ODAAT: Volume 1, Chapter 26

 

Chapter 26

Bright Lights

By now I should know that nothing they do is unplanned. Even when it seems like Frankie is making it up as he goes along, he had the ideas already. The reason Crystal dressed me up in New York was because she knew he wanted me on stage as well. Although, I wouldn't be dancing in the background, invisible to the audience. No. I was in the middle of that stage, illuminated by the bright lights and the size of his smile as I joined him. It's been 10 days since that concert, but he's had me on stage with him every night to sing a particular song. He might have never known I knew how to sing. I never told him I took vocal lessons when I was a kid. I never told him I wanted to be a singer when I was young. But, Crystal overheard me singing in the hotel room in Georgia. I thought she had left to go shopping, but, she had to come back to grab her purse. Then, she told Frankie, who said he could make me a star. I argued that I had moved past that dream.

I'm not ungrateful for this chance, though. I am happy to have a change of scenery. I'm happy to have supportive friends and a love that genuinely wants me around. I also know how much it means to Frankie to have the two of us on this tour with him. He's taken every chance to introduce me to everyone. I think, just because he can. His relationship with Blake was under the radar, but it wasn't by choice. Frankie would have been comfortable with coming out, but Blake was afraid of the reaction his family might have. He was still in the closet about his sexuality. It happens to some people. They are so afraid of what other people will think of them that they can't be honest with themselves. Of course, I don't blame Blake. It's different to announce a gay relationship. Blake could have been faced with a backlash that might have included violence and humiliation. I doubt that I face the same repercussions. I wouldn't know what it felt like to be in his shoes. He was in love, but forced to keep his mouth shut about it. So, Frankie hasn't had the chance to parade his relationship around in public. I gave him that chance, simply by being me. Although, I am just as afraid of all the attention as Blake was.

I think his band probably hates us now. We've been a handful on this tour. We got thrown out of the bar the night of the Halloween party because two guys were fighting over Crystal. Then in Georgia, the same thing happened. Luckily for us, he only has a touring band. Unlike Hunter, he doesn't have to consider their opinions. It's not a democracy, it's a dictatorship and he is the ruler. If they don't like what he's doing, they can leave. There's a line the length of the Great Wall for talented musicians who want to play alongside him. They don't care about his little sister or his girlfriend. They'll put up with the drama and chaos if it means association with such a famous musician.

There are now dozens of people clamoring around to get my attention. A news reporter wants my autograph for her daughter. An assistant wants my photograph for his son. But, my attention isn't there to be given. Right now, my mind is in a pristine hotel room that overlooks the ocean with a seashell filled shore and him. I know it's because I miss him. I only told Crystal in passing that he was on my mind. She said it was alright if I called him. She said it wouldn't make me weak. But, she told me I had to know I was calling him for the right reason. Did I miss him? Or did I miss what I thought we had? She said I can't go backwards into my comfort zone because it's dangerous. It was hard not to carry Jesse's words across the state line. I know that he's right. My pawn shop heart traded up. But I can't bring myself to see it that way.

We haven't even talked about our relationship. I have no idea where he sees this going, or where he expects me to see it. I don't know what the plan is once the tour is over either. I find I don't know anything when it comes to Frankie. I think he does that intentionally. He's all about the impact, which is exactly why this Illinois interview has been such a shock.

Crystal and I came along to show our support. We were standing behind the cameras with the over-eager crew running around us like animals at the zoo. The interview was typical, with the reporter asking about the album that had just come out. She asked a few questions about the writing process and what his future plans were when it came to the music. Then, about halfway through the interview, she asked about his love life. By now, everyone knew I was the new love interest. Since he has never had a public love interest, this sparked an obscene amount of curiosity. The gossip websites all posted pictures of the New York concert and me on stage. Some of them even caught the shocked look on Jesse's face as he stood off to the side. When the interviewer asks him about his love, he looks over to where Crystal and I are standing. Before I even know what is happening, there's someone ushering me onto the stage. There's another chair being added beside him and I sit down in it. I find myself looking over at Crystal, who just waves and smiles widely. The bright lights above my head are too hot and I feel like the room is caving in on me. He reaches over and takes my hand in his. I look over at him and feel myself beginning to smile.

“So, is this the girlfriend?” The interviewer asks, motioning towards me. I find my eyes looking at her, then back at Frankie. He smiles in my direction, then nods to answer the question.

