ODAAT: Volume 1, Chapter 29

 

Chapter 29

Words

I call Kathleen from the venue when we arrive. We make small talk about the weather here, the constant rain in December. She asks about my plans for Christmas. I tell her I'll be packing because we're moving to Illinois. Then I ask her if my stuff is still at Hunter's, if she got a chance to pack it up. She tells me that she did, but, it's at her place because she's no longer speaking to Hunter. She goes on to tell me that she caught him in bed with someone else. She admits she wasn't surprised, but had been hopeful that he had changed. We share a laugh over the phone about how some things never do. Then she goes on to tell me she's already met someone else. She thinks he might be the one, and she's going to meet his family for Christmas. She's a hopeless romantic, always was. She had no idea what she was getting into when she started dating Hunter. The lyrics to his music may sound deep, but it's too deep for any human being to reach. Game over, man. Game over.

There's a brief silence before she starts gushing about seeing me and Crystal on television. Last week, Crystal and I were on a television show in Twin Falls the day after the concert. They wanted to interview the two of us, since we had both been seen on the stage the night before. It isn't common that a back-up dancer is interviewed, but she started singing on stage with him too. They asked about our musical influences and about any training we may have had. Then went on to ask if we'd be making appearances on the new album. We didn't have an answer for that. He did, though. He has an answer for everything, saying he was working out the details with the producer. From the other end of the phone, Kathleen has started to sound like an average fan girl. I try and cut her short, telling her I have to get ready for the show tonight. She tells me she'd be here, but has her own performance first thing in the morning. I give her the number for the house in Illinois, compliments of the new home I've yet to see. I tell her that we're leaving in a week and she says she'll be at Crystal's on Tuesday. She hangs up, but not before adding a congratulations on my new life.

I shake my head, dropping the phone back on the table in the boardroom. They let me go upstairs to make the phone call. I'm famous by association and I can do whatever I want. I take my time heading back to the dressing room, mulling over the move in my head. I hope that Kathleen got everything, because I know Hunter won't want to see me again. Although, I have no attachments to my possessions, so I can just buy everything new. I open the door to the dressing room and freeze. I instantly make eye contact with the floor when I notice who is sitting on the couch.

I don't know if I should be happy or terrified. Part of me is reacting in both ways. I'm torn down the middle of excitement and freaking out. I am definitely leaning towards freaking out. I do my best to contain it on the outside as I move to sit on the couch across from him. I look over to the door, and he sighs.

“I asked for,” He pauses, trying to direct my attention to him. I look over, trying to give him as much as I can.

“I asked for a few minutes alone. No one is coming.” He finishes, looking back to the floor. I sigh.

“Why would you do that? I don't understand.” I question, crossing my arms over my chest. He's quiet.

“I just want to talk.” He assures, looking up from his hands. I nod, leaning back against the couch.

“I heard about what happened with Kathleen. I'd say I'm sorry, but, it was bound to happen.” I offer, trying to make small talk. He nods.

“I think I sabotaged it. Not intentionally, but, subconsciously, you know?” He mumbles. I nod.

“Yeah, you're good at that.” I know it's bitter, but the words find their own way out. I don't have to sugar-coat reality for him. He was always better bitter. He nods, knowing that he can't exactly argue me.

“I don't think I deserve to be happy, you know? And that girl, she deserves someone who knows how to put her first.” He continues and he has my complete attention.

“You do too. I could have never given you what you wanted. I was never a good enough person to deserve your love.” He pauses again, shaking his head. I would think it was manipulative, if it weren't for the fact that I know him. I know he genuinely believes it. For the first time since sitting down, I realize how small he looks right now. His facial hair is grown in, but rugged. He's got black bags under his eyes, which show every time he wrinkles his face to fake a smile.

“You look rough, Hunter. I mean, I've seen worse, but not on you.” I observe, leaning forward. He looks up, nodding.

“I know. I've let myself go these days.” He jokes, but he's not laughing and neither am I. There's another silence.

“The security guard was going to throw me out.” He adds, shaking his head. I raise my eyebrow.

“Why?” I ask, for the sake of conversation. He shrugs again.

