My Relationship with Social Media

Long-time followers of mine already know that I have a really hard time maintaining an active presence on social media. Most of my friends are aware of the reasoning, though the public may not. 

My relationship with social media is, complicated.

I recognize that as an author who wants my words to be read, I will need to have and maintain some level of social media. How else am I expecting to connect to readers, right? It's all through social media marketing. That's the modern way to get your name out there. I know all the tricks in the marketing hand book. I've written several of them at this point in my career. 

But I feel like I can't just launch socials without explaining for anyone who may be following why I seem to disappear for long periods of time. This goes for social media and messages as well. I disappear on my friends for months, sometimes in the middle of a conversation. I'm consistently inconsistent.

That's why I removed myself from all of the children in my life. I know children need more consistency than adults. I don't want them to feel like they are the reason I disappear for extended periods of time. The way I started to see it was that it would be easiest if I wasn't in 

their lives at all. I still think about the kids every single day. Kai was such a sweet boy and Kay was a ray of sunshine too. They were both so imaginative and creative. I would have loved to be a part of their lives as they grew up. But physical distance was an excuse to create an emotional distance. 

I have no one to blame but myself for all the severed connections in my life. I know that. I'm not disillusioned. The more I write, the more it becomes painfully obvious that I've severed some really important connections in my life. People I couldn't live without. And now I don't know what to do. I can't reach out and mend those bridges. I don't have that right. Those bridges have to be extended to me. Those people have to extend themselves to me. Not because I'm afraid of making the first move. Because I know I don't have the right to. 

I've blown through many lives and I cannot, in good consciousness, ask for another chance. I can't promise I won't make the same mistakes over again. What have I learned? I know that it hurts me in the long run and hurts everyone else in short-term. I don't know what that means. I don't know how it's applicable to my lifestyle and lack of friends.

There are some constants, people I know are my friends even after years of radio silence. Sparky, for one. Jay and Sel. It doesn't matter how long I go between talking to those three, they always welcome me with open arms. By Sparky has a youngling and I wouldn't mind being a consistent presence in his life, and the lives of my niece and nephew. I'm an auntie. 

I need to get over this depression shit. 

Oh, and Merry Christmas.