Forever And A Day

I owe you an apology, but I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I should start by apologizing for the way I am. I always said I never would, but age has made it clear that I’ve always been the problem. It was one of my greatest fears. I never wanted to look too closely behind the mirror. I knew exactly what I was going to see. The truth is ugly, but it was painfully clear: I am a total fucking train wreck. I owe an apology to every single person I’ve ever met. I can’t count on one hand how many lives I’ve improved. I’ve known I’ve made a bad impact on any that I’ve swooned. I can’t maintain a healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. I’m too wrapped up in the delusions that exist inside of my mind.

I don’t know if it’s funny or kind of sad, I only wanted to make you happy and give you the entire fucking world because I believed it was what you deserved. I’ve sent so many well wishes your way, I guess I hoped it would be reciprocated someday. I know that I wanted you to think about me, in the same way I think of you every single day. I wanted this obsession to go both ways because it would make me feel a little less insane. I know that I’ve been losing it for a while. You are still the one who makes me smile. Alone, I know that it’s bat shit crazy. But I think there’s something greater happening. I think there is a reason I feel this way. Or I’m just trying to convince myself anyway.

We’ve lived through so many time lines, shared so many of our lives. I wanted nothing more for this life than to settle down and be your wife. In another time line, I succeeded. In this one, I do feel defeated. But I know everything happens for a reason. I don’t have to understand to believe in it. I put my faith in a higher power. I prayed for strength when my emotions floundered. I’ve learned how to live with these feelings for you. You were the first love I ever knew. I’ve carried you in every relationship. I’ve made subtle comparisons. I didn’t always realize I was doing that, but it’s become fairly obvious. The shaggy brown hair and chocolate eyes that seem to bedazzle all my guys. You’re my type, what can I say? I’ll love you forever and a day.

I’ve thought about you a lot throughout the years. You always come back in waves. I’ll go years without thinking about you, even when I hear your name. Other times, it’s like a knife is being plunged through my soul. I’m afraid that I can’t seem to let you go.

I know most people would tell me I’m hung up on the past. I can’t miss something I’ve never even had. But the fact is I learned all I needed to know the moment you walked into the room. I was in absolute awe of your presence. I’ve never felt like this for anyone but you. I’ve been desperate. I’ve been clingy. I’ve been obsession. I’ve been deranged. I’ve held onto people I knew I shouldn’t hold onto. But there’s something different about you.

I never felt like I was holding onto the past. I felt like I was waiting on a future for us. It was never romantic, even if I hoped it would be. I just saw us as friends getting to know each other better. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I just wanted to see where this could go. I know that your silence was my answer. I can’t say it didn’t cause me to flounder. I really thought these feelings were here for a reason. That’s what I told myself, what I believed in. I thought there had to be a reason that I still felt so strongly about seeing you. How is that after decades, your smile still melts my very being? I said I saw the world in your eyes; What I meant was I saw infinite lives. I saw every possible outcome for us. I think I knew it would always end up like this.

I hold onto a feeling you inspired inside of me. It’s tied to youth, sure, but it’s much deeper to me. We were never a “puppy love” romance. We were something a bit more complicated. I knew the very first day we met, when we were mud-wrestling in the pool; you were something special. I couldn’t have known the depth, but I know what I felt. I know that feeling in my chest has never left. When I hear your name, I still feel that fluttering. Even though it’s not you being mentioned. It never is. We have no one in common. We have nothing in common. It never used to be a problem. I was hopeful that we never crossed paths. I always knew I’d fall apart at your glance. I just can’t take the way you look through me, when I wanted to be your everything. I never really had a chance to impact you the way I wished I could have. I left you with a bad taste instead.

If I could go back in time and erase myself from your mind, I think I’d take the opportunity. I don’t think I brought anything good into your life. You don’t remember me with the fondness I have in my mind. I think of you as absolute perfection. I can’t think of a flaw to mention. Your smile is the cure to all my ailments. Even if I feel guilty for looking at it. I’ve been told it’s fucking weird. I know. Like I said, I can’t let you go. It’s the strangest things that attract my attention. I don’t even get a mention. My therapist knew everything about you. She was the only person I could talk to. It was the first time I realized you were embedded into me. It was the first time I remembered our history.

I had pushed you out of mind for the longest time. I thought I finally had control of my mind. I thought I had put you to rest and left my wishes for the best. Then I started writing again and you were the thought in my head. You were the one that I wrote about. You are the reason for this sprout. You’ve inspired the greatest accomplishments in my life. Even the first book I wrote was to distract my mind. You had crept in back then too. I didn’t know what to do. So I thought I could write you out of my mind. I should have known there wasn’t a chance in this life. You’re so deeply rooted into everything I am that I couldn’t separate myself no matter how hard I tried.

