ODAAT: Volume 1, Chapter 12

 

Chapter 12

Drifting Apart

I haven't spoken to Hunter since we got back from our short-lived paradise. Neither of us knew what to say, deciding it was best to say nothing at all. He left right away, heading to an acoustic set he had planned last month. He didn't ask if I wanted to tag along and I didn't ask if I could. I stayed home, he didn't come back and the next thing I knew, I was packing a second suitcase and heading here.

I can't say I mind. The air was getting thin and it was getting hard to see the point of opening my eyes. Here, it's like a second chance. I can't let myself fall too far off the wagon, because there are two people keeping an eye on me. No, what I do have a problem with is the lack of privacy here. It's not like his house, where there are far too many rooms for either of us to know what to do with. Here, it's three of us sharing one bed. We haven't been intimate since I got here. Or, rather, we haven't been intimate since he left Blake. Of course, everything has been crazy since. He stopped being home, for one. He started coming to Crystal's more, practically moving himself in. She didn't seem to mind. Nor did she mind when he started bringing me over as well. But, it's not because Crystal is almost always here. She only works part-time, but it's enough that we could catch a few hours alone if we wanted to.

“It's more than Crystal.” I observe, looking around at the empty apartment. He nods, slowly.

“I took initiative.” He answers. By which he means that he broke things off with Blake. Now, he's waiting for me to do the same, breaking things off with Hunter.

“I don't need to. We know where we stand.” I assure. I didn't need to use words to tell Hunter we were over. I didn't need to take action. He knew. It was obvious after our trip together that our homecoming was anything but. The words would have felt hollow anyway.

“It's not enough.” He mumbles, sounding like a disappointed child. I lightly laugh.

“So, you're withholding until we're officially broken up?” I ask for clarification. He sighs.

“I'm not withholding anything.” He argues, air quoting the words as he says them. I know that means that he is and just doesn't want it to be phrased that way.

“I just, don't think it's right.” He mutters, half under his breath so I hardly catch it. But I do. Apparently, when we were both cheating on significant others, it was fine. When the affair was mutual, there was less guilt. Now, he feels bad. Now, he doesn't want to act on anything until we're official. He wants confirmation that it's over with Hunter. I can't give him that because I can't face the confrontation myself.

It was different when he left Blake. Firstly, he only started dating Blake to pass the time. He never really loved Blake. He wasn't hoping for a future with Blake, though the same could not be said in reverse. I'm sure Blake thought all kinds of things about their future together. But it existed in his head, the way my future with Hunter existed in mine. Another difference is they weren't living together.

“The confrontation of breaking up requires moving out.” I inform him. It's not enough to have taken some of my stuff. I'd have to remove it all. I look over at him to add an emphasis to my issues. He's twirling a pen in between his fingers, occasionally writing something down on the formerly blank paper in front of him. I can see numbers and think he's rough-drafting dates. The tour is already planned. It kicks off on the 20^th. But knowing him, he's planning ahead, getting ready for the next one. Or maybe the dates have nothing to do with his upcoming performances. Maybe they are personal dates. I don't recognize any of the numbers he's scribbled down. He's doing it absentmindedly anyway.

“You can move in with me.” He insists. I look around at the crammed bachelor apartment we're lounging in.

“It's barely big enough for Crystal and her costume collection.” He laughs, following my view.

“I meant my house.” He corrects. I raise my eyebrow in his direction, but he only shrugs.

“I don't see why I would do that.” I argue. He laughs again.

“I don't see why you wouldn't.” He counters. I don't have a comeback for that. Maybe because I can see now that moving in with Hunter was a mistake. We were fine before I moved back in. We weren't perfect, but, we were functional. I think we were, anyway.

When we first met, we barely got a chance to talk. Luke was the subject of conversation long after he headed back to the hotel. Luke had agreed to sign Hunter's band onto his record label. Of course, Hunter was excited. I only stayed behind to see a friend of mine who lived in Nevada. But our conversation transitioned from Hunter's band to other bands. I tried to fill him in on the life that he would be living in the near future. I had already seen a few hectic tours myself and he seemed like a sweet kid. I wouldn't want him to go into this world unprepared.

Three years later, I went to one of his shows. He seemed almost floored to see me and he filled me in on everything the band had done in the last few years. I had just found out Luke was cheating on me (not the first time, or the last time, either), and was in a rough place. He invited me to join his band on tour and I accepted. That was back in 2009. His band was touring nonstop and he loved having me around. His band, on the other hand, wasn't thrilled about my addition to the tour. I moved in with Hunter in winter of that year. We were glued to each others' side, the way newlywed relationships are. I was in love. So was he. He was living out his dream and he wanted me to be a part of that. I knew the road and I knew the lifestyle, even better than him or his band did. But, there was a certain disappointment to having a girlfriend on the tour. It wasn't even his decision that I could no longer be a part of this life. His band voted, and the majority vote was that I was becoming a problem for the band. Of course, Hunter argued. But, he didn't win. I didn't want to come between him and his band anyway. So I went back to our shared home without any complaints.

