Chapter 22

Hayden was excited to see Rob back at school on Monday morning. He was unusually quiet, but at least he was showing his face again. Hayden took that as a good sign. She sat with Rob on the bus, like usual. The teacher gave Rob a lecture about his attendance. He promised he’d pull it together, but it was too late to impact the current semester and Rob knew it. He was making false promises, but at least there was an attempt on his part. It was another victory as far as Hayden was concerned.

When her and Rob met back up before lunch, she didn’t think to warn him of the new seating arrangements. When they got to the cafeteria, Rob was confused that Hayden immediately went to sit with Brent and one of his friends. Rob cautiously approached the table.

“Liz will be here any minute. I’ve been sitting with her in your absence.” Hayden joked. Rob nodded.

“She’s been around the house a lot too.” He agreed. Brent looked over and raised his eyebrow.

“I thought you liked Liz.” He sighed. Rob nodded.

“I do.” He assured. Brent didn’t look convinced, but he went back to playing cards with his friend Kyle. Hayden gave her attention back to Rob. She gently kicked him under the table.

“What’s on your mind?” She asked softly. Rob slowly shook his head.

“I guess it’s just weird.” He sighed. Hayden nodded slowly.

“I understand.” She assured. Rob faked a smile.

“How can you stand this?” He joked, motioning to his brother. Hayden laughed.

“He’s not that bad when you get to know him.” She defended. Rob smirked.

“You’re right. He’s worse.” He countered. Hayden shook her head. She didn’t have a chance to say anything else before the table was joined by Liz. She sat down beside Hayden, hardly acknowledging Brent on the other side. They exchanged a smile, but that was it. Liz had a new set of cards she wanted to show Hayden. One of them was a rare collectors card. Hayden was a little jealous that Liz had gotten one. She had been hoping to get one. Of course, she couldn’t afford as many packs as Liz could. Her family wasn’t as poor as the rest of them. Her dad worked for the government. He lived in a low-income area for security. He didn’t want to be a target. No one really knew what he did for the government. He never answered anything. It was always a “need to know” sort of thing. Hayden thought it was cool that he had a secret job. Especially when it seemed to pay well. The family was always able to go on extravagant vacations each year over the holidays. Hayden hadn’t really traveled. She had been to a few cities in her own province. She had been over in Quebec a few times. She never really traveled long distances though. It wasn’t something she wanted to do either. She didn’t really see the purpose of traveling. Everything she wanted to do could be done within a book. She read just as much as she liked to write and she definitely created a few worlds for herself. She had invented completely new experiences within her writing. Experiences she could never have in the real world. That was the freedom of imagination. Hayden made good use of hers.

“What’s so special about that one?” Rob asked Liz, motioning to the card in her hand. Liz smiled.

“There are only 150 of these printed. They are signed too.” Liz showed the back of the card to Rob. All 5 signatures were scrawled in various ink colors.

“I see.” He mumbled. Hayden laughed.

“It’s no different.” She insisted as she motioned to the cards in Brent’s hand. Rob shook his head.

“I don’t understand Pokemon either.” He corrected. Hayden bit the side of her lip.

“Then you lack whimsy.” Liz dismissed, waving her hand in his direction. He laughed.

“That’s a first.” He commented. Hayden also laughed.

“I was thinking the same thing.” She agreed. Rob smiled as he looked over at her.

“Aww.” Liz cooed loudly, aggressively dropping her hand on Hayden’s shoulder.

“Ow.” She complained. Liz shook her head.

“You’re going to have to toughen up.” Liz criticized. Hayden shrugged.

“I’m fragile.” She insisted. Liz nodded.

“I know.” She agreed.

“I’ll protect you.” Rob assured softly. Hayden looked over at him and smiled. Liz cooed again.

“You two are sickeningly adorable.”

After school, Rob grabbed Hayden’s wrist and motioned for her to stay back with him. Brent headed straight home. Hayden looked over at Rob, sitting on the bench at the bus stop.

“What’s on your mind?” She asked softly. He shrugged.

“So you started hanging out with Brent.” He mumbled. Hayden sighed.

“I’m not hanging out with Brent. I’m hanging out with Liz. Brent is just around. I put up with him.” She assured. Rob nodded slowly.

“You put up with him.” He repeated. Hayden nodded.

“That’s what I said.” She assured. Rob shook his head.

“I think it’s obvious you like him.” He exhaled. Hayden’s jaw dropped.

“Is that what you’re being moody about?” She asked loudly. Rob was quiet as Hayden shook her head.

“No. If anything, being around him made the crush go away.” She insisted. He looked over at her.

“Do you really feel that way?” He asked softly. She nodded.

“I haven’t thought of him since that kiss. Maybe it’s because he’s with Liz. Maybe it’s because he’s not you.” She sighed. Rob smiled, looking back down at the ground.

“So you’re still choosing me?” He asked for clarification. She sighed.

“Of course I am. I’ll always choose you, Rob.”

