ODAAT: Volume 1, Chapter 21

 

Chapter 21

Being Me

I can't help thinking about the path I've been on and the dead end I've reached. I thought I was headed in the right direction, but everything I thought I knew turned out to be wrong. I thought I was learning from our past mistakes, but everything I learned only served as a reminder of what went wrong. I think everything went wrong. I think Crystal was right: Don't ask questions. She said, we just have to enjoy the ride and not worry so much about the destination. I think I spent too much time considering how we were going to end up. I didn't even realize how far apart our path had taken us from each other. But, seeing Kathleen in his house for the second time, it became clear.

There's turbulence as the plane takes off from the runway. I can't deny that a part of me is smiling at the idea of it going down. I know that Crystal doesn't want to die. She's just getting her life back together and she's more excited than she's been in a long time. I don't want to take anyone else down with me when I do go. That's not fair. That's not my choice. I want my death to be quick, and oh-so-painful. There's no sense burdening others with my selfish wish for demise. Besides, I'm not in a rush to die either. It may feel like the end of the world, losing everything I had with Hunter. But I know that where one road ends, another begins. In life, there are no real dead-ends. Not if you choose to look on the brighter side. At least, I know that's what Crystal would say about it. She's determined to help me see the error of my ways. More so, the negativity that I attract to myself and those around me. She wants to help me see the more positive side of everything. I tried to tell her that I used to see things that way. There was a time I wasn't so jaded. A time I was filled with hopes and dreams and ideas. I used to be willing to fight for anything. But, after too many fights... So. Much. Fighting... I couldn't muster up the energy to keep going. So I didn't. I sat down and watched the world spinning around me. I watched my love fade, my life become meaningless and my dreams die. I feel like everyone reaches that point in life, but she hasn't gotten there yet. She says she never will, too. I don't know if she's right, but a part of me wants to believe that she is. To believe that it's possible to just keep fighting, even when it all feels pointless. She's passionate about never giving up on the things you want in life.

I don't know how she has managed to keep such a positive out look. I know that she didn't always have it. She's shared stories of her miserable past, told me about her thoughts on giving up. Once upon a time, she didn't have the drive to move forward. She settled into what she knew, what was available to her. She thought her dreams were pointless and she was never getting out of her miserable life. Then she did. She said she'd never give up again. No matter how bad things got for her, she'd find a way to keep moving forward. She's been wandering through life with no real purpose ever since. She doesn't have a career or a permanent home. She doesn't believe anything is permanent. She says there's a freedom to that. If everything is temporary, we need to take advantage of everything we have. From money to people to time. She couch-surfed until she met David. When he found out she was homeless, he insisted she move in with him. She worked at bars that didn't ask questions. She was always paid in cash. There are many people who would think of her as less fortunate, but she believes her lifestyle is uplifting. I don't know how she can be so confident when she doesn't know how she's getting her next meal.

“I don't think about it that way.” She answers.

“What way? Normal?” I ask, struggling to get on the same page. She bounces all over the world, both in her head and in her body. I doubt the two have really seen each other in quite some time. They'd be like strangers if they ran into each other on the street. She seems to like it better that way. No one else seems to notice. It's not me, though. I have to think about tomorrow. I have to think about when I get to eat next or where I am sleeping. I can't just saunter through life. When I left home, I had planned to. I had fallen in love and knew what the future held for me. I had security. I had certainty. But I lacked the genuine happiness I thought came with finding love. I think I did something wrong along the way. She left home with none of the above, but she was happy about her lack of a future. The more I think about Hunter, the more I realize we were never truly happy. We were happy enough, but it was nothing compared to the happiness Crystal radiates. Her bright eyes compete with the stars in the sky on even the clearest of nights. Her smile is so wide that she's being ushered through the airport because the staff is afraid it's going to break something otherwise. To her, happiness lies in the freedom of oneself. For me, happiness was nothing more than a charade. This is the real goal to set in life: Freedom.

“I'm going to teach you.” She assures me, recalling a conversation we had the other night. I laugh.

“Oh, what? How to take things less seriously?” I mock, but she nods like I was serious.

“I've been uptight forever. It's never going to change.” I dismiss, shaking my head. She smiles.

“It can and it will. Because you're going to let it.” She asserts. I don't know if she's right. Last month, I wouldn't consider it for a second. But, somehow, I feel her energy pouring into my tired soul.

I traded everything I knew, everything that brought me comfort in my earlier days. Traded it all for laughing at nothing more than the ceiling. I traded a home for hopelessness. A partner for a lover. I traded misery for something genuine. Hopeless but happy. Doomed, but more excited to get out of bed than I ever was when I knew everything. Ready to go, to take on the world, in a way I could never be when I had everything figured out. That uncertainty brought a freedom I never would have guessed was there. A freedom that has lifted my spirits and tricked my heart into reviving hope. And what is this weird sensation washing over me? What is this cloud that feels like it's been lifted? Before I know it, I'm being ushered through the airport too. If there were people around, they would be snapping pictures. My face has never seen a smile this big. Then again, I'm fucking tired of being me.