WMYSS

It has been more than 3 years since there was any communication. It's been 24 years since I've seen him. How does he still creep into my mind in those quiets moments? What makes him so special?

Like a child, exploring the world for the first time, my eyes have never been more open. This is part of the curse. The star-crossed lovers storyline that I'm doomed to write a million different endings to. I'm stuck on loop and I have to live out every single one of these scenarios that play inside my head. 

I never wanted to admit to this anchor. Very few people even know it exists. But it's an anchor around my neck that drags me down when I think about it too often. I don't understand it. I've tried everything I could think to try and work through any unresolved feelings. I truly believed it was transferrence for the longest time. Decades even. But if that were the issue, why does he pop back in so randomly? What does he represent for me?

Many people would say it's an attachment to the past or to the feelings of being young and free and careless. Those are elements, sure. But the majority of the thoughts have always been about unspoken futures. The tide always comes back to shore. It doesn't have to make sense to you. It doesn't make sense to me either. I hoped by writing this story, I would be able to let go. I also know it won't be immediate. 

This was a bit like pulling out a poisoned vein. Only this vein goes straight to the heart and the poison has long seeped into my being. I don't even know if I can live without the anchor. I hope I get to find out. I hope that anchor starts shrinking now. I don't want him to still be in my thoughts. I was never in his. It doesn't seem fair.

My feelings come out like a shotgun spray, and I think we'd all rather the shotgun. 

I have to do this. I'm sorry. I have to get all these thoughts out of my head in some way or another. I'm past the point of desperation. I'm pathetic, and I know it. I'm a reject, and I know it. I've been rejected from many people in many different ways, I was rejected by schools, careers, boys, publishers... You name it, I've faced rejection from it. I reject myself constantly. But it won't stop me this time. This time, I have to push past all those barriers, even the ones in the form of people. 

I am so, so sorry.