“I'm known for making a scene these days. He didn't want me breaking anything, I guess.” He answers, trying to smile.

“How is that even possible?” I question, lightly laughing. He shrugs again, like nothing has changed. But I can tell, sitting across from him, that everything has. It feels like we're old friends, catching up, but there's a tension that shouldn't be there. It's awkward and uncomfortable. I can tell him all about my accomplishments. I can tell him all about the rush of singing in front of an audience or the warmth of having someone who actually cares. But I don't want to hurt him and I'm sure he already knows it all. He's seen the pictures of us online. He's watched some of the interviews on television.

“I went to the show in Nevada you know.” He announces, looking down at the ground. I nod slowly.

“Why didn't you come say hi?” I ask. He shakes his head.

“Didn't think you'd want to see me.” He dismisses, still avoiding eye contact. We're both quiet, but the silence doesn't last. He came to talk, not stare at the floor. Although, they seem to be pretty good friends.

He goes on to tell me about the mistakes he made during our relationship. That, he realizes what he did wrong now.

“I took advantage of your support and patience. Well, let's face it, I took advantage of you.” He jokes, but I can't bring myself to be pleased. I agree, wholeheartedly, but I don't want to say it out loud. I don't think that will help either of us to move on. He continues.

“You've inspired me to make a change. To throw a little more chaos into the mix. I want to work on myself, on all the things I've been neglecting over the years. I know what's important now.” He pauses, looking up at me. I feel butterflies creating a tornado in my stomach.

“I know it's just words. It won't make up for the years you spent living in my shadow. But, I'd like to see you be a part of my future.” He finishes. I bite the side of my lip, unsure of how to answer him. He's right. The words can't make up for what has happened between us. There aren't enough. The right ones don't exist. I don't know if I can be in his future because I can't let go of the past. A knocking on the dressing room door ends our conversation right there. I can't be happier because the room has felt like it was closing in since I sat down. I look from the door to Hunter.

“I've got a show to do.” I start, standing up and dusting my outfit off. We got to the venue late as it was because our sight-seeing in Nevada took a little too much time. Or it was because Clifford pulled over on the ride home to make us try this cafe on the highway. He stands up and reaches for my hand.

“Please consider it.” He begs. I look around the room, spotting a piece of paper. I quickly write down the same number I just gave Kathleen and put the piece of paper in his hand.

“Maybe I can come grab my stuff before we leave. We can talk then.” I offer, but he only laughs.

“Kathleen took that.” He informs me. I guess I have an advantage over him. I knew that already. He obviously doesn't know that I chose to keep in touch with Kathleen. That's nice. I wouldn't want him to think I was taking sides, though I am definitely taking hers. It's not even that I think she's a great and honest person. It's just that I know Hunter. I know his Universe is like a black hole and it becomes all consuming. You lose sight of yourself in his shine. I just feel bad she got sucked into his disaster, that's all.

On stage, I join the man who has been parading me around. Only, he doesn't give me the microphone like he usually does. We're not singing. No. Of course not. He's down on one knee, with Crystal jumping up and down behind him. Thousands of eyes on us. The spotlight. The music stopped so the audience has gone quiet, and everyone watching this televised concert can hear my response. A million thoughts rush through my head. My eyes look up, towards Crystal, who flashes one of the brightest smiles I've ever seen across her face. And I look over at Hunter, now standing beside the stage.

I think back to when he asked me to stay in that hotel room. I think of how many times I wished I could go back and say yes. Stay. Start over. But life isn't a fairy tale. There's no reset button. There's no flashing back or forward for more than a memory. And I'm so tired of being a memory to the one person I wanted to be the spotlight for.

I let my eyes lock with the man kneeling in front of me and the past few weeks flash in a montage. Every smile, every kiss. How it's never been about the words with him. He doesn't need them, because every thought is expressed through action. Maybe that makes him impulsive. Maybe I'll have trouble keeping up with all his sudden announcements. Maybe I'll go insane. But, it's about time I surrender my comfort zone. It's about time I do something self-serving. And I say yes. Because it's about time he finally got that yes.