Chapter 6

The Tuesday group had to change locations mid-January, so Charlotte couldn’t attend anymore. James stayed in the group because he needed the extracurricular participation. So they went back to sitting together at lunch and talking on the phone after school. Kim convinced her to join a writing group that took place at the school, during school hours. There was a poetry fair coming up in February and Kim was sure Charlotte could win if she entered. It took a bit of convincing. Charlotte didn’t share her poetry with many people. She thought it would just be another target on her back. She was dodging bullies and rumors and gossip at every turn. She was sick of feeling like a spectacle. She didn’t want to put her writing into the mix and create a spotlight. Kim convinced her to write something. She didn’t have to read her poetry in front of anyone. The poetry would be published in a pamphlet and voted on. No names were being published with the poetry so there was no room for biased opinions. It was a contest based on the merit of words only. So Charlotte entered a poem she wrote for James.

Yesterday I held your hand,

I whispered sweet nothings to you.

I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring.

My smile was wide and I spoke softly,

But the air was a delicate flower,

The pressure of my voice crushed it.

Your laugh echoed through the darkness,

Bouncing off our hopes and dreams

Dragging reality like a weight.

I watched the seed of our love

Planted in a concrete garden.

We never stood a chance.

I’ll look back on the garden

Hoping for a flower,

I know will never bloom.

It wasn’t the best poem she had written. It wasn’t a happy poem. It had been written right after they broke up. But she felt it captured the desperation she wanted to express to him. She wasn’t exactly a romantic person. She wasn’t good at expressing herself either. But she really wanted to take this opportunity to show him how important he was to her. He loved it. Genuinely. He said it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for it. So, she gave him a framed copy for Valentine’s Day. They also went to a dance together on Valentine’s Day. It was held by the community center across the street from her house. He was happy to be her date to a community-oriented event. They loved community events. It was a place they could always be free to express themselves, away from judgmental eyes. Their classmates had been relenting, coming up with every insult and criticism possible. It felt like everyone was trying to come between them. Even their friends. Kim never said anything directly to Charlotte, but she picked up on a change in the way Kim was around her. She treated her differently. At first, Charlotte figured it was because she had a boyfriend and was spending her free time with him. But she realized it wasn’t jealousy, it was disgust. Jessica never hid her criticism. She just said that James wasn’t good enough for Charlotte and that she was settling. She needed to try dating someone else. She said a lot of things like that. Charlotte felt like it was coming from a good place, but it was clumsily executed. Every time someone said she should break up with James, she wanted to be with him even more. They were star-crossed lovers.

The building was small; only fitting about 50 people in the building. By the entrance, they had someone serving hot chocolate with little marshmallows in white Styrofoam cups. The kind that would melt if hot liquid was in them for too long. But with the cold of February, most people drank their hot chocolate pretty quickly. There was a coat rack to the other side of the entrance where Charlotte and James dropped their jackets. In the far corner of the building they had a dance floor set up. Since it was Valentine’s-themed, most of the songs were slow and romantic. A few racier songs played for the older teenagers in the group. James and Charlotte sat those songs out. Charlotte was afraid of looking foolish, but she was also afraid of getting too caught up in the dance. Dancing with him was already a rush, she couldn’t imagine their bodies pressed against each other. Not in public, at least. Throughout the songs, her and James were having a silent conversation with their eyes. She was pretty sure she knew what he was thinking about. He confirmed it when he offered to walk her home. She agreed, and they left the party early. No one was at her place, so they would have the house to themselves.

“Do you want to come upstairs?” She asked, biting her lip. He smiled, closing the door. He took off his shoes and she held out her hand. He practically tripped up the stairs behind her. They disappeared into the room and closed the door. He sat down on the bed, and she walked over to her stereo. She turned on the radio. As she walked back towards the bed, she let her dress fall to the floor. James followed her lead, scrambling out of his own clothes. He stood up as she approached the bed and wrapped his arms around her. They started kissing, slowly falling onto her bed. This time, they explored each others’ naked bodies. Lips and hands roamed every inch of each other. The music was barely audible over the sound of moaning. Neither of them held back, and before long, they were making love. This time, every movement felt amazing. Charlotte completely lost herself in his touch. She only came back to reality when he collapsed on top of her with exhaustion.

“I wish I could stay here.” He sighed after his breathing returned to normal. She smiled.

“I wish you could too.” She agreed, running her hand through his hair. He kissed her before pulling himself off the bed. He knew he had to get back home by a certain time or he’d be in trouble. Charlotte walked him down to the door. He kissed her deeply before leaving her with a ‘goodnight’. She locked the door behind him and went back up to her room. She grabbed a bottle of perfume and sprayed a bit around the bed. Then she opened her bedroom window to air out the room. It was cold, but the cold night air was welcomed against her hot skin.

