Chapter 3

Hayden walked over to Amy’s house after her talk with the girls. She was confident that Amy would be able to give her better guidance than the girls. She already tried asking her mother and she didn’t want to wait to learn at school. She wanted to be prepared. She took a deep breath before knocking. She knew that Amy was off work, but wasn’t sure she was going to be home. She was happy when the door opened and Amy motioned her inside.

“I need to know about sex.” Hayden blurted out. Amy raised her eyebrow.

“And why would you need to know something like that?” She countered. Hayden sighed.

“Come on, no one else will tell me and I feel like it’s something I should know. What if there are social cues I miss because I don’t know what they are?” Hayden rambled. Amy nodded, motioning for her to have a seat on the couch. Hayden dropped down dramatically.

“What do you know?” Amy pried. Hayden shook her head.

“Nothing. We’re built different, those parts go together and that’s how babies are made.” She explained. Amy nodded to herself, biting the side of her lip.

“Yeah, that’s not enough information.” She agreed. She took another deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. It took her a few minutes to collect her thoughts.

“The first thing you need to know is that you should always use protection. Well, until you’re married.” She started. Hayden leaned forward, nodding along.

“Condoms?” She whispered. Amy smiled.

“Yes. You should be more confident saying it if you think you’re going to be having any type of sex.” Amy scolded. Hayden kept nodding.

“Wait, there are different kinds?” She asked. Amy nodded again.

“Yes. Not all of them penetration. You can do something called foreplay. It’s basically touching the other person, either clothed or unclothed. You can still get diseases doing it naked, but you can’t get pregnant so it’s a little safer at your age.” She detailed. Hayden raised her eyebrow.

“What is old enough to have sex?” She asked. Again, Amy bit the side of her lip.

“I really shouldn’t be the one to answer that.” She defended. Hayden nodded.

“How old were you?” She pried. Amy had to think about it.

“17. I wanted to wait until I felt comfortable, and I did. I wasn’t very popular in high school, but I wasn’t going to let that change my personal values.” She explained. Hayden nodded.

“What do you do if someone does something you don’t want?” She asked. Amy looked over.

“That’s called rape. You should inform someone trustworthy immediately. Why? Did somebody do to something to you that you didn’t want?” Amy screeched loudly. Hayden shook her head.

“No. I guess I’m just worried about Jessica’s party. There’s a boy, Wayne, and he asked.” Hayden paused. Amy leaned forward and put her hand on Hayden’s knee.

“It’s okay.” She assured.

“He asked me to be his date to the party. I don’t know what that means. Is there something that implies?” Hayden questioned. Amy shook her head.

“It just means someone wants to spend time with you. If he has other ideas, just let him know you’re not comfortable. You should never feel like you have to do something just because someone else is pressuring you. Listen to your own body.” She instructed. Hayden nodded.

“I’m not ready.” She asserted. Amy nodded.

“There you go. Just keep repeating that to yourself.”

“I’m not ready.” Hayden repeated to the mirror for the third time. For a brief moment, she remembered playing Bloody Mary with Brent a few years ago in this very mirror. She was scared of looking in the mirror after they played. She had a large vanity in her bedroom and she made Brent take the mirror down. She shoved it underneath the bed and let it get covered in dust for over a year. She still refused to have a mirror in her bedroom. The vanity had been moved to the bathroom in the basement. It had originally been a toilet and sink, but her vanity turned it into a 3-piece. Hayden was responsible for keeping it clean, since she was the only one who used it. Her bedroom used to be upstairs. The sad clowns painted all over her bedroom were a metaphor that no one but her could understand. She wanted to love the room. It was done in her favorite colors. There was so much thought and effort put into the diamond pattern painted around the lower half of the room. But Hayden couldn’t find the strength to appreciate it. Hannah loved everything about the room they shared. Hayden had moved to the basement shortly after the ice storm broke through the roof earlier that year. It was supposed to be temporary, but she ended up loving it. She had to beg her mother to let her stay down there, but she eventually agreed. It gave her siblings more space upstairs. It took away from the adult’s space in the basement. The way Hayden saw it, she was almost an adult now and needed to expand her space. She wasn’t against the kids playing in the space either. There was a fort build out of mega blocks in another area of the basement. An old door had been fashioned into a slide. The kids loved playing downstairs and Hayden didn’t mind. She’d just close her door and put on the radio if the noise bugged her. The kids were not allowed to use the bathroom downstairs unless it was an emergency.