At least I don’t look you up anymore. Your silence spoke way more than words. I knew you didn’t want to be in my life. I thought I’d be able to leave you behind. I thought it was closure that I needed in order to move on from everything I believed in. I thought your rejection would be harsh, but, I’d finally be able to heal from us. I had no idea that wasn’t possible. This is so much more than nostalgia. You were part of my core foundation. You were there when I chose who I wanted to be and when I decided everything that mattered. You were the one who encouraged me not to take other people so seriously. It took a few years for the lesson to stick, but I finally stopped listening. Unfortunately, that’s why I’m so lost in run-on sentences that have no cause. I’m not worrying about the reception anymore. I know that I have to let go of these words. I know that I have to let go of you. Writing is the only way I can get through.

I fought this calling for many years because of my internal fears. I was so afraid of what other people were going to say that I couldn’t put the words down for me. I stopped writing altogether. I didn’t even use my journal. The reason I picked this all back up? Because my feelings for you resurfaced. There was no reason that I can tell. I just felt my heart start to swell. I can recognize that feeling by now. It means you’re on my mind again somehow. I’d like to know why, but I don’t think I ever will. I think it’s one of life’s mysteries. It’s part of the thrill.

I’m trying to work through my laundry list of issues. Somehow it always comes back to you. It’s like you’re integral part of who I am. I’ll admit that doesn’t make much sense. I never really understood. We existed in childhood. You probably don’t even remember me. I just have a warped way of thinking. I anticipate how other people feel. I imagine situations that aren’t even real. I think so much of this obsession exists inside my head. I’m in love with the version of you I’ve created. I can see that it’s completely insane. I’m too crazy to love another human being. If I were going to fall in love and set of sparks, I’d choose a guy who wanted the fire. I wouldn’t throw myself at someone who already said they aren’t interested.

I can’t isolate the root cause of these emotions. When I think of you, it feels like I’m stranded in the ocean. I’m too tired to row myself back to shore. I can’t let go and drift under the current. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. It feels like I’m drowning when I think of you.

I had my fingers crossed when I started writing that this obsession would start to lighten. I hoped after enough words came out, I’d finally be free of that dark cloud. Instead, it seems to have only grown. It’s overbearing everything I’ve known. It wasn’t here before the flood gate opened. I don’t know when all of this started. I don’t know why you came back with such a thud. There is nothing between us. There never was. I wrote crappy poetry about you in grade 7. I thought being with you felt like Heaven. But it’s been 25 years now. I’m ready to let it all go. I’m ready to set a new standard. I’d like my poetry to be heard. I want to love someone who loves me too. I want the same sappy romantic shit as you. I was never exactly the expressive type, but if you had given me a chance, I know I would have tried. I’m a fiercely loyal girl. I would have tried to give you the fucking world.

I’m not even saying as a lover. I wouldn’t be any better than any other. I’m pretty average when it comes to relationships. But I follow my heart and try to do the right thing. No one will argue that I’m honest to a fault. It’s one of the best qualities in my personality vault. I’m upfront about the way I feel. I don’t like playing games it’s juvenile. When I was younger I used to be passive aggressive. Now I’m entirely too active about it. I’m called “emotional” by everyone. But I prefer the term “passionate”. I put everything I am into anything I’m doing.

I sound like I’m trying to pitch myself, like I was on a dating show. I promise that is not my intention. These are just thoughts I’d be better not left with. I want to ramble as much as I need to. I want to put those words out into the world. I don’t expect you to see what I write; but I can hope my wishes find a way into your life. I think of you as a doting man; as a husband, a father, even a friend. The thought of your happiness brings a smile to my face. I really do wish you the best. I apologize that I can’t put this to rest. It’s not like I’m trying to hold onto you. I think what happens is what was meant to. I think that you were a part of my life at a very instrumental time. I think I shaped who I became around the person I thought you wanted me to be. I can’t say I made a mistake with that. I happen to like the way I am. I know that I can be hard to handle. But I’m only human. At least I’m humble.

I always wished you the absolute best. It was never with me, not in my head. Reality was a cruel bitch, but she was always upfront about it. I knew you’d never be happy dating me. We were never meant to be. I thought there was a chance we could be friends, but I think I was delusional about that. It’s hard to know when you follow your heart. I end up with a lot of false starts. I end up getting hurt a lot of the time. But I think that is better than never even trying. I’d rather sit back with regrets than think of what-if’s. They both swirl in my head, voicing every mistake. Everything I’ve done wrong and all the things I didn’t do. At the base of it all, I find you.

You can call me crazy, but if you can’t explain it to me, then how am I supposed to change the way I feel about you? How do I stop my breathing from hitching in my throat? If you can tell me, I’ll happily let go. I miss the days I didn’t think about you, there was a time you never crossed my mind. I wish I could go back to those days, and leave it all behind. I wish you never crept back in, I wish I kept you out of mind. I could not have expected what happened this time.

I apologize for the millionth time that I’m even writing. I know that these words are not exactly inviting. I know that I am struggling. I know it’s not your problem. But these words are hard to ignore, aren’t they? I would have never done this if it weren’t for you. I owe everything I am to you. You inspired the first rhyme I wrote, and so many that followed. You are my greatest muse, always and forever.