Hayden had a hard time eating dinner that night. Her stomach was in knots. She hadn’t thought about Brent again, but she still felt guilty when Rob asked. She hadn’t considered Rob would have a problem with her hanging out with Brent. Of course, after what happened, it made sense. She worried Rob was going to skip school the following day, and then for another week. He seemed to need a week to process everything. Hayden had noticed that he was fairly predictable when it came to his expression of emotions. He never made any immediate judgment. He thoroughly thought about every decision before making it. Hayden didn’t understand how him and Jessica ever worked. She was the exact opposite. She never thought anything through and that’s how she ended up in a school for delinquent students.

Hayden was trying to play video games on the black and white TV before bed. She couldn’t concentrate on anything. All she could think about was upsetting Rob again. It seemed like every since they declared themselves a relationship, she was messing up with him. It had never happened, and they knew each other their whole lives. Hayden didn’t understand what had changed, but she could tell that everything was different. Their interactions had a different weight. Her actions had a different weight. Now, everything she thought and felt and did could impact another person. She wasn’t used to that idea. She had never been in a relationship. She didn’t know what it meant to be half of a whole.

Rob did go to school the next day. He was quiet, but that wasn’t completely unusual. Hayden could tell he was still thinking about her and Brent. He was looking at Brent different too. It was starting to get on Hayden’s nerves. At lunch, she finally called him out on it.

“What’s your problem?” She asked sharply. Rob looked around, then leaned against the wall outside the cafeteria. Hayden stepped to the side with him.

“I’m not crazy about Liz.” He confessed. Hayden’s eyes went wide.

“What?” She squeaked. Rob shrugged.

“I can’t help but think my brother is with a Jessica.” He sighed. Hayden shook her head.

“Liz is nothing like Jessica.” She assured. Rob nodded.

“Not in the personality, but, they both come from money.” He hinted. Hayden nodded.

“Elizabeth is not a rich snob. You know that. She’s perfectly average.” She insisted. Rob sighed.

“I want to believe that, I just don’t want to see Brent hurt.” He conceded. Hayden nodded.

“It’s sweet that you want to look out for your brother.” She added. He shrugged.

“He’s been inviting her to everything. It’s annoying.” He complained. Hayden nodded again.

“I think Brent may feel that way about me sometimes.” She noted. Rob was quiet.

“I guess.” He agreed. Hayden put her hand on his arm.

“Just be patient. It’s a new relationship. They tend to be like that. You know, so consumed by each other that nothing else really matters around them.” She rambled dreamily.

“I’m sorry I’ve stolen that from you.” He sighed. She shook her head.

“I wasn’t hinting that.” She corrected. He pushed off the wall.

“I know. But I know it’s true. I’ve just been so,” He paused. Hayden grabbed his hand.

“Rob, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.” She assured him. He looked over at her and smiled.

“Okay.” He agreed. He kept his hand wrapped around hers as they walked into the cafeteria.

That night, Hayden’s insecurities started to voice their opinions on her relationship with Rob. It just felt like everything she did was wrong and somehow hurt Rob. That was the last thing she wanted to do. She couldn’t take feeling so guilty all the time. It was driving her crazy. She felt guilty for things she hadn’t even done. With everything that had changed between them, she missed just being friends. She didn’t really think that being in a relationship was the best thing for the two of them. She was clearly not ready to be a girlfriend.

She didn’t know how she was going to tell Rob, but she was pretty sure that the solution was just being friends. Even if it was going to be weird for a little bit. She was sure if Rob sat down and thought about it, he would agree. Maybe two people could be such good friends that they wouldn’t work in a relationship. Maybe two people could know each other too well to function in a romantic way. Maybe all relationships felt like walking on eggshells. Hayden wouldn’t know. Rob was the first boy she ever dated. She didn’t know enough about relationships to make the proper judgment call. She just knew she was tired of the feelings of guilt and the knots in her stomach. She had to do whatever was going to make those things stop.

The thought occurred to her that she might have to confess to Brent. Her feelings of guilt may be because she was hanging around with him and he didn’t know about her impure thoughts. Maybe her feelings of guilt were because of Liz. Hayden was sure her thoughts of Brent were the cause of her distress. She had already told Rob. It didn’t help him to know though. In fact, it only made things worse. Maybe the biggest mistake Hayden made was telling Rob about her all of thoughts. Maybe she should have kept them to herself. Maybe she should have used her journal. That was the whole point, right? It was an unbiased place to write random thoughts. Hayden just wanted to be upfront with Rob, even if the truth was going to hurt him. She had always told him exactly what she was thinking. She never filtered her thoughts for him before. She had to do the same thing again. She had to tell him exactly what was on her mind. If it ruined everything, then Hayden would have to pick up the pieces after.

Hayden had no idea how Liz was going to handle her confession. She had no idea how Brent was going to handle her crush, however temporary it turned out to be. She just knew that expressing her thoughts would set her free. Eventually.