Unhinged Journey to Self-Discovery

I've been using a blank notebook for this project since I started flipping my bedroom around. It's a bit more challenging because I can't write as fast, but, it's easier to stay on topic too. I find that typing makes it easy to get lost in the action. Writing by hand hurts. A lot. I'll still keep doing it for the Jason project. No sense in letting that see the light of day. It's filled with things I wish I could have said to him. Everything I wanted to tell him. Everything that didn't make it into the fictional work about the very real way I feel about him. I'm still pretty sure that he is transference for something I can't face yet. I sound like a broken record repeating that sentence. But it's true. It's not like I'm still in love with Jason. I haven't seen him in years. But, he represents something in my mind that I am still attached to and need therapy to overcome. I think. I don't know if I actually need the therapy. I think once I start to figure out what's causing the transference, it will start to work itself out. I started writing with no confidence about that. But now, I'm pretty sure. It's not like I'm holding onto these feelings because I think something is going to come of them. It's something else. It always was. I just can't find what he correlates to. I have no basis for the 2017 resurface. There was no reason for the 2020/2021 resurface. Then I made one of my stupid decisions to date and I've tried to stop keeping track of the years...

I'm sharing this because it shows where my head has been at.

I'm not in the best place, but it could be much worse. I've faced these problems before, but I wasn't as solution-oriented as I am this time. I was still holding on to the possibility before. That something could still develop in the future. I know it was crazy to even think that way back then. The longer the thoughts floated around in my head, the more connected I felt to them. The easier it was to believe the lies my optimism was telling me. I should say thank you to him. He finally broke through my delusional world and forced me to face the reality. This is never going to be. I have to let it all go. 

I think that's what I'm doing. I'm power-slamming a million projects that have always been on my to-do list somewhere. I'm throwing every word on the page, even when they don't fit right. I'm just moving them around from page to page until I get something that makes sense. Because I have confidence that this time, it will all make sense. This is what those feelings were hanging around for. It had nothing to do with the actual human being who inspired them. It is everything he represents in my mind, spirit, dreams... I just need to dissect it a little bit more and I think the reality will come to light. 

I'd ask you to be patient on this journey with me. I know that I've become completely unhinged. Part of that is the state of the world, realizing that no one really cares about anyone else and I can say whatever I want to. No one I write about is ever going to see what I've written about them. It really doesn't matter. But the other part of this whole journey is trying to let go, to release the anchors that are holding me back. In every form. In any way. To move forward without this attachment to the past... One day. I'll get there one day. I just have to keep making these unhinged decisions to put words into the ether. I'm shooting blanks, but that'll still hurt if you end up hit by one.