She gushed about him in her journal again. It seemed like she had a lot to say when it he was the subject. She found writing was the easiest way to express her thoughts and her feelings. She wasn’t graceful at speaking. Along with writing about him, she wrote a lot for James as well. He loved her poetry and her short stories. He was always encouraging her to write more, and to share her writing with other people. She had found an online community where she could share her writing anonymously. James offered constructive criticism, but only when she asked for it. He was her muse and her words of encouragement. He had become her best friend. Jessica wasn’t speaking with Charlotte anymore. Kim was keeping her distance. All Charlotte really had was James, but, she couldn’t be happier. He was supportive. He was understanding. He listened to all her rambling. He encouraged her to try new things. She felt like she was a better person when she was with him.

As amazing as the night had been, the fallout was unfortunate. Charlotte missed her next period. By now, she had read enough to know what the possibilities were. She wasn’t sure if she should tell James first or go to the doctor. She didn’t want the doctor or her mother to know she was sexually active. She started to panic, the more she thought about the situation. She called James and asked him to come over. She didn’t want to tell him on the phone. It took him over an hour by bus. She practically ripped the door off the hinges when he knocked. She grabbed his arm and dragged him up to her room.

“What’s wrong?” He immediately asked. He wasn’t dense. She turned to face him and started crying.

“I might be pregnant.” She blurted. His eyes went wide, but there was no visible reaction in his face.

“What?” He stuttered out. She nodded, then turned her back to him.

“I missed my period.” She sighed. James was quiet. She spun around to face him, tears streaming down her cheeks. He started walking towards her and she covered her face.

“I’m sorry.” She cried. He pulled her hands down from her face and held them in his.

“It’s okay. We’ll get through this.” He assured, resting his forehead against hers. She faked a smile.

“I’m so sorry.” She repeated. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. They were both quiet as they stood in the middle of her bedroom.

“So, what now?” He asked softly. She stepped back.

“I’ll get a home test tomorrow, and we’ll find out.” She shrugged. He nodded.

“Okay. I feel like this is going to be the longest night of my life.” He tried joking. She shook her head. She couldn’t help but feel like she was responsible, even though she knew they were equally to blame. She felt like maybe she had pushed him into something he wasn’t comfortable with after all. She started bawling again. He pulled her back into his arms.

“It’ll be okay.” He tried reassuring. She knew he was trying to reassure himself too. She could hear the panic in his voice. She could feel his body trembling against hers. He was scared too. It made her feel a little less afraid of the facing the outcome.

“Should I have told you? I mean, before I know?” She mumbled. He shrugged.

“I’ve never been in this situation before.” He chuckled. She shook her head.

“Shut up.” She scolded playfully. He pulled her over and dropped down on her bed.

“We’ll have to be more careful next time.” He insisted. She looked over at him and blushed.

“Next time?” She repeated. He rolled onto his side and propped himself up.

“I mean, you enjoyed it, right?” He asked softly. She nodded.

“Of course.” She agreed. He dropped back down.

“Then, I’ll buy condoms for next time.” He explained. Every time he said “next time” her heart fluttered a bit. She loved every second she was with him. They stayed on her bed in silence for almost an hour before he said he had to leave. Charlotte went out first thing in the morning. She bought three tests and did all of them. All three came back negative.

For April Fool’s Day, Charlotte bought him a key chain that said “dad”. It was their own little joke, but served as a reminder to be more careful. They laughed about it in the aftermath, considering it a bonding experience if nothing else. They even talked about the possibility of having children together one day in the future, after high school. They had even agreed on a name, if they were to have a boy. They took the relationship seriously. They were closer than ever.

So it was a shock to everyone when they broke up. Themselves included. Neither of them could really vocalize what was wrong, just that something felt off. He suggested a break, and she agreed it was for the best. He had expressed an interested in maybe dating other people. She wasn’t even upset about it. It was completely amicable this time. No hard feelings. No tears. No begging or pleading. She gave him back his favorite sweater and that was the end of it. She let her old friends know that he wouldn’t be an issue anymore, even though they hardly saw each other. It was a strange feeling, but, Charlotte knew it was for the best. They just didn’t have the chemistry anymore.

Charlotte had been feeling her own kind of wanderlust. She was bored of the same routines and never having anything new to write about. Her friend Sam was going away to a her family cottage for the summer, and Charlotte had been invited for the whole month. She was only able to convince her mother to let her go for two weeks, but it was still exciting. There were going to be people she didn’t know from different areas of town. No one she went to school with, including Sam. She went to a different high school. The two girls planned on doing a bunch of outdoors stuff, like fishing and camping. Charlotte was really looking forward taking her mind off James for a few weeks. She looked forward to the stories she’d come home with too!