That didn't ruin us. But his band couldn't have known those little things that Hunter and I shared. The little things that fell apart when we were no longer together. He needed me because I helped to ground him. I made the chaos of his lifestyle make sense to him. I gave him the courage and confidence to get out in front of thousands of people and pour his darkest secrets out into a microphone. I had also become his muse for writing, so when we were no longer together, his writing suffered. I would say the most, but what suffered the most was the trust we shared. It wasn't on my end. I knew where we stood. I knew that even though everyone was throwing themselves at his feet, I had his heart. It didn't even matter to me if he hooked up with someone here or there. I knew he had needs. I wasn't bothered by that at all. I had been around long enough to know the tour rules: Girlfriends don't exist. That's the rule. Always has been. Every tour with every band has been the same. Whoever you have waiting at home doesn't exist on the road. At first, Hunter was faithful. He didn't care about the rule. He was starry-eyed and madly in love. I appreciated the sentiment, but knew it wouldn't last long.

He let the thought creep into his head that I had been unfaithful. This was inspired by a rumor that I was sleeping with my friend Daniel. Now, I had joined Daniel on tour in Australia. His band needed extra hands and I was home alone and bored. We went back a few years and I trusted his band. Two of them were married with children, already passed the idea of heavy drugs and meaningless sex. It was a safe bet, on my end. But Hunter got paranoid. I told him I would never dream of cheating on him, but he didn't believe me. He didn't say it directly, but I could tell by his voice that he didn't believe me. We were in different countries and there was no way of knowing where the other was, aside from looking up tour dates. It was hard to arrange phone calls, because we were never in the same timezone. He was clueless. He couldn't know that all we did was drink a bit and play cards. It had to be one of the most boring, yet relaxing, tours I had ever been on. Hunter began to feel like we were drifting apart. To be fair, we were. But his insecurities let him believe that it was because of someone else, mainly Daniel. I tried to let him know that it was all in his head. But the words were different when they were spoken through a piece of plastic. If I had said them to his face, not breaking eye contact, he would have never second guessed this relationship. He would have believed me. But he didn't. Instead, I'd see him on television appearances with someone else on his arm. When he was asked about her, he'd say she was "just a friend". But I watched his lips as he spoke those words and the curl in his smile gave it all away. He was trying to make me regret what he thought I had done to him. Retaliation. But the thing about getting even is that no one really wins. Especially when there was nothing to retaliate on to begin with.

His lack of faith in our relationship led me to many regret-filled nights. I did end up having a brief relationship with Daniel. But, when the tour came to an end, I was convinced I could work things out with Hunter. I believed that he only strayed because he thought I had. I knew it was actions based in hurt. He believed I broke his heart and he thought it was fair to do the same in return. It makes no sense in hindsight. We should have just talked about the way we were both feeling. We could have gotten back on the same page. I don't think we ever did. We came close, somewhere in the middle of this chaos we called a relationship. He retired from music, which limited his window to be unfaithful and gave me a renewed faith in our relationship. But, it turned out that he had plans to settle down with someone else. That someone else wasn't interested in a future with Hunter.

I didn't know they had been together, I couldn't know that. I couldn't know that Hunter had been unfaithful for so long. I found out completely by accident and Hunter never found out that I ever knew. My disloyalty would hurt so much more if he knew who I was spending my time with. I was going to tell him. I was. I thought he deserved to know. Then I found out that Hunter was in love with him. I never meant to take that away from him either. If I had known, history would have been different. I wouldn't have given him the impression I was interested in him. Then, he would have stayed with Hunter and Hunter would have stayed happy. Their relationship ended because of me. Because he wanted to be with me, exclusively. Not Hunter. He wanted the chance, and he's been asking ever since. He has shown endless patience. He's kept his distance when I asked him to. He's been close when I needed him. He didn't care when I said I was going away with Hunter. Maybe because he knew what it meant, even before I was ready to admit it. I hoped three days in a hotel room was enough to kick-start the flame back into a burning disaster. The way it once was. We once were. But he's more realistic than I can let myself be. I think he knew the flame was already out, but we're just too stubborn to acknowledge it.

Flash forward 6 years later. We've had lifetimes under our belt together. We've broken up and got back together. He's cheated on me, and I've cheated on him. Still, we're making the exact same mistakes we've always made. We're both jumping to conclusions about one another without talking to each other. Like saying the words will make it hurt any more than it already does.

He's been waiting for the answer for too long.