ODAAT: Volume 1, Chapter 16

 

Chapter 16

Pre-show Nerves

Crystal stretches her legs across the couch we're sitting on. The venue has a massive lounge, clearly intent on having big names and many stars. Since everyone else is busy getting ready for the show, it's just the two of us. For the most part. We're occasionally joined by a girlfriend of the band, since it is a home show. There are cousins and relatives everywhere. It's feeling more like a family reunion than a concert. At least, that's what Crystal said. I've never been to a family reunion, so I wouldn't know. Reunions require an initial union. I don't even know my second parents' name.

I've told Crystal all about Hunter's invitation to the show tonight. She started asking a handful of questions, mostly relative to the history of me and Hunter. So I humored her for a while. I told her some stories about the good old days. Maybe they are all rose colored memories, considering what our present is. The little things suddenly feel so much more important than they were at the time. For instance, Hunter used to come home every night. Then, if I couldn't sleep, he'd get back up with me. We'd head into the living room, where the fireplace we once had would sit and crackle. He'd tell me about his day, rambling in depth because he knew that was exactly what it would take to slow my brain down. We'd sip homemade hot chocolate. Or we'd enjoy tea, but that was only when his stories didn't work to tire me out. Those were the days. Once upon a time, we were so in love. She asked about how we met the first time and I told her about Luke. I told her about Hunter's self-promotion and how it brought us to that show after the tour we were on. I told her about the show, later, in New York. When I found myself watching Hunter's band, I didn't have a backstage pass for that show. I didn't know anyone special. It was completely coincidental. But, I felt like it was the Universe’s way of lining up the stars. So I paid a security guard backstage almost $500 to get a backstage pass. That's three times what they cost for that particular show, but I knew I had to pull out all my cards to get there. I had to see him, shake his hand, hear his voice. It was like something inside of me came back to life. I tell her about the first tours, the blissful happiness and everything between. Then I tell her all about his foolish insecurities. His belief that I had been unfaithful, which led him to retaliate and led me to a few mistakes. Only, I can't quite bring myself to see them as such. But, hindsight is clear. At the time, they certainly felt like mistakes. The kind of mistakes we never bounce back from.

I gave her all the details of our history, but left out any of the emotion. She wants a time line, to understand the impending confrontation. She doesn't want to hear about how in love I was with Hunter. Mostly because she knows that despite all of our history, I still feel exactly the same.

Then she asks about how it all began with him. I always had a thing for rock stars. When we met the first time, he was a roadie. He was a nobody. When it came time for the reunion tour, he had made a name for himself. He had been in a band, that had since fallen through. But his music was played on the radio and he was recognized in public. There was so much press around because of the reunion and because of him. It was hard to believe the story never got out when we were seen holding hands. She smiles when I tell her this story, like it was destiny. She smiled through my introduction to Hunter as well. She might think I'm the luckiest girl in the world. She might also think I don't know how good my life has been. If you take out the glaring continuity errors, I couldn't agree more. But somehow, I can't bring myself to feel lucky.

I didn't expect things to happen between the two of us. I was drunk, upset about moving to Illinois and nothing working out. He was there, open and willing. I didn't think twice when he offered to take my mind off of everything. I went for it. For him. I expected the morning after to be the kind you hear about in movies. Although, I couldn't sneak off, because we were still traveling together. But, I expected he'd be gone. He wouldn't bring it up. We'd pretend it didn't happen, for the sake of ourselves and everyone around us. I expected him to feel bad about my drunken state of mind, or for myself to regret having cheated on Hunter, again. I could have expected anything, really. But, I know now that you can't expect anything from this man. He's unpredictable. He always was and always will be. No, that next morning came as a shock. We woke up in bed together. There was no awkward conversation about what had happened. Instead, we went out for coffee at a local cafe wherever we were. Anyone could have seen us together, holding hands and laughing. Paparazzi could have snapped pictures of him and his new fling. The same pictures and stories could have made their way back to Hunter, who might have showed up on the tour to confront me. None of that happened, though. No one saw us except the people who would have found out. The band knew. Friends knew. No one else had to. That first morning, he said to me I don't normally do this sort of thing. I laughed, because that's a line that people use when this is exactly what they do. I would be wrong to have that expectation too. But at the time, I hardly knew him. I'd learn that he was a free-spirit who just did whatever felt right in the moment. He wasn't worried about ruining his personal relationships. He wasn't worried about the stories that might spread. He did what he wanted, when he wanted. He was unlike anything I could have prepared myself for. Over breakfast and coffee, we laughed. He made cheesy jokes and the more he smiled, the more my heart melted into my stomach. The butterflies started fluttering every time we made eye contact. It never faded. As that tour kept going, the connection kept building. So, when the tour was over and we were heading back to Illinois, he asked if we could keep seeing each other.

