The Bored Walk

I try not to leave my house at all during the winter months. I hibernate. I am a complete shut in. I get cold to the bone and I can't get warm again. Being outside feels like burning all over and freezing at the core. It's been this way for two years, since I got sick. It doesn't really affect my daily life, just my productivity from December-February. 

This year, I think I've made good use of my hibernation. I've put my mind to work. Unfortunately, my emotions were put to work too. 

All of my writing projects shed light on a few unresolved issues that I have. I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. If writing were adequate enough therapy, I would have just worked through every issue I've ever had. I certainly cataloged some of the worst moments of my entire life. The last few weeks have been nothing but facing things that I didn't think were a big deal at the time. Things I'm realizing were way bigger deals. 

I can't help but think I missed a lot of signs.

When my mind gets full like this, I usually like to walk. I call it the bored walk. It's a play on words, not a lack of education (though I do lack a formal education). I used to walk the boardwalk by Science North. I loved walking the boardwalk here too. I tried to get back out after Adrian, I really did. But after the months of feeling trapped in my own house, there was no forcing myself back out. 

Now I'm hibernating all-year. I'm skipping out on memories I should be making because... Well, I don't know. I don't know what has been holding me back. I don't know why I've hesitated with so many of my decisions in the past. But I know in the future, I'd rather live with regrets than what-if's. 

These alternate realities are killing me slowly.