ODAAT: Volume 1, Chapter 17

 

Chapter 17

Backstage

The crowd has already poured in from all sides of the venue. We're walking hand in hand as he's introducing me to everyone who is of any importance. The stage crew already know who I am, from the many times I've been to this venue on the arms of someone else. Or the die hards know that, at least. I can only imagine what is going through their minds. They must think I make a habit out of hooking up with rock stars, then simply toss them aside, like it never mattered. They couldn't know it's more like the opposite. Every rock star I've dated has done that to me. Tossed me aside like I didn't matter, moved on without actually telling me. Luke set the bar and so far, everyone has lived up to it. Or down, depending on your sense of direction. But no one is asking about Luke. No one is asking about Edward or Noelle. They are all asking about Hunter. It's a home show, after all. I could have seen any of these people out getting coffee with Hunter last week. Well, not last week. But, last month, maybe. It's been a crazy couple of weeks since he demanded I left Hunter. I can't even keep track of time anymore. I'll admit, part of that is because I don't need to remind myself how long we've actually been over for. Now, he's dismissing every question that gets asked about Hunter. He wants me to be known as his girl. He's making that obvious. I haven't even given him a real answer yet, but he's taking the one he wants. I can't say I mind. What's the worst that could happen? He doesn't have a band, so there can't be a "no girlfriend" rule. He doesn't listen to what other people say, so he won't hear rumors about who I'm spending my nights with. Plus, he's confident in himself and this relationship. He won't have insecurities sneak up on him and ruin what could be a good thing. I have nothing to worry about as his girlfriend. That's what he keeps telling me, at least. But Crystal echoes them whenever he's not around to hear her. Whenever he is around, she plays the role of mediator. She takes my side and says it's too soon. That Hunter and I have been through too much to expect I just move on. She says she feels bad for Hunter, even if he made this bed he can't get comfortable in. But, as soon as he's out of earshot, she's singing the opposite tune. She tells me that I've given Hunter too much time, too much thought. She says there's no time like the present to welcome the future. Then she says I obviously know what I want, or I wouldn't be here.

Those words have been echoing through my head since she said them. I wouldn't be here. Why am I here? Why am I shaking hands and introducing myself as someone I'm not?

Crystal once told me that we don't always run from ourselves, but to ourselves. That sometimes, when we run away from everything we had, it's to get closer to everything we want. She told me that when she explained the story about running away from home. No one understood why she left, because she seemed to have a functional family. But, there was something missing in her life. Something she felt was keeping her from reaching her potential. She said that she wanted to find that something. She wanted to meet a different side of herself. She wanted to be someone she could smile at in the mirror. She didn't want to be so afraid of her reflection anymore. So she left. She never looked back. She eventually found exactly what she was looking for, too. Her story resonated with me in a way. I've long stopped recognizing my own reflection. I don't recognize the shape of my face. I don't recognize the color of my hair, or the length that's barely manageable. The green eyes I see in the mirror aren't mine. They belong to someone else. Someone who is deeply hurt and eternally confused about where the pain is even coming from. I don't recognize the hand around my throat, even if it is my own. Yet, I find myself recognizing the person shaking hands and making introductions. I feel well-acquainted with the smile that's now spreading across my face. It feels natural. It feels right. If being here with him is what makes me feel like myself, I should seek out more of that feeling. That's what Crystal would say, at least. He would just smile, letting my soul melt into a little puddle. Then he'd collect the fluid on the concrete floor and turn it into ice cubes. Then he'd put them into my drink, so I'd be complete again. He's fairly confident he can keep doing this for as long as I'm willing to let him. I'm not entirely sure he's right, but I'm in no position to argue him. I want to tell him he's wrong, but when I go to say the words, my lips curl into a smile instead. Maybe because I know he isn't.