Then I found out about Hunter and him. Then Hunter found out I had been cheating. I couldn't bring myself to leave Hunter in that state of mind, so I turned down the offer. I was determined to help Hunter move past the heartbreak. It was foolish, but my head was set on that path. Then, we moved from Illinois to New York. That confirmed my belief that we had only moved there so Hunter could be closer. I didn't mind going back to New York. So many of my friends were there, from the last time I had lived there. A month later, I realized that Hunter was still sleeping with someone else. I tried to see that it was a response to his heartbreaking. But, that didn't mean I had to stand around and feel my own break as well. I started to regret not staying in Illinois. So I called Luke, mostly to find out if he was still around. He wasn't, but Luke and I ended up getting back together. I left Hunter to his own devices, mainly the woman he replaced me with already. It was a peaceful couple of months, until Luke was throwing a Christmas party. He invited all of his friends, including Hunter, who denied the invite. He knew where I was. He didn't want to see me. Although he could have showed up with his girlfriend Kathleen. Hunter didn't. But, he did. He laughed about how I had ruined us for nothing then. I didn't hesitate to remind him that there never was an “us” to begin with. There were no hard feelings though. We caught up and went our separate ways. We had to. He had moved to California, where he was living with his boyfriend, Blake. So much had changed in four months, it was hard to believe. But, he did leave me with his phone number, in case I was ever in town.

Crystal listened to the whole story, but it seemed as though she wasn't paying any attention. I couldn't blame her. I wouldn't listen either. It was boring and contrite. A girl who was too confused about a blossoming love and too stubborn to walk away from what had already died. It's still painful to think even then, what I shared with Hunter was already gone. Either way, Crystal paid more attention that I would have asked her to. Even if she was the one who wanted details. Then she tips her head to the side at the end of a long silence and stares at me for a minute. I feel like she's seeing me in a new light.

“Did Hunter ever find out about the two of you?” She asks. I shrug.

“I never told him. Maybe he put it together. Maybe he didn't. It's hard to say.” I dismiss. I've never asked Hunter about it. I never would. I couldn't bring myself to dig up skeletons.

“Do you think he knows now?” She hints, her eyes looking towards the door that leads to the stage. I nod slowly, finishing what is left of the beer in my hand. I've gone through six of them during my story. I put the empty bottle on the table, beside the only one she's finished.

“I think he's put it together, yeah.” I agree. There's another silence and I continue rambling.

“I think that tour was the final nail in the coffin that holds this relationship anyway. Although, if you had asked me last week, I might have denied there was a final nail at all. I can't deny that now, it's dead. The look on his face when I gave him that ticket, the confusion. He must have thought about how the two of us even knew each other. It wouldn't take a genius to figure out.” I finally pause.

“Do you think he's going to show up tonight?” She asks, jumping off the couch. I can't move my eyes from the ground. They are having a staring contest with the tiles and somehow, I get the feeling I'm going to win. One of her bony hands lands on my shoulder and I pull my eyes from the tile. She's wearing three rings on each of her fingers. Plain silver bands and some with diamonds decorating the bands. Her hands make a rattling sound whenever she moves that is similar to loose change at the bottom of a cluttered pocket. She's moving towards the mini fridge against the far wall of the room. She pulls out two bottles, popping the caps off against the fold out table covered in mini sandwiches. I'm impressed by her ability to angle the bottles just right. It's not hard, but she does it effortlessly. Within seconds, she's walking back towards me, holding one of the bottles in my direction. I take it from her, nodding to say thank you. She doesn't sit back down on the couch. She stands still, waiting near the entrance. I wonder why, but I don't have to for long. He comes bursting through the door, smiling like a maniac. She hands him the bottle, then sits down on the back of the couch.

“Is Hunter coming?” He asks, wasting no time. I look him up and down, taking in the stage attire. He looks like Lestat, from the Anne Rice novels. He's even got the undeniable sex appeal and the blood lust it would seem. He stretches his arms up over his head, fully extending them. I watch the muscles in his stomach ripple as he's doing this. He's not wearing a shirt, because he'd only sweat through it. In fact, the dent in the middle of his chest has already collected a small pool of it. He never wears a shirt during the sound check. Before he heads on stage for the performance, he'll be wearing a black t-shirt and a suit jacket. The color depends on his mood, so no one would know until he walks out on stage. The first show sets the wardrobe for every show that follows. Usually, he plans this kind of thing ahead of time. But, understandably, his mind is somewhere else. The lower half of his body is leaving little to the imagination. He's wearing fake leather jeans that have a definitive outline of his crotch.

“She doesn't know. She didn't ask him. She just told him that you wanted to see him, asked for him to come along.” Crystal explains so I don't have to trouble my brain with an explanation. I had already told her Hunter's response long before I went into details about our history. She stands back up, looking over at me. I nod, realizing she wants to be dismissed. She nods in return, smiling sweetly as she darts towards the door. Her hand briefly touches his arm as she's passing him. I know that she wants to mingle. It's practically her life mission. She loves meeting new people and catching up with old friends. She knows many of the people who are hanging around the venue. As much as she wanted to go, she didn't want to leave me alone. She is so thoughtful, there should be a constant thought bubble above her head. She is so sweet she causes cavities in the teeth of everyone she meets. She is perfection, in every sense of the word. Bless her soul for waiting until someone else was there to deal with my pre-show nerves. It's funny how nervous I am, when I'm not even going out on that stage. No. My nerves are because the stage is coming to me.