worried that I would screw everything up. But I wasn’t going to let those same childish insecurities prevent me from giving this my everything. I always said James deserved the fucking world. I aimed to give it my best shot.