ODAAT: Volume 1, Chapter 13

 

Chapter 13

Girl Talk

"He really loves you, you know." Her voice rings softly. I nod, absentmindedly with my hands wrapped tightly around my coffee cup. We're sitting on the living room floor of their apartment. Her legs are crossed and she's got her coffee cup sitting in the center. I've got my legs pulled to my chest, reflecting the defeat I feel inside. My cup is perched on my knees.

“I know he does.” I agree, for the sake of making conversation. My eyes look up from the floor, studying her attire this morning. She's wearing one of his t-shirts and it's practically hanging off her fragile shoulders. At least one of them, because it's bare. In place of the fabric is a tattoo Crystal has that stretches all the way down her back. It's one of many bigger pieces that she has. It's a string of assorted flowers from the back of her neck to her ankle, spiraling around different parts of her body to make an impact. For such a sweet and sincere girl, I must say that she makes a bold statement. Her fashion sense greatly contrasts her personality, leaving many people asking questions. She doesn't seem to mind the constant questions. She doesn't answer, either. She enjoys being mysterious, which is something we have in common. The more I get to know her though, the more I realize there's a lot we have in common. We both ran. We both keep running. She's now turned the conversation to her ex-boyfriend, David. She's telling me about how their relationship ended. He didn't do anything wrong. They were faithful to one another. But they were drifting apart.

“We had a business together, too. So there was extra pressure.” She adds. I nod along as she's telling her story. The breakup got messy, because of the business and the fact they lived together. She got a job right away taking as many hours as possible. She knew she had to pay the bills, they would be her responsibility.

“He saved me from that.” She adds, laughing as she looks around the apartment. She goes on to say that he seemed happy to take over and help her out. She was relieved, because it took some of the pressure off. She couldn't imagine being heartbroken and broke.

“I loved David. I did. But, I wasn't in love with him anymore, you know?” She finishes. She adds that to the end of her sentence, looking at me with hopeful eyes. Like I might. Maybe. Maybe I know what it's like to love someone, but not be in love with them anymore. Maybe she's baiting me to say it out loud and realize it for myself. But I already know. It's nothing new. But that doesn't invoke a sudden change of heart. That doesn't make me want to turn a blind eye to the promises I made to him and myself. I can't forget everything we've been through. If I can't forget, I can't walk away.

I knew Crystal was going to be biased. In my defense, I didn't set out to talk to her about this. We sat down for coffee when he left for work. He has a meeting with his management company before the tour actually kicks off. That's what he told me at least. He also wanted to make sure there would be no complaints if I decided I wanted to come along. I said I'd think about it, but largely couldn't be bothered. I can get my own place. Hunter never asked me to pay my own portion of the bills. So everything I earned and continued earning was my own. I mostly left it in the bank. I hardly buy food, because someone else is always willing to pay. I don't buy my own drinks when I go out, because someone is always offering. No matter what I need, someone is always offering. If I needed a place to crash while he was on tour, I could find one in a heartbeat. I could call up old friends too. I'm sure one of them might be willing to take me in. Whitney might enjoy having a live-in babysitter. But I wouldn't want to be a pain in the ass. They have their own lives. I need to do the same.

Crystal has stopped talking. She realized I wasn't really paying attention. I had been trying, I had. But my mind is too busy racing with thoughts about my uncertain future. My mind is busy racing with thoughts of an uncertain past, as well. I thought one could transition into the other, but it never happened. I guess it was never that realistic anyway. Too much time had passed. Too many lines had been crossed. We went from friends to lovers to complete strangers. I don't feel welcome in that house anymore. But, Crystal likes having me here. He doesn't want me to leave unless I'm leaving with him. I don't feel like I'm intruding here, which says more about being here than there. I feel like I'm intruding when I'm at Hunter's. Even if it is just to grab more of my stuff.

I took the calendar down, brought it here. I had to. I had to take it with me. I can't go anywhere without it, because it has all my due-dates on it. I can't miss those dates, no matter what is going on in my personal life. I have to maintain professionalism to some degree, after all. I wish I could just throw it all out. Walk away. But, I still need to make a living. I wonder if he noticed. If it struck him the way it should have. I can't go anywhere without that calendar, he knows that. But as long as it was there, it meant I was coming back. Now that it's gone, it means I am too.

My eyes look past Crystal, at the couch. She slept on it last night, so there's a blanket draped over the arm and a pillow resting against it. She had gone out, rolling in after 4 am. So, part of it was out of respect for the two of us, who were already asleep. But I think it's more than that. I think she's trying to make a statement. She wants me to feel comfortable here. She's trying to make me feel welcome in their home. As she gets me another coffee, I realize, she already has.