“Yes, she is.” He agrees verbally. There are people who wouldn't see him nod, and he wants everyone to know.

“How long have you two been together?” She goes on to ask. Frankie shakes his head, looking up at the ceiling.

“It's hard to keep track of something that feels eternal.” He answers, gaining an “aww” sound from everyone in the audience. I keep my mouth closed, but put on a fake smile.

“And how did the two of you meet?” She asks, trying to get the story. He's been asked once or twice by reporters backstage. But, he said he was waiting for the right time.

“We met a few years ago, after a show.” He starts, looking over at me. I nod, still smiling, and look towards the cameras. Frankie begins telling his story of a night I don't remember at all. Meanwhile, the interviewer is hanging on to every word he's saying. So is the audience. I can see Crystal making faces too.

“We met after a show in California a few years ago. I was a roadie for the band at the time. It was just after mine fell apart.” He pauses, gaining a nod from the interviewer. I look at her name tag to see it says Karen on a gold pin, thanking her for 15 years at the station.

“I recall reading about that.” She agrees. He nods.

“It wasn't a big tour, not a well-known band. They were just hitting 5 cities in California, before heading back to the East coast, where the band was from.” He pauses again, to make sure everyone is following along with his story. I am trying to follow, but I don't remember that night at all.

“I was loading the drum set into the back of the run-down van the band was traveling in. She was standing outside, looking around. I thought she was lost, so I went to offer her help.” Another pause. A few audience members are clapping. He looks over at me and winks. I smile, looking back down.

“She wasn't lost though, just waiting for her brother. He happened to be the guitarist in the band. We got to talking while we waited. It was short-lived, but I knew even then.” He pauses again. The audience breaks into hollering and cheering. Karen nods, smiling widely as she watches us. I tune out the rest of the conversation, but I briefly hear him talk about the love songs he wrote for me. He says the songs weren't exclusively about anyone, but there were hidden messages in every one, even when it seems like they are random.

“My own confessional.” He adds, pausing again. My mind goes back to the white van outside of that venue in California. I don't recall because that's not exactly how it happened. The crowd eats up the story as the interview ends. Karen jokes that everyone wants to find what we have, and she hopes they do. Then she wishes us the best in our future and the audience cheers again. But he's not telling the story the way it actually happened. He's leaving out a few important details.

He was a roadie, that much is true. But it wasn't for a small band that would break up shortly after. It wasn't on a 5-show tour, either. He was a roadie for Hunter's band back in the fall of 2010. It was after the no-girlfriend rule, but since it was a local show, I went out to show my support. Hunter wasn't happy to see me and he was acting dismissive and distant. The entire band hated me because I did get upset when they announced the no-girlfriend rule. So, I felt out of place at that show. I ended up talking to Frankie off-stage, mostly about music and the tour life. He asked if I knew the band, I mentioned being familiar with Hunter. But, I never told him I was dating Hunter and he didn't find out until years later. Our conversation ended up referencing Hunter's current relationship. Frankie seemed curious about his preferences and how he handled his emotions. I noted that Hunter seemed distant and Frankie told me he was fighting with his significant other. He didn't mean to share that information. But, he did. That night changed the course of our relationship. That was when I started to realize Hunter had been unfaithful. That's when I decided to go with Danny to Australia. That's when Hunter decided I was unfaithful to him.

In hindsight, we were trying to get information from each other. We were too blind to see what was so obviously in front of our eyes. We were both dating Hunter and he lied to both of us.

For a split second, I think about Hunter watching this interview. But, I doubt he'd be watching an Illinois news station. I doubt he'd be keeping track of our whereabouts, either. After all, him and Kathleen have probably moved on with their new life together. If he did see it, I wonder if it would answer the questions he has. Hunter didn't know about that night. Or, he hadn't. If by some luck he watched this television appearance, I believe with all my heart he figured it out. Frankie might have changed the details, but none of that mattered. The two of us sitting together on television is enough to assume a million things from the past. Those are the details that will give away the darkest of secrets.

Then I shake my head, walking hand-in-hand with Frankie to where Crystal is standing and clapping. I know that reality has been distorted for far too long. No one would remember that night the same way, anyway. For Frankie, he fell in love with a pretty girl and her broken smile. For Hunter, it shook up a reality that he couldn't hide forever and his lives would collide. For me? It took 5 years to admit we ended that night on a rainy street in California.