“I’m not ready.” She repeated again. She could see the muscles in her face twitching as she spoke. Amy was so confident when she said it. Hayden wished she was more like Amy. She had her whole life figured out. She was good under pressure. Hayden felt like she crumbled into small pieces whenever the slightest amount of pressure was on her. Unless it was academic. She could thrive in any academic setting. It was social and life skills she was lacking. She spent more time alone than she spent with other people, not including Rob. Even with him right beside her, she felt like she was alone. She was at peace with him. He was the only person she felt that way about. Everyone else took energy out of her. Energy she didn’t really have to begin with. She gave all of her energy to school. She had no time to be social or to have a boyfriend or anything. Hayden headed back into her bedroom and threw herself down on the bed. She looked over at the clock. It was an hour past her bedtime, but she was restless. She couldn’t stop thinking about Rob. She kept replaying the words in her head. I love you. He said it a million times before, but it felt different.

In the morning, after shoveling her breakfast into her mouth, Hayden went straight to the bus stop. She didn’t want to bother Rob. He obviously wanted space. She considered herself to be an understanding friend. It wasn’t long before she could hear Brent’s annoying voice echoing down the street. She braced herself for the unavoidable hurricane. After Brent ran past her, she looked around for Rob. He wasn’t behind Brent. Hayden waited for a minute, then looked over at Brent.

“Where is Rob?” She asked. Brent stuck his tongue out.

“You’re into him, aren’t you?” He teased. Hayden shook her head.

“No because that would mean I was into you and you’re a pain in the ass.” She argued. Brent shrugged.

“He’s not feeling well. He was throwing up all night.” He answered. Hayden nodded. She wondered if he was just under the weather or if it had something to do with Jessica. She knew he wasn’t excited about the party, but was obligated to go as Jessica’s boyfriend. Especially if he didn’t want her to cheat on him. Again. It could just be his nerves, but Hayden was still worried. Throughout the day, she took extra hand-outs in every class. When school was over, she got off the bus and followed the obnoxious boys back to Brent’s house. Brent yelled for Rob to get his ass downstairs. He showed no urgency. Hayden could hear him thumping down before he rounded the corner. He leaned against the wall, eyes glued to the floor.

“What?” He groaned. Hayden held out the small stack of papers.

“From class.” She offered. He nodded as he took the papers from her.

“Are you okay?” She asked softly. He shrugged.

“I’ll be fine.” He assured. Hayden did not feel assured. She nodded as she grabbed the door handle, closing herself out of the house. When she got home, Elizabeth was waiting with her scrapbook. It was Tuesday. Scrapbooking day. Hayden headed inside to grab her portable art kit. It was something her mother got her for Christmas last year. She had used all the supplies it originally came with. She had restocked everything since then. She couldn’t afford to replace anything, so she stole the supplies from school. She didn’t feel like she had a choice. She needed more than school supplies and there wasn’t extra money. She had to get creative. She had convinced herself it wasn’t hurting anyone. She only did it on occasion, when she needed something. She felt guilty, so she knew she was doing something wrong. She was trying to stop herself when the urge would strike. It was hard because Elizabeth was really creative and Hayden had a hard time keeping up with her. Elizabeth’s family had more money than hers, despite the neighborhood they lived in. Her dad worked in the military. He had an important job that was also top secret. No one ever spoke about it. It was just a known fact. Hayden met Elizabeth in the tree fort behind their houses. It had been built over time, now serving as the hang out for the neighborhood teenagers. Occasionally, someone would sneak something up there that wasn’t allowed. It was an alcohol once. It was cigarettes another time. The girls were interrupted by an older Chinese lady. She started shouting at them in her dialect, then repeating herself in English “bad, bad!”. She made the girls rip up every single cigarette in the brand-new pack. They had been stolen from James. When he found out they were wasted, he wasn’t happy.

“What’s your theme for the day?” Hayden asked as she sat down with her legs crossed.

“I was going to prepare a page for this weekend.” She answered, beaming with excitement.

“That’s optimistic.” Hayden replied. Elizabeth shrugged.

“I’m bringing my dad’s camera. He said he’d get the pictures developed on Wednesday.” She boasted. Hayden nodded. That was one of the luxuries Elizabeth had. Anytime Hayden’s family took pictures with a disposable camera, it took 3 or 4 months before they got them developed. They were either too busy to get them developed or too broke to afford the cost. Hayden knew there was no point decorating a page for a party that she wasn’t even thrilled about in the first place. It felt like Elizabeth read her mind, tapping her on the knee.

“I’ll take a picture of you and Wayne, in case.” She winked. Hayden faked a smile.

“Thanks.” She mumbled. She felt obligated to stick to Elizabeth’s theme. She thought about the last party she went to. It was Amy’s birthday party. The crowd was much older than Hayden. She was one of the only younger girls there and she was only there to keep Jessica occupied. They got in trouble for drinking the punch after they were warned not to. Jessica threw up all night. Hayden was fine. She did not want a repeat of that party. She hoped Jessica wouldn’t make a fool of herself, but Jessica was well-known for being a walking disaster. Hayden really did not understand what Rob saw in her.