This could be my life again. It's all I've ever known, but I gave it all up in the hopes that Hunter and I would settle down, become normal people. I wanted so badly for things to work out between the two of us. I forgot how much I disliked being a normal person. I thought stepping into the shadows would give us space from the light. To allow space from our problems and past mistakes. To demonstrate we were coming to an understanding. In the end, it gave us space from each other. He thought I wanted space from him. He took my understanding and patience to be dismissive. Those god damned insecurities of his literally tore this relationship apart. I was too hurt and too far in denial to do something about it. I just stood back and watched the fire that once kept us together go out. It burnt even more in the last moments of dying than it ever had when it was burning bright. It's funny how pain hurts the most in the last seconds. Removing the offending object begins a healing process, but not before the sudden shock. In the end, the healing hurts more than the cause.

Neither of us were meant to live in the shadows of silence, too used to the lights of chaos.

He kisses my hand as he lets go. He has to get on stage, since the show is about to start. His hand is replaced with Crystal's, dragging me along with her to get a better view. She wants to go to the ceiling floor. I want to stay on the stage. We're led by a stage hand to meet both our requests. There's a balcony right above the stage. It's only open to VIP holders, so we can avoid getting stuck with the fans and the average chaos. We're completely private, since there is no VIP option for this particular concert. Still, we get a great view of the show. He looks up and makes eye contact once or twice during the first song. Crystal has started talking about how much she misses being on tour. She's talking about how much she loves seeing new places and meeting new people.

“The food is my favorite part. You would think that it's universal across the states, but it isn't. Each state seems to have a dish that is exclusive and delicious. Well, most of them are delicious.” She adds.

“You should travel abroad.” I offer, hardly paying attention to her. She smiles brightly enough to draw my attention over to her. I don't know how she can compete with the stage.

“You know, he's invited me on this tour with him.” She continues, looking back down. I follow her view. He's dancing across the stage in what can only be described as a chicken going gorillas. He moves like an albatross or a flamingo. His long legs dancing forward before the rest of his body can even catch up. But he's having fun with it. I can see his smile from here.

“We'd be leaving tomorrow morning, traveling to New York by Christmas.” She continues. I nod again.

“I've been on too many tours to count, myself. But, I think it would be fun to be, you know, free. The last few tours I was on I had to earn my keep. You know guys in bands. They seem to think women are property instead of people. It was degrading, but, I had to do what I had to do, right?” She pauses. I nod, looking back over at her. Her eyes aren't towards the stage, but the ceiling. It's like she's picturing the sky and everything beyond our eye sight.

“I know.” I agree.

“It would be like, getting to explore the world. No expectations. Just us and the open road.” She pauses again, now looking over at me. I know what she's doing. She's waiting for an answer. I pretend to be enthralled by the show, but her words are sinking in. I've toured, as a roadie. I've been able to see so many shows, but I've also been a part of them. I've never been able to sit back and watch the magic. I've never been able to relax in a dressing room getting drunk and high with a bunch of other rock stars. I've never seen the casual side of touring, only the chaos. I wonder what this would feel like every night. My silence encourages her to start talking again.

“I would love to go along on this tour, you know.” She starts again.

“So go.” I offer, still pretending to ignore her. It doesn't seem to discourage her at all. She's still smiling, lost in her own world.

“I'm just worried. He's going to be busy a lot, between the shows and the press.” She argues. I know that she's right. He's promoting an album that came out last week or the week before. He's going to be swarmed with interviews, both radio and television. He may even have to do a couple for magazines and newspapers. Those always involve photo shoots as well. The whole PR business is time consuming, even though he has a decent manager. His manager is fairly competent when it comes to getting him time to relax. But, he doesn't want time to relax. Crystal doesn't care if he has a break between interviews and shows. She's only saying it because she'll be,

“So bored waiting for him to wrap up.” She mumbles, more to herself. I sigh, shaking my head. She's only quiet for a minute before she finally comes out and says,

“I'd tour with him if you were coming too.” She's got a smoothness to her voice that reminds me of blended cream. She even has the bubbles in the form of an excitement I'm surprised she can contain. She's trying to sweet talk me, make me feel guilty enough to agree. The worst part is that it's working.