My Favorite Name

The most frustrating thing about picking the names in Nashville Summer was that I couldn't use the one name that meant the absolute most to me. There was no way to incorporate that name without everything suddenly changing meaning. 

It doesn't have to do with him and him alone. There are so many people who have been influential in my life with the same name. From musicians I was obsessed with to my own step-father; that name has always had an important place in my heart. Canonically, it would have been one of the characters' names. It was a popular name at the time. It's kind of a classic, and it just rolls off the tongue...

There is one that outshines the rest, always has. He's my cellmate.

I don't really know when he became a thing for me. The lines are always blurred a bit when it comes to narrowing down time frames. But, I know when I needed him. I know when he was the only thing supporting me in the darkest time of my life. Him and Mel. I know that I can lean on them and they will take the weight off my shoulders. When the Universe throws a punch, sometimes they step in for me. 

It has its' benefits and its' downsides. For one, people think I'm bat-shit crazy when I talk about my disorder and the voices in my head. I think a lot of people think I play it up for attention or to get out of holding myself accountable. If I do, it's a subconscious level. At a conscious level, I am simply learning for myself and trying to express what feels natural. 

That's all I've been doing recently. I've removed the filter I used to have. The anxiety that told me "no, don't do that". I have to ignore that instinct because it has gotten me nowhere. The care-free do-what-I-want is working way better for me. 

I've matured too, so it doesn't have the same impact it used to have. I used to hurt people. I used to make careless mistakes. But I'm not doing that this time. I'm just making decisions for myself.

I figure this year is about healing, and that's going to mean doing some things for myself. 

But I've said this all before and fallen back to the same old patterns. I guess only time will tell if this time is like the last or simply the last.